how many of you feel obligated to spend time with family...

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Forum -> Yom Tov / Holidays -> Pesach

How many of you feel obligated to spend time with family...

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mummiedearest

Sun, Apr 10 2011, 11:38 pm

though you don't want to?

I've noticed a couple of threads about this. why is pesach a time when we are suddenly put ourselves in uncomfortable situations?

I make my own seder, and I have family members come. this year I'm having 13 adults and 4 kids (iy'h) and I'm totally looking forward to it. I started making my own seder because I had gotten pesach china as a wedding gift and couldn't stand to see it sit in a closet for five more years. now that I have a couple of young kids, though, I refuse to go anywhere further than down the block for a seder. I love my parents and my in-laws, but the last time we were at either house for a seder my oldest was under a year old. it's too stressful to go to an all-night event with little children. why is this expected, and why do people put up with it if they hate it? isn't simchas hachag important?

I'm not looking to cause any family rifts, I'm genuinely curious. I never had grandparents make seder, and I grew up having seder in our living room. we sat on couches and spilled grape juice all over the coffee table. it was grand. just curious-- the seder is all about v'higadita livincha-- how do you accomplish this at a grandparent's table, especially if there's a hoard of grandkids around? at what point does having a large family seder become a chore as opposed to an educational, fun family activity?

Raisin

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 4:38 am

mummiedearest, how far away do your parents live? A lot of people spend pesach together because they live far away and pesach is vacation so they can go and spend it with bobbie and zaide.

But I think usually people who go to parents for pesach have a few little kids. Once kids get older and more numerous people tend to stay home.

manyhats

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 4:46 am

Coming from the other end of spectrum: the grandparent. I would be delighted to visit you: Dear children and Dear grandchildren.
Bracha

freidasima

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 5:30 am

Well here's the thing. If parents live in their own place and not with their children or in an old age home, then what happens to them? Meaning do they go to their kids? Some do, my parents always came to us, not the other way around, but they live down the block so it's no big deal.

But it's a bit sad if kids live elsewhere and have seders for themselves, their kids and their friends that at some point, the parents who have no kids at home for a long time and their friends are all at their kids or their kids come to them, then you have two old people home alone for a seder. It can be great. But it can also be...sad. Depends on the couple.

For some people, it's an obligation to be with older parents (hey do you ever think of your parents as being "old"? you young kids of 30 and 35?) for others it's an honor. For some it's a burden that they hate, for others it's terrific fun being spoiled by your parents and granchildren being spoiled by Bubbie and Zaidie.

Depends on the dynamics. depends how uptight you are, depends on how uptight they are.
I've decided to chill. With five kids and only the Ribono Shel Olam knows how many grandchildren we will end up having (starting the year with one, iy"h ending it by RH with three!) eventually if I don't chill I will kill.

So chill it is.
That means that when grandchildren are here the purpose is to spoil them and let them have a good time. If they have parents who spoil them then we will give the structure and the framework. Go with the flow which is SOOOO unlike me and all that jazz.

Dh and I said years ago we will never make cheshbonos about which kid came to us or not or went to in laws more as long as we are together.
He is right. As long as I have him I'm never alone and vice versa.
But it's nice to be with family, at least for chag.

As for vehigadeta livincha, it can be done before the seder as well so that the seder is like chapping a review of all you learned. That too can be fun.
We will go with the flow as the grandchildren get older. You just need everyone on the same planet, the same plane and the same mindset to have a great time.

oranges

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 5:43 am

I am also wondering this as I read threads about how they dread pesach with their in laws etc.
just don't go!
make your own. what am I missing?

Tablepoetry

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 5:43 am

Almost everyone I know does a communal seder. I'm in Israel, so almost everyone lives in driving distance of family, so I'm sure that makes a difference. Some go to their parents/inlaws, some host them; some invite a brother or sister and their spouse and kids; but very, very few host the meal just for the nuclear family.

Why? I don't know, it's just considered a good, festive opportunity to get together. I'm sure that for those who don't get along so well with their family, it's stressful. Chaval that they feel obliged to go. I know a few people who got brave this year and decided to get together with friends or a sibling because things are just too stressful at the inlaws.

That said, my kids love love love going to my dh's parents for the seder. It's rather large (20-30 blei ein hara), but saba and savta have a special talent of giving everyone enough attention. My kids would move there if they could. And why is it difficult with young children? They can crash on the couch and fall asleep to the sounds of the hagaddah, same as at home.

Seraph

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 6:11 am

Hear hear.
The first year we were married, we went to my in laws for the seder, and while I don't mind shabbosim there, I really didn't enjoy the seder, nor did my husband, so we agreed that for future years we'd make our own seder.

My mother is remarried to a sfardi guy- I can't eat at her house on Pesach, so going there for the seder was never even a blip on my radar. My father was living in America, so I hosted the seder, and my father and my adult siblings came to my seder, and two years my father in law joined us as well because his wife was in chutz laaretz.

This year, my father made aliya and decided he's hosting the seder, with my adult siblings, and my pre-teen siblings, and I frankly have no interest in going to a seder with the huge group, because I don't want to have to deal with the inevitable bickering and sibling rivalry. I can't host the huge group, and told my father that if he wants my younger siblings to join him for the seder, they can, but we're not coming.

So that's the story.

We're hosting the seder for the fourth time, but this year is the first time we're just us, no guests. I hope it won't be boring, but oh well. I'd rather boring than put myself in a situation where I'm not comfortable (parents or in laws for the seder).
I'm looking at the positive- I will actually be able to sing nirtza and the rest of the haggada songs, because non immediate family members (bil and fil) won't be there.

ora_43

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 6:40 am

I don't think this is such a tough question. Sometimes we do things that we'd rather not do in order to make other people happy. That's not necessarily being a pushover, it's part of being a decent person (and part of having any type of human relationship).

Everyone has to find their own pushover/decent person balance. Sometimes it's time to stand up for what you want, yes, but sometimes it's better to do what makes the most people happy even if you're not one of them.

Codependency

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 6:46 am

I agree. I think everyone needs to do what is good for them. Sometimes being alone can be the best thing for yourself. This year my husband offered to go to my parents (which I was not SO excited about) and then he said and if no... then we will have to go to my mother... now that was a threat! Smile

cinnamon

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 8:11 am

ora_43 wrote:

I don't think this is such a tough question. Sometimes we do things that we'd rather not do in order to make other people happy.

Its all part of being an adult.

saw50st8

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 8:45 am

I love spending Pesach with my family. Am I alone?

Raisin

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 8:46 am

saw50st8 wrote:

I love spending Pesach with my family. Am I alone?

seemingly people who get on with their family are an exception.

I also do. though I don't often get to.

Ruchel

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 8:54 am

It indeed seems the exception that someone enjoys the holidays in family with parents, siblings, etc. Sad

But when they do, it's so beautiful Very Happy

mummiedearest

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 10:23 am

my parents come to one seder at my house. my father doesn't want to give up his own seder yet, so they have one at home. I know my mom was initially disappointed that I didn't want to come for seder, but I hate sleeping away from home, and I hate walking the kids back in the stroller at 3 am. the whole thing is too stressful for me, so I don't do it anymore. so I get to see my family, and I don't have to go crazy. I personally think it's easier to transfer my kids from my couch to their beds upstairs than to transfer them from my parents' couch to the stroller, walk 20 minutes, and transfer them from the stroller to their beds. we tried it a couple of times, they inevitably wake up and need to let out some energy before going back to sleep. not my cup of tea.

I totally understand the need to make family members happy, but I hear so many complaints about family members who seem really toxic. as I said, I didn't grow up with all this drama surrounding seder. do people do this because of family minhag?

mommyhood

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 11:29 am

I love spending time with my family for Pesach but I really don't enjoy going to my in laws. Making my own Pesach would be expensive and very dificult for me with 2 kids under 18 months and I can't make sukkos because I live in an apt with no place to build a sukkah and noone near me with a sukkah to use. I could technically go to my parents for the whole yom tov but my in laws would be very insulted and upset and my husband would feel too guilty so for now I deal and I've slowly found ways to make my time there more bearable so I can at least enjoy myself a little.

OldYoung

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 12:09 pm

Love spending time with family. Dread the road trip, though!

allrgymama

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 1:33 pm

To be honest, I feel bad for anyone who feels 'obligated' to spend time with family (when 'family is your your parents, siblings and their families). I look forward to being 'all together' on Pesach as my married sister lives in Chicago (and only comes in on Pesach) and while my married brother lives in Flatbush, we don't see him very often.

(As it happens, circumstances allowed us to be with my sister the last three years for Succos and my brother will be spending all of Pesach with his wife's family in Chicago, but no really relevant to the point of wanting to spend time with them.)

As far as telling over the story goes, I think that there's a lot to be said for exposing our children to different perspectives, be it those of their grandparents or aunts/uncles. While my family has not joined either set of grandparents for Pesach seder since I was a baby (excepting the Pesach I was in seminary, when my paternal grandmother decided that 'this could be the last year I could have all my single grandchildren around the table at one time' as aunts/uncles who are normally away were staying) I do have an aunt who lives in Cleveland who has come into my grandparents for every one of the 20-some-odd yeas that she has been married. With a daughter having gotten married over the summer, the married couple will also be my grandparents on Yom Tov.

Don't get me wrong -- I think that, as parents, we have to create our own family traditions and children should see their father leading their table. Even just for myself - I married into a family that brucks and my parents don't. While it may just seem like having more food options on Pesach, I do think that my children should see their father carrying on that mesorah.

But I do think that a healthy balance of spending Yom Tov with people from different ages and mind sets is very important and beneficial.

Also, as an aside: I'm really not a big supporter of putting oneself in an uncomfortable position; all of my comments above are based on wanting to spend time with family and extended family.

mummiedearest

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 1:38 pm

OldYoung wrote:

Love spending time with family. Dread the road trip, though!

how long is the trip? we love road trips, but don't have anyone to visit...

Capitalchick

Mon, Apr 11 2011, 2:37 pm

If I lived in the same city as my parents and in laws, it wouldn't be such an issue. We might skip a family seder now and then, but we'd see our family all the time anyway.

But since we rarely see our families, seeing them at Jewish holidays is so important, I think.
DH doesn't really agree, though, unfortunately.

KNITWIT

Wed, Apr 13 2011, 5:54 pm

saw50st8 wrote:

I love spending Pesach with my family. Am I alone?

I love spending time with my family too! so much so that I make chicken soup the way my family prefers it! mwah mwah

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