Mentally Ill Friend Inviting Herself To DD's Simcha

amother

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 10:44 am

I am making a Bas Mitzva for my DD soon. It is a relatively small affair, just DD's friends/classmates, teachers and family members. There are a few people on the guest list that had to be invited for reasons of "simcha reciprocity," but other than that, it's her deal. My personal friends are NOT being invited, unless they have a direct positive relationship with DD. Here's the problem: I have a mentally ill friend who is trying to invite herself. She keeps calling; "When is the Bas Mitzva? Let me know!" she has also gone up to DD in shul and asked her. DD feels VERY STRONGLY that she does not want her there. I feel like if I don't invite the friend, I will have to explain the circumstances and it will hurt her feelings. I do not want to hurt her, and I also don't think it would be very "Jewish" (chessedik) of me to tell her no. OTOH, there's nothing wrong with setting healthy boundaries, it's something I have issues with (confrontation/setting boundaries) and this could be a healthy personal growth exercise for me (to firmly/gently refuse her). Please consider DD's feelings in your answers, and also consider the fact that this can be a chinuch opportunity (in either direction!). I feel like this is a lose/lose situation either way. Crying

Please offer advice/support, I really need it.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 10:51 am

This is likely not good for your DD socially. It's not fair to impose on your DD something she and her friends are not ready for, maturity-wise. Coping with a mentally ill person is Chesed - yes - but it's not a chesed they are ready for - it's an adult-level chessed. I don't think (IMVHO) that it's chinuch to expect of your DD something that she's clearly not up to yet.

Now hopefully B"EH by the time she gets married, she will be more emotionally mature (and her friends will be as well!) and able to be nice and make a mentally ill person feel happy at her wedding. But 12 is still young.

Just don't tell this person when the Bat Mitzvah is, and invite her maybe for a Shabbos meal, or something, some other time. Maybe do something special then for your DD's Bas Mitzvah, to make her feel included - a special dessert, etc...

chani8

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 11:00 am

I hate pushing people away, but once you do it, you'll feel much better. I'd just explain that this is for DD and she doesn't want your friends there. Your only other option is to insist to your DD that this woman gets to come. What do you want to do, suffer a little discomfort now when you say no, or put up with the stress of having her there and DD feeling betrayed. And I would say these things about any unwanted guests not because she is mentally ill. I just don't see how the chessed of having a mentally ill guest gets to override your DD's feelings. What kind of chinuch is that?

Yocheved84

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 11:04 am

Say that it's JUST for kids--no adults. Don't try lying about the date. For all you know, she could call the shul/school/ask around/whatever. Just say that it's just for her friends and will be a kid-based affair. You'd love to see her for coffee once the craziness of planning this SMALL get-together calms down, however. "It's too bad I didn't think to make this a larger affair or one that was more adult-oriented as well. But yes, let's do lunch soon! Anyways, it was so sweet of you to ask. Take care and talk to you soon!" If she asks about the venue, say you're still working everything out. Sound stressed, in a hurry, etc.

Chayalle

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 11:16 am

Yocheved84 wrote:

I wouldn't say to lie about the date, but would try to ensure that she doesn't find out until after. My experience with mentally ill people (my DH's soft heart attracts them) is that they won't/can't respect boundaries, so telling them that it's just for kids could be meaningless if they are determined to show up.

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 11:22 am

Oh, how difficult.

I wouldn't lie at all - it's wrong, and it will come back to you one way or another.

Unfortuntately, it sounds as though this person doesn't pick up on subtle social cues, so you will have to be very direct. "We need to limit our guest list. The party isn't for everyone we know. It is just for close family and dd's friends. We are very sorry that you and a lot of other people we care about won't be there. I wasn't sure how to tell you this, and I'm sorry if it hurts your feelings." Repeat as needed.

Good luck!

Yocheved84

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 11:23 am

Chayalle wrote:

Yocheved84 wrote:

I see your point. OP--what kind of mental illness are we talking about? The diagnosis/behavior will give us a hint of the reaction. If she is in a manic phase right now, she might not respect the boundary and show up. If she has issues with anger management, you may need to ask a friend to be on the lookout to ensure she doesn't come inside b/c she's volatile and you don't want a fight. If she's overly sensitive with BPD issues, then you'll have to be gentle. If she has severe cognitive issues on top of mental health diagnoses, it may take a few explanations and being increasingly firm.

I think we need to know more to help you in how to craft your response....

I apologize for my generalizations. I know lovely people with all of the above issues who function just fine. Please don't take anything I'm saying as an insult. :::trying to prevent a bash:::

amother

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 11:56 am

OP here. I really appreciate all your responses. It seems that you are all in favor of NOT inviting her, and it also seems that none of you think it unkind. I think I will be loving and honest, as a couple of you recommended. I also like the idea of maybe inviting her over for a shabbos meal instead, to "soften the blow." Regarding what kind of mental illness she has, I would consider it unspecified. She's "not all there," "totally off," socially awkward, not completely able to take care of herself, etc etc. Crying

Fox

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 2:33 pm

I guess I'm going to be the dissenting voice here! While I completely understand the peer pressure that exists during the bas mitzvah circuit, part of becoming an adult is learning that we can't always create a picture-perfect tableau. Mentally ill friends . . . developmentally disabled neighbors . . . fat grandmothers . . . non-observant relatives . . . the list of possible embarrassments for pre-teen girls is endless.

Unless the festivities truly are only for family or classmates, I recommend inviting this friend and appointing another friend or neighbor to accompany her and make sure she gets whatever help she needs to more-or-less fit in.

The only reason I can imagine excluding her is if she is likely to significantly disrupt the event.

amother

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 2:43 pm

I agree with Fox. I remember my bas mitzvah which was on the med-big scale because of my father's position in our community, and it included inviting people who most certainly mentally ill. I remember being upset that they had to come but my parents could not exclude a subset of people, and insisting that my parents give them the worst table- right next to the band. (Looking back I am a little ashamed of this). Now, two decades later, I remember my outfit that was so important to me, the color scheme that I chose, dancing with my friends, the speeches and songs from my family and friends, but I really don't remember these people at all. If you really are inviting NO non-family adults then you can say no, but if you are having a few then just tell your daughter that this is part of becoming an adult, and that you will do whatever you can to make sure your friend does not interfere with her special time.

Barbara

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 2:54 pm

Fox wrote:

Fox, if this woman was being excluded because of her differences, I would agree with you.

But she's not.

OP is inviting ONLY DD's friends, classmates, teachers and relatives. OP notes, "My personal friends are NOT being invited, unless they have a direct positive relationship with DD." I imagine that means the woman who drives the carpool to skating lessons, or who has DD at her house for Shabbat lunch once a month. This woman simply doesn't fall into that category of people. While the woman is described as socially awkward, I don't see anything that leads me to believe that she won't understand, "Ruti's bat mitzvah is next month, but we've decided that it will very small, and none of my friends are being invited. Your friendship means a lot to me, and I'm touched that you remembered Ruti's special time."

chocolate chips

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 4:53 pm

If dd is so strongly against it and its going to be mainly family, either don't tell her when it is and when she asks after say oh it was last week we had a party for family only.
Or just tell her that its only going to be dd classmates and no one else. She doesn't have to know.

OTOH if you invite her it will make her week, month, year. Maybe you can seat her and a few other people in a different room/table from dd.

Fox

Mon, Feb 27 2012, 5:08 pm

Barbara wrote:

Honestly, you expect me to read carefully before I jump in with some crazy opinion?! LOL

You are 100 percent correct, Barbara. Since the OP's friends aren't attending, there is no reason to include this woman. In fact, given that there won't be a lot of other adult friends-of-family types, her presence would make her stand out in a negative way regardless of any other issues.

In the words of great Gilda Radner, a"h, "Never mind."