how many of you feel obligated to spend time with family...

zaq

Wed, May 04 2011, 9:54 am

mummiedearest wrote:

though you don't want to?

I've noticed a couple of threads about this. why is pesach a time when we are suddenly put ourselves in uncomfortable situations?

Because Pesach is traditionally "family time". How are you going to accomplish vehigadeta levincha if you're a grandparent making a seder alone with no kids around? How silly does it feel for the Fier Kashes to be asked by a retiree? *
There are the practical aspects such as the fact that it's one of the few times of the year that most people are off or take off from school and work long enough to be able to travel to family who live at some distance. Plus, depending on where you live, the weather tends to be cooperative, although there are no guarantees. There is the fact that celebrating our transformation from individual slaves to a unified nation almost screams for group observance. There is the fact that, making Pesach being so much work, it practically requires an extended family to pitch in to accomplish it--though, unfortunately, in many cases it's just grandma or mil or dd or dil or sil who's doing the work and everyone else arriving just in time to reap the benefits.
that's not to say that we're obligated to risk our health, sanity or sholom bayis to host or visit toxic relatives or more relatives than we can handle. There are times when a quiet seder with just your immediate family makes the most sense, and no one should be made to feel guilty if once in a while that's what they do. Or even if that's what they always do. B"H families tend to expand to a point at which gathering the entire clan at someone's house is no longer feasible. When such a gathering starts to nullify the simcha of YomTov, if cramming twenty people at a table meant for ten puts everyone in a bad mood, if being at the seder with seven older cousins means your children never get to speak their chochmas about the Haggaddah, or if being at the seder with seven younger cousins means your kids neveer got to say the Fier Kashes, ever, then maybe it's time to change tactics. If money is no object, gathering together at a hotel can be an ideal solution to the tircha and crowding, but money is seldom no object. Parents can choose to host a different child's family each year, or visit a different child's family each year, or give up on the Pesach theme entirely and host or visit the children some other time when the religious observances are less overwhelming.

*ETA: And now that I've looked at some of the other posts, I'm reminded of the fact that having a seder alone can be mucho boring.

zaq

Wed, May 04 2011, 10:08 am

mummiedearest wrote:

the seder is all about v'higadita livincha-- how do you accomplish this at a grandparent's table, especially if there's a hoard of grandkids around?

Lehefech--How do you accomplish this if there aren't any grandkids around? Right, the seder is all about vehigadeta levincha, and so much of it clearly targets children, preferably young ones. So how lame is it if grandparents or other family units with no young children are having a seder by themselves? Davka you want the horde of grandchildren around. Well, maybe not if you have 32 grandchildren under the age of 12, but if they're civilized and you're in good health and not the nervous type who can't stand being around children for more than 5 minutes, you would probably want some.