I'm sick to my stomach

amother

Sun, Dec 19 2010, 10:59 pm

um nice try about the car but it wasnt at my house when she left. The car is always locked she would never have access to keys.

Chocoholic

Sun, Dec 19 2010, 11:03 pm

amother wrote:

um nice try about the car but it wasnt at my house when she left. The car is always locked she would never have access to keys.

How are your sure that one of your kids didn't hide it, tossed it out, took it outside etc..

I have siblings that threw out so much stuff without my mom realizing it... until one day she opened up the trashcan in great shock. LOL

amother

Sun, Dec 19 2010, 11:10 pm

Bc I know my kids and Im with them in the living room all the time. The are too young to go outside, I dont think they even know where the garbage is and they are just not that type. They only care about their toys, they don't touch anything unless it's nosh or their toys, they have no intrest. btw I checked the garbage outside and the recycling it's not there. I dont have too many places to stash things and I've checked every stashable place five times already.

BennysMommy

Sun, Dec 19 2010, 11:23 pm

still think u should check the car. have you done that yet? she might have found a way to get it into your car and "return" it to you. if she keeps saying check the car, why don't you check the car? even if u think she doesn't have access to the keys...

Chocoholic

Sun, Dec 19 2010, 11:47 pm

If you are so sure - call her and tell her you lost a green bag with a new skirt in it and you can't seem to find it nowhere so you're asking if she saw it or accidentally took it... instead of filling up pages and pages here..

What

Mrs. XYZ

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 3:44 am

Cant people read?
The OP mentioned a couple of times that she DID tell/ask her about the bag.

amother

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 7:58 am

Thank You Mrs. XYZ!

Mimisinger

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 8:07 am

Have you asked your dh yet? You mentioned that he just didn't move it because he doesn't move things.

I think we've all had a story of missing things and blaming the cleaning lady. I was missing CHECKS! I was about to blame her and then I found the 2 missing ones folded up inside the check holder. 2 yo ds had taken them out (from a zipped bag on a high shelf) tore them off and tucked them inside the holder. Unheard of. B"H I didn't blame her.

My great grandmother was a cleaning lady during the war after escaping from Europe(meanwhile, she was a millionaire with her own live in help while IN Europe). Someone accused her of stealing jewelry. Even after the lady found it and apologized a hundred times, my ggm wouldn't go back because the lady didn't trust her. It's horrible to be accused of something you didn't do.

ESPECIALLY when imo you haven't done enough detective work. Like asking dh! Or searching everywhere.

baba

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 8:08 am

I know you said you asked her already, but I still think you should ask her again, IN PERSON.
It's important you see how she reacts, especially her non verbal body language.
But I still wouldnt be so sure of the kids. You were in the shower, right? Where were they? I know you say they're not the type, but there's a first time for everything.

amother

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 8:27 am

I will ask her in person if she shows up again. She might try to avoid me. My kids were visiting their Bubby at the time. They were not home. She was the only one in the house. I am not going to back and forth on this one anymore. I believe in time the truth will come out. Either it will miraculously show up in my house or I'll actually see her wearing my clothes. Thanxs for all your replies. I took everyones advice to heart and have given tedakah.

amother

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 9:04 am

amother wrote:

yes her hat. In the bag with my skirt was a hat and a new pair of earmuffs. For the last two weeks she's been wearing a gray hat. All of the sudden she's wearing a beret just like the one I left in my bag. This is not a litlle ring (BTW I missing my wedding band too-but thats another story) this bag I bought Friday left it on the bottom of my steps. She was watching tv. I went to take a shower and she let herself out. Probably about ten times in the last month she is telling me how much she wants a pencil denim skirt and mine disappears. There are just so many places it could have gone and I checked repeartedly. Im sorry I m doing the best I can. If it turns up in the house I will ask jer Mechilla but I cant be naive either.

totally off topic, but I have been searching for a denim pencil skirt for ages,,,,,where did u find it??

amother

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 3:54 pm

amother wrote:

If she is poor and needs it,it may have been too much temptation. Did you check the nearest closet ?

I go cleaning on autopilot and have been known to toss stuff around without thinking.

She may try to avoid you not because she is guilty but because she figured out you think it's her!

maybe Just apologize in advance and stop the stupid hints and communicate clearly ,if she says she did not take it then consider It lost for good and let go, is only stuff .

Or try to phone her mum for info ? If she has no mum,no family and no money .....I would forgive and learn a lesson here. next time ,you are given a hint of a poor persons needs maybe buy the hinted item for her .

or better hide the coveted item you knew she needed. I would feel bad leaving around something I'm aware someone else desperately wants...kinda like eating a candy next to a diabetic.

I read you gave her money but money to the poor is money that could have been used for necesities like shampoo ,toiletries ,school stuff or even food .

Some kids steal for thrill and some out of necessity to feel cool and fit in with their crowd .

I was once blamed for the loss of $100 out of my uncle's wallet, even a neighbor cop was called in to interview me.
My aunt warned everyone who crossed her path to beware of the"thief girl".

I knew then and then that I could never be confortable around them again , and I never babysat for them ever again, BTW nobody hired me to babysit again thanks to the LH.

The pain of being misjudged was terrible and the humilliation of questioning glances from people was undescribebable , I suffered greatly due to my tarnished image and even my closest relatives became careful with their purse/wallet around me it hurt deeply and I became lonely and very depressed.
I could not shop or eat a candybar in public fearing it could be used as proof of my guilt .

Fast forward in time...

6 years later I got a weird call out of the blue , I was married and all grown up, it was this same aunt asking mechillah ,her DH confesed to her that he went to a strip bar spent the funds and blamed me for the loss in his wallet....he was a piece of work into drugs ,booze and women of ill repute ,part of rehab was confession.

she explained she wanted to belive her Dh at the time and believed his story of me ripping him off since "teens steal you know"... only after he gave her clamydia they finally divorced ,she cannot have any more kids . She sobbed the phone ,I was shocked and just wanted it to be over.I numbly forgave as much as I could .

Thanks to her I was treated with such desdain I contemplated ending my life often but was too scared to follow suit ....I felt sorry for her but also like it was too little way too late, and it hurt me again to remember the complete loss of family trust thanks to people who were too quick to add 2+2 and to blame the person most fit to commit the crime. The end.

Honestly, just in case you are wrong , I urge you to go get another skirt if necessary and make sure you value her dignity more than any shmatta!!! no proof ,no guilt ,never leave your stuff around wherever it can come to harm again.

or you may be the pathetic one having to ask serious mechila to a innocent person in the future .

I think the skirt is around your home ,and I doubt the girl is that stupid to be the only one there and brazenly steal it .

AMOTHER CAUSE THIS STILL FEELS EMBARRASING AND PAINFUL:oops:

observer

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 9:35 pm

amother, your story sounds horrible. I'm so sorry you had to go through that...

sequoia

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 9:40 pm

oh my gosh. I'm so sorry this happened amother. but it shows that justice will triumph in the end. you are a tzadekes to forgive.

ysydmom

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 9:52 pm

One thought comes to my mind: in front of a blind person don't put a stumbling block:

She is despearate for a similar skirt to the one you purchased, she doesn't have $, you left the bag out in the open, she took it.

Of course she did she is a teenager and you tempted her. Her Yetzer hara won over, what can you do? you can say B"H she will learn and grow and be a better person, she probably feels bad but at that moment she felt she had no other choice.

You are older and know better and can forgive much easier than she can just walk up and say I'm sorry. She is also probably embarresed and will be even more embarresed if you ask her about it.

What about the story of the Rav who ate the whole cholunt bec. it had kerosnee in it and didn't want to embaress the maid?

There are so many stories like this - forget about the skirt and the hat, I'm sure you have others, show her the proper derech and let her learn by example.

Maybe take her out and do a chessed with her, teach her with tlc and she will learn from her mistake and be an assett to klal yisroel. If you start doubting her she will doubt herself and go from bad to worse and be lost to klal yisroel.

Be strong in this and you will reap the reward in the world to come.

toastedbagel

Mon, Dec 20 2010, 10:30 pm

Just want to say don't lose hope you may yet find it - there are soo many stories... this one for example: http://www.chabad.org/library/.....y.htm

Or I was wondering if my cleaning lady had stolen my gold necklace - I had put it somewhere specific to take to repair. Turns out she had simply put it in a drawer.

Or my ipod was missing for months. My husband had borrowed it as a lag Baomer event he was running needed music in two locations, at two separate sound systems. At the end of the event my husband couldn't find it, and said it must be in his box of wires and cables still at the shul. he went through the whole shul multiple times. Combed his car, my car, the house, anywhere he could think of. I was really annoyed and nagging him, as I had not wanted to lend it to begin with for fear something would happen. Our theories were either it had gotten thrown in the trash, or the caretaker had taken it (we asked him if he had seen it, and he said no.) Lo and behold, nearly 6 months later, my husband is packing for a trip and discovers it in an inside zipper pocket of his tallis bag, where he put it for "safekeeping" the day of the event.

I know your bag is bigger than an ipod, and I know you had noone else in the house that you know of, but strange things happen, and you just never ever know.

I think inviting her over to help look is not a bad idea, but if she says no or says yes but you don't find it, I think you will be happier in the long run if you decide that you are not going to suspect her. If she took it, she is wrong, but you may never find out, and there is no mitzvah to suspect her. If she didn't take it, it is an aveirah to suspect her wrongly. Take your pick.

Sorry it is missing and hope you find it soon - I know it can be frustrating!

And one last thought - you mention how you have been so hospitable, a second home to this girl, and you feel hurt that she would (whether she did or didn't we won't debate) do this to you after all you have done for her (at least that's what I get the impression you are saying) - the bottom line is this: If she is in a position where she would take something from someone who has been so good to her, how much more so does she need love and support, as she has something that must be deeply hurt and damaged inside IF she is indeed doing that. The value of her emotional health, her stability as a person, etc, are worth more than the skirt, so I wish you the strength to find within yourself the ability to continue to be there for her in the future, just without leaving things around when she is there.

Happy 2B

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 1:42 am

I'm not going to tell you what to think feel or do...

but I will say.... that I'm missing my glasses for about 5 months... They were brand new. I got them for my chasuna and spent money I shouldn't have on them... I live alone with my husband and obviously he didn't steal them so they basically just disappeared.. I have noone to blame or be dun lkav zechus or not.. point being.. Sometimes we can't explain a disappearance. We just can't... it could be your skirt and my glasses are having a party together laughing at both of us!!! If I do come across my glasses I will ask them if they saw your skirt!!

Seriously though, I really do hope you find the bag... Hatzlocha Rabbah!!

Happy 2B

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 1:45 am

imasinger

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 6:52 am

Second amother, what a sad, frightening story. Thank you for sharing it. I imagine that part of the reason it still feels so bad is that uncle owed you such a phone call, too. I hope both of them spread the true story around your family and that those who listened to LH also asked for mechila.

amother

Tue, Dec 21 2010, 8:51 am

imasinger wrote:

no, they did not clear my name ever,the guy never even asked me mechila for some reason ,(maybe he remembers my tear stained face begging him to have rachmanus on me and feels too ashamed, I have no close family ties partly due to the scandal).

I was "at risk" (poor and neclected) and an ideal target ,I just kept telling myself that Dovid hamelech was subjected to the same abuse and he was a Tzaddik so it could happen to anyone. I switched to public school for a fresh start and B'H did fine in life.

when I asked her to tell those she had poisoned the well with she said "she was too embarrased" and that they probably did not remember anything since it had been years ! the chutzpah! Rolling Eyes

I just let her ramble and was happy when the crazy phone call was over.

it was a classic "sorry but.." apology.

hope the OP reads the responses we have given and that regarless of the guilt of the girl she gets a little glimpse into the life of a child from a dysfunctional home . And either becomes more sensitive about the needs of the poor or gets sitters from normal homes ,who have no need to steal .