Mikvah - a poem | Imamother

amother

Thu, Sep 08 2011, 10:12 am

(This was also posted on Jewishmom.com)

An unseen cycle deep within
Reaches its apex, begins to wane
With the first drop of blood a wisp of death
And the glass wall comes down between me and my husband

An awkward separation here
Disjointed passing babies back and forth
Accidentally brushing past, a startled jerk
Conversation sometimes feels like two strangers

All along, it's flowing away
The cocoon that might have held a new brother
It's not necessary to mourn for what never was.
And bubbles of hope, this may be a new beginning.

A sea of white all around
Twice a day, but always on my mind
And one tiny dab of color discordant fear
And I am left hanging hanging hanging
Floating in space without a rope

As the days thud on monotonously
Twice a day, is it all a waste?
Still waiting, waiting wondering wishing

Finally a decisive psak
And I am wooshed back down to earth
Counting, counting, is it almost over?
Relief that now I know where I am

Until one final check and I sit and soak
An almost surreal time, forced relaxation
Intense focus over parts of me
That usually suffice with a swipe in the shower

Nervousness, can something still pull me away?
Is the mikvah lady getting impatient with me?
Will I miss a scab that will send me back here?
Can I get all the hairs off, and what of the flaking skin?
Forced calm. It's okay, you're doing just fine.
Just follow the chart and He'll do the rest

Almost in tears, enveloped in the water
A transparent shield at my most vulnerable

Awkward attempts to submerge properly
Kavana! I demand and am amused at myself
Think holiness! I attempt desperately
But my overwhelming thought is relief, almost done!

As I emerge waterlogged wiping water from my eyes
Almost shaking as I get dressed clean and fresh
The night air a shock to damp hair beneath the shaitel
My husband's face waits hopefully
As I say, at last,
I am pure.