'Spending Money' Guilt

amother

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 5:52 am

Am I the only one that feels this way? What's wrong with me?

A bit of background: I work very hard. I work from home, 12-15 hour days, 5-6 days a week. Due to my particular field, I don't really get vacation time. I worked through Pesach, I work through the summer, I work through all holidays. For a few years I had a second full time job as well but I no longer do so it's just this one. I have 4 young children at home and I don't even get shabbos off as I cook and host large meals as part of my husband's work. I have a cleaning woman for a few hours twice a month. Needless to say, I'm stretched thin.

For the first half of our marriage, I refused to take a vacation. I know I'd enjoy it, but I can't justify spending all that money. I work very hard in order to build my savings so that I'll be able to afford necessities for my children. Medical expenses. Weddings. Who-knows-what. I don't work to afford fancy things for myself. A few years ago my husband put his foot down and said we need a vacation once a year. Okay, it's with the kids because we have no one to watch them, but I actually take a couple of days off from work (which I never, ever, do) and can sit by a pool (albeit, with kids).

So why do I feel so guilty? I feel like I'm throwing money down the toilet that I will need for my children's future. A big problem for me is the price. Due to certain needs involving Kashrus and location, the hotel that fits what we're looking for is a fortune. (We do not live in America) Let's say the whole thing would be $2000. I can't handle the waste! Or maybe I can't handle spending money on myself. Goodness knows I need a vacation a couple of days a year, and goodness knows I work myself to the bone. So why do I feel so horrible? Is this common or are my feelings totally out of left field?

amother

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 7:53 am

Thank you both for your replies.

Flmommy, you're right. I need to look at it from that perspective. Spending time with family is important.
Unfortunately, due to our location and circumstances, there are very few options available to us when it comes to hotels. We found another one for a bit cheaper, but it's much further away. Transportation fees would negate anything we'd save.

Chocolate Chips, I'm glad I'm not the only one! I guess I don't see it as either vacation or nervous breakdown. Maybe I'm too low maintenance for my own good but if I didn't go away, I wouldn't break down. It's a huge luxury to me, not a necessity in any way, I guess that's why I look at it as such a waste.

21young

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 8:18 am

I'm sorry, I don't really get you at all. I also work very hard to pay for necessities, but everyone needs a vacation sometime. When I go away, even just overnight, I come back refreshed, and I'm a better mommy and worker. It is also good for your marriage to have some time alone.
Maybe instead of spending $2000 on a vacation go away every so often for short one-night stays, just to get a breather. You can bring your own food for one night, and it's not that expensive to hire someone to watch your kids for one night.

happybeingamom

Tue, Apr 09 2013, 10:32 am

Good for your DH!!

The question I think you need to ask yourself is why do you feel the need to be a martyr? Why do you need to do everything for the kids and nothing for yourself?

You need to acknowledge by doing for yourself you are doing for the family as well. Getting burnt out harms everyone. Vacation is needed and for you even more as you get no down time.

I would make the biggest effort to enjoy this vacation as much as possible.

Have a wonderful time have fun with DH and the kids!

amother

Wed, Apr 10 2013, 3:37 am

OP here, thank you all for your replies.

A lot of you wrote ways to change my thinking, like looking at it as quality time with the kids etc. That's a really good way to change my thinking, thank you.

A lot of you wrote great suggestions that unfortunately are not possible for us. Things like finding a cheaper place or getting away for the night or having someone else watch the kids just don't work for our situation due to work schedules and our location and so on. I wish they did though.

Generally, it's more of a feeling of not being able to spend money on myself. The vacation and it's price is just one example but apparently I have a problem actually spending money instead of saving it. I guess I'm a money-hoarder. I don't know where this attitude comes from - possibly my parents. But it's also not out of left field. Raising children is expensive and we aren't millionaires. If I buy myself an expensive purse etc.--who's making my kid's weddings? (I don't mean that the price of a purse is so major, I just meant spending money on myself. Where a more prevalent attitude I seem to see around me is, "I work hard for my money, I deserve nice things!" I can't bring myself to do that.)