Punish or Not? Response to 5 yr old DS getting lost...

btMOMtoFFBs

Sun, Feb 04 2007, 8:03 am

DS is 5-1/2. A good boy but always competitive with younger brother 4. 5 YO son always has to be first - answer questions before brother, etc. This is pretty normal, I know, but it went too far on Shabbos.

DH is walking home with boys from mincha yest. afternoon and 4yo needs to make #2 (while they're outside - not near any shul). DH helps him over to a tree and tells 5 yo son to wait near by.

5 yo disappears and B"H came home - but he came a long way by himself - even crossed streets. We couldnt believe it.

DS claims he couldn't find his father so was scared and came home by himself. DH says he told 5yo to stay near by and wonders if this was just another case of him wanting to be home "first" and going ahead.

DH was frantic - walking in the freezing cold with another child who needed to "make" being dragged along - screaming out 5yo son's name.

People in neighboring houses heard him and came out to help. Shomrim was called and they started looking for him. It was insane.

When I realized he came home by himself we went out looking for DH to relieve his worries. B"H we found him quickly as he had started heading home.

We were both so relieved that DS was OK. We talked to him endlessly about what he did wrong. That being first is NOT a mitzva and is not what makes M&D proud, but listening nicely always will.

Would you punish this child? I just can't decide. I'm so grateful he didn't get lost in the cold, hit by a car or taken by a stranger. What a scare!

Tefila

Sun, Feb 04 2007, 12:08 pm

Quote:

DH is walking home with boys from mincha yest. afternoon and 4yo needs to make #2 (while they're outside - not near any shul). DH helps him over to a tree and tells 5 yo son to wait near by.

Ok perhaps that was the mistake and we can all be guilty of it. With this age staying nearby is not good enuf one has to be specific as to where. SO I wouldn't punish your son just explain what could've happend and what he shouldv'e done. Hatzlacha B"h everything worked out ok.

greenfire

Sun, Feb 04 2007, 7:12 pm

I am sorry - but your not so D H should be punished for being stupid. You do not leave a 5 yr old nearby and expect he can listen. He should have taken care of him. It is also advisable if it is a long walk to and back from shul - parent should bring the kid to potty before they leave - just my 2 cents.

btMOMtoFFBs

Sun, Feb 04 2007, 9:29 pm

Green, my husband is NOT stupid! He is beating himself up about this plenty.

He always takes boys to bathroom before leaving shul, but 4yo son just mentioned his urgency for #2 on the walk.

DH did not ask 5yo son to wait far away, but to go back a little bit to give the 4yo a chance to make in peace. Then son got distracted, walked away and then got lost and came home. DH should have paid closer attention, no doubt. DS really should have known not to wander off and to always stay close to Totty, too.

In retrospect does DH wish he'd done it differently? Yes. But at the time it seemed like the best thing to do to help the little one make and not have an accident in his underwear.

DH agrees that we need to keep the 5yo one on a very short leash in the future and that we need major positive reinforcement for following the rules and to come down a little harder on this always being first thing.

But, we have decided not to punish, b/c he is only a child with a child's judgement and this was just a terriblt lack of judgement by both my H and my son.

We are giving LOTS of tzedekah though in our gratitude for him coming home safely.