Just realized I'm poor.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2012, 8:17 pm

We have been struggling for as long as we are married, somtimes worse that others. Right now things have hit an all time BAD. My rent is behind 3 months, all my bills late, schools calling ect. Even though things have been bad before I always told myself not to worry and we are really ok. Last night I came to the realization that we are NOT ok. We are officially poor! We are negative in our bank account and everything keeps piling up. I have 2 side jobs as well as taking care of the house and kids. My husband works very long hours and we still cannot make it. I realize that Hashem just does not want it for us right now but my emunah is low and I'm not finding the strength to cope. I look around and I have officially convinced myself that there is NOONE else in my situation. MMy husband tries to tell me that there are so many people suffering which doesn't make me feel any better because I don't wish what I am going through on my worst enemy but in the same vein I am really feeling alone right now. I have cried for the last 24 hours and my eyes are swollen from tears. WHat else does Hashem want from us?? I am so lost and confused.

interestedbrooklyn

Sun, Feb 05 2012, 8:33 pm

I'm so sorry you are so stressed. That is a very difficult situation. Maybe HaShem wants people around you to do something - Maybe he wants them to do chesed and help you out. Does anyone in your community know how you are struggling? Can you get a loan from a Gemach just to breath for a bit? Hatzlocha Raba and know that Hashem is with you.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2012, 8:34 pm

I am probably worse off than u are & I am sad to say that its no fun to be winning. My dh has not had a steady job now for close to a year. I was laid off 6 months ago. I feel exactly like u do regarding what Hashem doesn't want for us. I feel very sad & depressed most days. For how long can we tell ourselves that things will get better when they obviously are not? Who the heck am I kidding? I have a special needs child & cannot afford therapies for him like I used to.
I'm exhausted. Thank u for posting OP, I feel that I am not totally alone anymore.

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2012, 8:40 pm

amother wrote:

OP here-I'm sorry for your situation, I hope there is a light at the end of the tunnel for booth of us really soon. I feel like I aged 10 years in the last 10 months and I'm not that old!! I love my husband and he's really a great, sweet, genuine person but this stress is taking a toll on every aspect of my life. I'm such a happy bubbly person and right now I can't find a reason to smile :-(

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2012, 9:29 pm

My situation has taken a toll on our marriage & our relationship for sure. Also, in how I view him & I feel so guilty for feeling as I do ie resentment, anger towards him. I don't want to hear from anyone about how Hashem rules everyones parnassah even if its true. I was counting in my head the other night how many jobs my dh has had in our marriage - 26 yrs- I counted 9! He can't seem to stick to anything & be successful at it. Just venting, feel there are no answers I don't think right now

amother

Sun, Feb 05 2012, 10:12 pm

amother wrote:

Wonder how some people can go through a situation like this and believe it will turn around all the way through. I wish I had it in me. It would make life so much more tolerable.

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 5:34 am

How do u know there is a light at the end of the tunnel? I'm the second poster of this thread, not the OP. I have been saying for so long, just b/c pple say things like "it can only get better" or "don't worry there's always ups & downs" or things like that I have given up thinking that way. I know I sound very doom & gloom but I have every reason to. I didn't want to hyjack the OPs thread so I didn't say so much more that I could have about my tremendous stress that I have had to endure the past 7 months or so IN ADDITION to dhs no parnassah! The parnassah is the past couple of years

chizuk

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 6:00 am

what I am about to write is not a remedy or a brushing off of the situation. we have been in your boat an dmy husband told me something that made it a bit easier to accept. the situation doesnt get easier but your attitude towards the situation can.
this is what he said, a poor person is thought of as a dead person.
we dont know hashems cheshbonos.
chas veshalom maybe there was to be death of a loved one
and hashem felt it was so important for us to be here to do mitzvos cuz we are doing a great job and he loves us, but he couldnt recend the decree.
so instead he reached for his own chazal and made us poor.

another thing that helped a bit was not thinking of ourselves as takers but still as givers, we were giving others an opportunity to help.
this nisayon is really big and hard. while we can eat kasha all day, readjusting our kids routine is very challenging. just make sure that what you do have is clean and neat so you stil feel like a mentch somewhat.
we should all daven for each other to have a yeshua.
thinking of all of you.

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 10:32 am

OP here- thanks for the kind words and I know what I am about to say is not gonna sounds too great but do I have to be poor or have a lost loved one? Is it always one or the other??? I know we are living in golus and everyone has their nisayon but I've had a lot of them. I lost a parent at 14 and since that day I have been on my own bh with emotional support from my family but monetary support was never easy. I worked HARD for every single thing I ever had. Can't I just feel supported for once? can't I feel taken care of, without guilt that I'm taking away from my olam haba and I'm not fulfilling my purpose.
As if it couldn't get any worse my husband came home last night almost crying. From the look on his face I knew it wasn't good. He lost $200 yesterday, somehow fell from his pocket. I didn't know to laugh or cry. I'm starting to just feel nothing.
I know I deserve nothing and whatever Hashem has given me is true kindness and BH he gives me a lot, I'm just feeling sad- Thanks for listening.

TranquilityAndPeace

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 11:55 am

Sending you hugs and prayers, OP! Lots of 'em!

I don't think it has to be "either poverty or death" type of mindset, but the bottom line is that we just don't know why things happen. And I'm not in a rush to find out, because I would prefer to live out my 120 years than to go Upstairs now and get answers to all my questions.

Think of it as a bitter antibiotic - you hate swallowing it, but you know it's ultimately for the best, even though right now you want nothing more than to be rid of the vile bottle of medicine!

Would you write the city in which you live? I know someone in Monsey in charge of Tomchei Shabbos who helps people in many, many ways.

Delores

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 12:14 pm

You have two side jobs AND your husband works long hours. I don't know how many kids you have or what standards you're used to but is it possible that you can plan your finances differently? Can you get someone you trust to help you plan better? Can someone look at your total income and expenses and decide what you need to change. Maybe you need to make some major changes (even move). I'm reading a lot of posts that are comforting you and telling you to accept the situation but if you're both diligent and hard working as your post suggests then I don't think you should just "accept" without putting up a fight.

21young

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 1:00 pm

My heart goes out to you. If you want to believe there's a light at the end of the tunnel, I've seen it.
I work from home, and clients come and go. We were going through an extremely tight few months and I had very little steady work. My baby was diagnosed one day with a serious permanent disability, and I just broke down. My DH was there for me, and we said tehillim together, and he promised me it would be ok. The next morning I got calls from 3 clients I had been chasing for months.
Since then we've had ups and downs, my baby's diagnosis is not going away, and not all of the clients stuck, but it showed me that when things hit rock bottom there's nowhere to go but up.
You should see a yeshua very soon!

chizuk

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 1:00 pm

I assume op lives in israel where it is common for everyone to have 30 jobs and no more hours in the day and still not make it even renting the smallest apt for their family. its hard but so worth the mitzvah. I wouldnt move back for anything bli neder. alot of us ar ein this situation and it has nothing t do with effort. it is our job to do hishtadlus.

saralem

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 1:28 pm

First, make sure you ahve someone neutral to vent to--this is so important. What you are going through is soooo hard, and such a test on your marriage and sanity. But--please know, that Hashem gives you the strength to go on, and to remain hopeful. Hopeful that you'll win the lottery? Probably not, but hopeful that you will weather this storm, AND come out stronger on the other side. This is , after all, a test.
I'm married many years, have (almost) always been the breadwinner, and spent way too many years angry, resentful, stressed out AND poor! But, in my mind, I was never poor. I always held my head high, and knew that I was doing the best with the tools I've got. Did that put cash in my pocket? NO! but, I realized slowly over the years, that Hashem is always watching over me, and that we will not starve. Make a deal with the school, call the utilities, contact your landlord, and trust in Hashem. My heart goes out to you.

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 2:05 pm

OP here- I live in BK, I know its an expensive place to live but right now this is where our jobs are and I don't see my husbands job succeeding anywhere else (can't really explain)
In terms of living more simply, we are as simplified as we can get, But the kids still have to go to school and there are still real expenses.
All your hopes and wishes and hugs really help. I thank you for that. I just need a little "me" time, maybe a spiritual connection. My husband who really is a saint keeps telling me to pray, talk to Hashem... I wouldn't admit this in a verbal setting but I'm mad at GD! He keeps challenging me (which I know is for my ultimate benefit) and I think I pass. I had a rough childhood and BH became a normal contributing person to society. The parent I do have has been sick since I am a kid. Life is not easy! Why do I have to deal with this??? I almost feel a sense of entitlement like you took my parent you did xyz to me don't do this!! I know I sound like the most horrible person in the world but these are my true inner thoughts and really the only place I can unleash them.

saralem

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 2:21 pm

You are so entitled to those feelings--I've had all of those same feelings over the years. I wish I could give you a big hug. It really will get better. The hardest thing is to take the plunge and make the calls to arrange deferrments or payment arrangements. Ask for help--don't be too proud. There are amazing yidden in this world who will help you in ways you can not imagine--all from Hashem. Believe me--it will happen.

NaturalMom

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 2:34 pm

amother wrote:

OP, I am so sorry you are suffering. You do not sound like a horrible person. I think those thoughts are perfectly normal for a person in a tough situation.

Have you tried talking to the yeshiva and getting a tuition break? How old are your children? Perhaps you can homeschool until money is more readily available.

Have you reached out to every gemach and tzedaka organization? There are tons in the NYC area. They can help with basics, like food and clothes, to more complex things like job training.

amother

Mon, Feb 06 2012, 4:15 pm

OP here- What kind of help is available to me? right now we have medicaid and foodstamps which helps tremendously. I have 2 school aged children and the others r still at home. I have gotten a discount on tuition but it's still a pretty penny. Just wondering what everyone is talking about when they say to ask for help. Who do I ask? I don't want to take loans, owing money would only make the situation that much more stressful.