Eishes Chayil - Updated

Atali

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 4:23 pm

This is a spin-off of the SAHM thread. Come up with your most creative modern-day versions of Eishes Chayil.

I'll start:

The Modern Eishes Chayil:

A Woman of Valor, who can find? She is more precious than the best silver menorah.
Her husband places his trust in her and profits only thereby.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.

She seeks out wholesale linens to sell on e-bay and gets them shipped from far away lands.
She is like a truck driver, bringing home food purchased in bulk from Costco.

She gets up while it is still night to leave for her day job, where she manages a fair share of staff.
She considers an investment property and purchases it, and makes a nice commission from the fruit of her labors.
She invests in properties with intelligence and makes her company powerful.
She senses that her trade is profitable; but the long hours do not allow her light to go out until late at night.

She stretches out her hands to the computer and her palms hold her Iphone.
She opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She has no fear of the snow for her household, for all her household is dressed in fine clothing.

She buys everything on sale; her clothing is ordered online.
Her husband is known at the kollel, where he learns with new ba'alei teshuva.
She manages to sell the linens for a profit, so she can supply the school with tuition.

She is robed in strength and dignity, and she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth with wisdom and a lesson of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks after the conduct of her household and never tastes the bread of laziness.

Her children rise up and make her happy; her husband praises her:
"Many women have excelled, but you excell them all!"
Grace is elusive and beauty is vain, but a woman who earns enough to pay full tuition -- she shall be praised.
Give her credit for the fruit of her labors, and let her achievements earn her an award at the next yeshiva dinner.

Atali

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 4:24 pm

Oh, and this was based on the aish.com translation:

Quote:

A Woman of Valor, who can find? She is more precious than corals.
Her husband places his trust in her and profits only thereby.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She seeks out wool and flax and cheerfully does the work of her hands.
She is like the trading ships, bringing food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night to provide food for her household, and a fair share for her staff.
She considers a field and purchases it, and plants a vineyard with the fruit of her labors.
She invests herself with strength and makes her arms powerful.
She senses that her trade is profitable; her light does not go out at night.
She stretches out her hands to the distaff and her palms hold the spindle.
She opens her hands to the poor and reaches out her hands to the needy.
She has no fear of the snow for her household, for all her household is dressed in fine clothing.
She makes her own bedspreads; her clothing is of fine linen and luxurious cloth.
Her husband is known at the gates, where he sits with the elders of the land.
She makes and sells linens; she supplies the merchants with sashes.
She is robed in strength and dignity, and she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth with wisdom and a lesson of kindness is on her tongue.
She looks after the conduct of her household and never tastes the bread of laziness.
Her children rise up and make her happy; her husband praises her:
"Many women have excelled, but you excell them all!"
Grace is elusive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears God -- she shall be praised.
Give her credit for the fruit of her labors, and let her achievements praise her at the gates.

Raisin

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 6:57 pm

A Woman of Valor, who can find? She is more precious than an ipad2 (but only just).
Her husband places his trust in her and profits only thereby.
She brings him good, not harm, all the days of her life.
She seeks out Polyester and nylon, to save on the ironing and wallet.
She is an expert online shopper, summoning the supermarket via internet to bring food from afar.
She gets up while it is still night to pack school lunches and even makes coffee for the cleaning lady.
She considers a house and purchases it, and negotiates the mortgage with the bank.
She exercises at the gym daily and makes her arms powerful.
She senses that her business is profitable; her blackberry is never off.
She stretches out her hands to the washing machine and her palms load the dishwasher.
She opens her hands to the poor and writes cheques for needy yeshivos.
She has no fear of the snow for her household, for her household is clad in down coats and matching gloves.
She sews her kids purim costumes; her clothing is of good quality but not too expensive.
Her husband is known in the offices, shuls, and mikvos, and he is one of the movers and shakers.
She has a wholesale business; she even declares the taxes.
She is robed in strength and dignity, and she smiles at the future.
She opens her mouth with wisdom and a shuir about kindness is loaded on her ipod.
She looks after the conduct of her household and never tastes the bread of laziness, in fact no carbohydrates ever except on Shabbos.
Her children rise up and make her happy; her husband praises her:
"Many women have excelled, but you excell them all!"
Grace is elusive and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears God -- she shall be praised.
Give her credit for the fruit of her labors, and let her achievements praise her at the gates.

Atali

Wed, Mar 09 2011, 7:17 pm

Raisin wrote:

Very good!

bigsis144

Wed, Mar 16 2011, 1:48 pm

These are great!

I can't come up with anything now, but this made me think of the LOLSpeak translation of Eishes Chayil:

Quote:

10 Teh gud wife iz bettr dan cheezburgrz! Srsly!

11 her huzban trus her, an he haz the monies

12 shez gud an don hert him.

13 gud wief iz maikin teh blankits for huzban to ly on wen he tyrd

14 she olwaiz maikin teh dinur on tiem

15 she werk vewee hard evun in nite tiemz wen evrywan els b sweeps.

16 her tinks bout feeld, n sez, I wantz it, and her baiz it. Den her maekz graepz grow in teh feeld. srsly.

17 her is srsly pwnzer, n herz got lotza strengthz, more then u.

18 Her maekz gud stuffz an lotsa muneez, and her can stayz up all nites!.

19 her uzez dis staff, or mebe dat won, n she holdz it n her pawz.

20 she giv her spayr cheezburgerz an cookiez to demz dat iz not having ne!!

21 wen it snoez she be liek totalli kOOl cauz she alredi makeded teh scarfz an hatz for her huzban an bebeh kittehz

22 she also makeded lots blankeez for dem to sweeps on

23 an teh peepelz dey all lieks her husban an dey lets him makeded up sum of teh rOOlz

24 she maiks fings to sell so she gets lotsa moar muneez

25 she iz strong kitteh an happi kitteh

26 she haz teh wizdumz an she shayrz it wif uver kittehz hoo iz looking fur it

27 she taik cayr of her hawse an bebeh kittehz an she nevur b lazee evur - srsly!!!

28 shez huzban an bebeh kittehz dey iz luving her lots

29 lots of wimins iz gud but she is teh bestest - srsly!!!

30 teh wiminz hoo be all charmin - dey be liarz, teh wimin hoo iz pritti, dey gets uglee wen dey iz ohld but wiminz hoo is skaird of teh ceiling cat is teh bestest!!! SRSLY I tellz yu