Bris-Planning and issues-HELP!!

amother

Wed, May 18 2011, 6:03 am

Thanks Marion and Tamiri. I wont have time, like I said, to do the stuff by myself, but hopefully the cost will not be as much. Do you think 150 ppl is too much/not enough? also, if it is a shabbos bris, then I will have to do a full shabbos but I will have to worry about it then..theres only a 1/7 chance of that, right? Wink

If so, I guess Ill be back here asking for advice onwhether I ahve to put up ALL his married siblings and their kids (he has a huge family, kh) etc, etrc..but one complication at a time, right! LOL

Thanks!

BusyBeeMommy

Wed, May 18 2011, 6:20 am

Seriously, you are kind enough to host your DD and her new baby and help her, pay for the entire bris AND you would be expected to run around like a chicken without a head putting up your son-in-law's siblings and their families? Please don't do this to yourself! Your son-in-law is a big boy, he can do that if his siblings want to be part of things. You can just tell your mechutainiste that [as she knows] you are very busy taking care of your kimpetur and arranging the bris and you are not in the position of putting anyone up at this point. Let her know you'll be happy to have his siblings over but they are responsible for their accommodations.

This is all theoretical, you may not have a shabbos bris.

I always got the impression that a shabbos bris is more expensive because even if you host less people, you need to have a minyan at the seudah and you can't get away with serving bagels and cream cheese. Also, most people I know make a kiddush on top of the seudah.

OP, the numbers that you have seem large. I had about 100 people at my DS's bris and it was considered a big bris. I don't know though, maybe you have a lot of family and friends in the area.

Whatever happens, your mechutanim sound quite unreasonable. Good for your you that you don't get your kids involved, but if all doesn't go as smooth as you'd like, don't feel like you have to bend over backwards to please them.

amother

Wed, May 18 2011, 4:45 pm

I didnt realize that 150 ppl was so much, thanks for pointing that out. what is the usual bris amount of ppl? I have a tiny family and its really the other side, plus neighborhood, etc. that I have to cover, plus the shul.
How does it go with inviting? We have a shul email but who must I call and who do I just hope 'hears about it?' I dont want to offend anyone. what is the best way to handle that? Really, I would like to make a small bris but every bris Ive attended has been pretty large..Are my DD and SIL supposed to do that or am I?
Also, What does OP stand for? (Im pretty new here and dont know all the abbreviations...)

BusyBeeMommy

Wed, May 18 2011, 4:51 pm

Marion wrote:

BusyBeeMommy wrote:

I always got the impression that a shabbos bris is more expensive because even if you host less people, you need to have a minyan at the seudah and you can't get away with serving bagels and cream cheese. Also, most people I know make a kiddush on top of the seudah.

We served bagels and cream cheese for the seudah on Shabbat. And there were more than enough men to make a minyan...just in DH's family.

Where I live you cannot get away with serving bagels and cream cheese for a shabbos seudah. You can't do that in Monsey either. You serve standard shabbos fare such as cholent, gefilte fish and kugel. With regards to the minyan, most men in our families are married so if they come then so do their wives and kids. That equals at least 20 people if not more. Also, even if you have more than enough people for a minyan, if you have a large family then members get insulted if you don't invite them for the seudah.

BusyBeeMommy

Wed, May 18 2011, 5:06 pm

amother wrote:

It really depends on what day of the week the bris will be, that's why you can't plan everything until the baby is born. If the bris is on a weekday, you should count less people because many are running to work and won't stay. If you have a Sunday bris (which we did by my DS), people have more time and less work schedule issues so expect more guests, especially those that would commute from out of the area.

I would start with a count of family members from each side and friends that you know will definitely attend. Then add maybe 20 more people to the picture who will be from shul.

The nice part about a bris, is as other people mentioned, you don't invite people because if they don't come it's as if they are declining an invitation to a mitzvah. So you don't have to worry about calling the whole world, it's a more impromptu kind of thing.

Being that you are going to be a new grandma, I just wanted to mention to you that after I gave birth to my son, the last thing I cared about were the bris and shalom zachor. My mom took off from work to "help" me and instead used her days busily shopping and preparing for the SZ and bris. Yes they were both beautiful affairs, but I didn't even attend the SZ and I barely remember the bris as I was so concerned with my baby and I was so exhausted. Remember that the most important thing is paying attention to the new mommy and helping her in any way you can. She can be a mommy to her baby but she needs a mommy to care for HER. I have several friends who shared that sentiment with me as well.

Also, if your machatainista is from the same area as you, enlist her help, even if you are paying for everything. Ask her to pick things up and make phone calls, etc. She may also have a wealth of advice being that it sounds like she's arranged this kind of simcha before. And let us know when you have the good news!

Marion

Wed, May 18 2011, 9:42 pm

BusyBeeMommy wrote:

Marion wrote:

BusyBeeMommy wrote:

We served bagels and cream cheese for the seudah on Shabbat. And there were more than enough men to make a minyan...just in DH's family.

Who wants to eat cholent, kugel, and gefilte fish for a 2nd or 3rd time on Shabbat? (I don't even serve it once.) The seudah was seudah shlishit. I can NOT imagine a 3rd heavy meal in less than 24 hours (it was Cheshvan).

amother

Thu, May 19 2011, 5:08 am

BBM, you are right. this is why exactly that I dont want to invite anyone but the actual machatunim (NO MARRIED KIDS and their kids) to the SZ, although I know that they ALL expect to come, too bad. I already told my DD that this is not a Sheva Brochos and for Shabbos sholom Zachr, its all about her and the baby. I dont care if someone gets offended now because they can come to the bris iyh if they like. I hd to find 16 homes last time and have a full catered shabbos..Icannot tell youhow much more that added to the bill..I did it for sholom...but now I will not do that again. Am I right?

I will ask the machateinista to call and invite all her own kids or my SIL can do it. I want to be busy with my DD and noone else but her and the baby. It will be in the summer so I will not be working, and u r right, I must serve a full kiddush if it is on shabbos, here in Monsey we cannot get away with bagels/cream cheese on shabbos(I wish we could, though..). Even if I decide to do a Sholosh seudos, It has to be a full meal, I.e.,lox, tuna, etc. I cant plan it, as u said, because the baby isnt here yet, but I do know that much. My IL live in Brooklyn and we are here in Monsey so she cant help me at all except for the phone calls.
As Far as people, for the Shabbos SB we had 70 ppl and that was not even all the other sides siblings/kids-15 of those guests were ours. so what do you figure the amount should be, approx?
Did anyone hire a photographer for a weekday bris?

BusyBeeMommy

Thu, May 19 2011, 5:20 pm

Marion, I didn't realize you did the seudah for shalosh seudas. That's really brilliant! But I don't think my DH would agree to it, he would want to have the seudah then and there. Also, most people would make a kiddush regardless and that alone costs as much or more than a weekday bris seudah.

OP, I think it's absolutely RIDICULOUS to have to put up so many people for a SZ! Let them make their own SZ in Brooklyn! I remember hoping that I would have my DS erev shabbos so we could have a simple SZ in our hospital room, just me and DH, and let everyone do whatever the heck they wanted to celebrate. May be that will happen with you. Even if she gives birth Thursday it would be the case. Also, if you're limited on finances, absolutely do not throw away your $ on a professional photographer. It's totally not necessary, just make someone a designated photographer (like an overeager 12 year old). The only people I know who have a professional photographer are the ritzy Syrian people who also make a hot bris that would put your standard bar mitzvah to shame.

As far as number go, it sounds like 100 would be sufficient, even with so many family members. Not everyone will be able to attend because a bris is something that you only know about the week before and things come up in people's life. Of course you'll have to wait and see when the baby is born.

amother

Fri, May 20 2011, 1:24 pm

BBM, I agree 100%. SZ here where I live is supposed to be simple anyway. even if in the other side they make a big deal, I dont have to, and I wont. I will not hire a photog, either, as per the advice you gave, its an additional expense and I need the $$ to help my couple, anyway...My DH will also want a hot kiddush, etc, b/c that is what ppl do here. I hope it will not be a SHabbos bris b/c I cant really handle Shev Brochos #2, but we shall see..thanks for your gr8 advice, everyone! Smile