DS makes me feel so inadequate

amother

Wed, Dec 12 2012, 9:33 am

My eldest son age 10 has a way of making me feel so inadequate as a mother. As soon as I pick him up from school he asks me to take him to the skate park. When I tell him not today (I have 4 other kids and dinner and homework to be done) he then asks to go to my mothers. She wasnt home so he then asks to go to the library. Now, its not like we never do these things, but it does have to fit in with eveeryone elses life in the family. After school (he finishes 5) is not the best time for me. But then he complains that I never take him anywhere and hes sooo bored etc.. Somehow it makes me feel so bad inside, like I am not doing enough for my kids or something. I feel that I should just somehow make it work to be able to take him here or there. My husband thinks he is manipulating me big time. Could be true, though he still makes me feel inadequate.
So what I'm asking is, what do you think I should do or respond to his demands? He obviously has needs, being the eldest he needs more attention than the others. But I cant just drop everything to take him here or there. And how far do you go to give your kids what they ask for and do what they want to do?

Fox

Wed, Dec 12 2012, 9:58 am

Ah, yes! Apparently your son was erroneously informed that you are the cruise director on the ship of life. Shuffleboard on the Lido Deck at 10, anyone?

One of the best things about day school/yeshiva education (aside from the obvious) is that it teaches kids to have tremendous concentration and zitzfleisch. One of the worst things is that with such a structured day, boys, especially, often have absolutely no idea of how to entertain themselves.

Here's what worked (more or less) with my kids:

* Schedule one or two outings per week that they can look forward to. Let them know in advance when you're planning these, and also let them know of any potential problems: "We'll plan to go to the library on Tuesday, but be aware that if Chani's doctor's appointment takes longer, we may have to reschedule."

* Arrange some "small treats" for a couple of days when no outings are scheduled. In Chicago, no one could parent without the help of 7-11 and Slurpees, but every community has its equivalent. It could be something special for dinner or playing a game with the kids -- just present it as the focal point of the evening.

* Look for opportunities to introduce the kids to hobbies. This is tricky; boys are in yeshiva all day and are often involved in various learning programs in their spare time. However, there are tons of kits designed for boys and, removed from the scrutiny of their peers, a lot of boys find various arts and crafts to be fun.

* Anyone who is bored is always welcome to fold laundry or clean out kitchen cabinets. In fact, a 10-year-old boy with time on his hands is perfectly capable of being the household's "laundry manager" -- possibly a paid position -- and coordinating all the washing, drying, and folding!

* Remind everyone, as needed, that you are neither a cruise director on the ship of life nor the activities head of Camp Life.

Hope this helps! You're not in the least inadequate, but I would describe your son's behavior as "negotiation" rather than "manipulation" -- and pretty normal. He figures it's worth a try to guilt you into something. This is annoying, but it's a sign that he probably has a good "Gemara kup"!

33055

Wed, Dec 12 2012, 9:59 am

amother wrote:

You need to change the focus off of you and onto what is best for your children. I am assuming you are a sahm so your needs are not the focus when the children come home from school. Please correct me if I am wrong as to your status.

You do not need posters to tell you it is not good to give children whatever they deem best. You and your husband must do what is best for your children's growth - not what makes you feel not "so bad inside." Giving into your son's demands could create a man who guilts people into doing what he wants. He could become someone who expects the world to revolve around him without consideration for others needs. His mom and siblings should not be last.

I assume your Mom's and the library are places of interest to the other children. Is there a playground right next to it.

You could make out a schedule and stick to it. On Thursdays you go to the library for instance. He should not get to dictate what your family does. That is your place.