my babies are being neglected, please help me!!!!!

amother

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 9:30 am

I need help.

I have 2 babies under age 2 and when I was pregnant and newly postpartum I let things go, like everything go, but my kids are neglected and I don't know how to pull it together. Everyone told me to lower my standards and I'm being hard on myself, that I need to give my kids love and it will work out.
Well it hasn't.
Sometimes my kids only get one bath a week because I have no idea how to bathe 2 kids at once or I need 2 people to bath them both. So when my husband is home, it happens.
I make supper for my husband and I after the kids are asleep but they just eat whatever, eggs, sandwhiches, yogurt. I don't make my baby, baby food (10 months) he just eat whatever regular food.
Often they go to sleep in their clothes.

I just feel overwhelmed and need advice on HOW to manage the day, fulfilling their needs. I gets overwhelmed dealing with entertaining them and keeping them from hurting each other, changing their diapers and keeping them happy that I lose the details. Our heter will be up soon but this is no way to manage. I am a quick learner but I need the skills. I have read may books on parenting but no books on this stuff.

So,
what is a normal schedule for this age?
How often should they have baths and how to manage 2?
What is normal suppers?

Can you help? I am BT and an only child - I am clueless.

shabbatiscoming

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 9:46 am

amother wrote:

These examples are NOT neglect. You giving them food and clothing. If you can manage only by having them sleep in their clothing, that should be the worst thing you ever do Smile

As for a bath once a week, as someone I am close with says "what, they are playing in the mud"? dont worry. Do what you can and thats all.

Being a BT has nothing to do with all of this. Also, I think you have to make sure your heter is renewed. This seems like it is of utmost importance.

Hugs and good luck!

mochacoffee

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:03 am

Having two babies is definitely overwhelming but you are not alone. It took me 6 months to get my twins on a normal schedule and I cried every day until then. You have to have confidence that you can do this.

First things first- a baby does not need a bath every day or even every other day as long as you keep their faces, hands, and diaper areas very clean. You should bathe them one after the other, it makes life easier. Leave a highchair or bouncer by the bathroom door with one child so you can keep him entertained at the same time. Once you dress the bathed baby, switch them. You also don't need to give them a 10 minute bath, 5 minutes is sufficient as long as you wipe them down with soap and clean all areas well. If you can't manage bathing 2 in one night, make a schedule. Like Mondays and Wednesdays is child a's bathing days and Tuesdays and Thursdays is child b's bathing day.s

As far as food, as long as your children don't have any allergies, and you introduce all new foods in a timely fashion, there is no problem with a 10 month old eating the foods you are eating. I couldn't do that because one of my twins is allergic to many foods so I had to introduce foods very slowly.

Going to sleep in their clothes- make your life easier please and keep them in stretchies. This is comfortable for them, safe for them to sleep in, and the easiest for the parent. Don't care what other people think. My kids didn't start wearing actual outfits until around 9 months but that's when I was ready. In my house they still always wear stretchies.

Get your children on a schedule right away. Once they learn a schedule things will ease up for you immediately. Since 6 months old my twins eat 4x a day. 7, 11, 3, 7. They know these are the times for eating. I give them snacks in between. Don't falter from that schedule unless they need to eat more often. Suppers I give chicken, vegetables, and a milk bottle before sleep.

At 10 months your baby can probably take 2-3 naps a day. If he/she is not sleeping through the night, skip that last nap. My kids now only take a 2 hour nap in middle of the day but I don't mind because they sleep 12 hours at night usually. (It took a while to get them on that schedule of one long nap and sleeping longer at night but that's how I need it, and its doable)

You don't always have to be entertaining your kids. They can learn to play by themselves or together. I spend at least 1 hour a day playing on the floor with my kids and they know after that mommy needs some down time too. They play together or if they are fighting I put them in their separate cribs. If I really need time to myself I set them up in their highchairs, put on a cartoon and let them watch for not more than an hour.

You can do this. It will take a little time and effort but you can! Good Luck!

boysrus

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:06 am

hi there OP, relax, being a mother to two kids under two is very very hard . been there done that . .. say no more.
First thing, dont think that your heter will be up very soon, because if you feel that you are not managing you will definitely be able to extend your heter as long as you can convey your stress to your rav. perhaps you should be the one to speak to him, not your dh. please make sure you can stay on bc until your baby is two, then you will have more time and energy to work things out.

also, your baby, if he/she is eating regular food and mangaing it without any choking, no problem, just keep it low on salt and sugar, and make sure ot offer whole grains, fruits and vegetables, just no choking hazards, no hotdogs(not that healthy anyway), no peanut butter, no nuts, grapes must be sliced lengthwise, no carrots, etc. you do need to make sur e to offer plenty of protein, esp to your older child. eg, chicken, meatballs, salmon or tuna, other fish, lentil or bean dishes (well cooked), eggs, dairy etc

bathing: can you put your baby in his crib to play while you bathe his big brother? then put big brohter to bed first, and then bathe baby. once a week is okay, but not ideal. try for two or three times a week. again, been there done that. you are not alone in your struggles here and I can really identify because I never handled a baby before I gave birth to my own, no little siblings, nieces and nephews etc. it is relaly hard at first!

next : your daytime routine. I found it was vital to inject some structure into my day when I had two kids under two.
for example:
go out for a walk or to a store at approx same time every day. double stroller works best
arrange a date with a friend for her to visti you with her toddler or you to visit her. that does wonders for your emotional/mental health. best thing is not to moan together,but to just relax together or even try to grab a few minutes to learn a few halachos togerher, eg brachos, or shemiras halashon.

try to teach them both to nap at the same time if htey dont already do that. then you will get a bit of space too.

btw, you are not neglecting your children, you are just still finding your feet here.
hatzlacha

shalhevet

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:09 am

amother wrote:

Your children don't sound neglected. Honestly, real neglect is when you don't have time to look at your children, but it sounds like you are interacting with them all day.

One hint which helped me is to always finish what you are doing, unless it is an emergency. So, if you are in the middle of diapering a child, nursing the baby, reading a story, do not go to get the other child a drink/ diaper them/ pick up something they've dropped, until you have finished (you can pick up the baby to hold while you are in the middle of a story).

I never made my children baby food. I nursed and gradually supplemented with foods they could feed themselves, or gave them "real" food, like the soup I'd made for everyone else.

About bathing, you can learn to bathe them together, and it can be a really fun time for you all. If your bathroom is big enough (un)dress them there (heat first in winter). If not, put both children in a safe place and prepare the bath water. Undress them both in the bedroom, and carry the baby and tell your toddler to walk to the bathroom. Your toddler can sit and you hold the baby in the bathtub. If he's ten months he probably only needs minimum support holding him and soon he'll also be able to sit up himself. Show your toddler how to wash themselves and/or wash with one hand, while you keep the other holding the baby. When you are finished, put the baby on a clean towel on the floor for a moment while you help the toddler out. If you need to dress them in the bed room, take both back at the same time - don't leave your child alone there. If you heated the room, nothing will happen to your toddler if he's naked for a few minutes while you dress the baby.

You can make food with your children. Put the baby in a bouncing chair or a high chair so he can watch, and let your toddler "help" by mixing etc. So it might take an hour plus time to stop, but in the end you'll have dinner ready for everyone.

Shana_H

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:10 am

First things first, Hugs!
Second, take a deep breath!
Third, for all intent and purpose I'm an Adopted BT, no siblings, so I do hear you, I ended up with five kids under six coz I wasn't very good at DEMANDING a Heter! I bolded the word DEMANDED coz that's what you need to do!
As for how to cope, here's what I suggest, here's what worked for me, I made a spread-sheet kind of timetable thingy that I hung in every room, it was divided into hours of the day, 6am, 7am, 8am, 9am, 10am, 11am, Noon, 1pm etc I had things like "wake up", "breakfast", "nurse baby", "laundry", "nap time", "free play", "housework" "time with Hubby" etc, As far as bath time goes, I had my infant in the baby bath, placed in the big bath with the older child seated in the "bath ring" at the other end of the tub, I only put about 3 inches of water in the tub, otherwise the infant will float away lol,
As far as food, you don't need to buy a Magic Bullet and make baby food from scratch, things like, scrambled egg, mashed bananas, chicken soup with the vegies and chicken run thru the blender, mushy cereal, mashed cottage cheese, yougart, etc are all relatively easy,
Clothing, should be changed every day, years later I still feel like I run a laundromat, I have a friend who used to bathe her kids and dress them for bed all dressed for school the next day, I'm not sure I like the idea, but it worked for her,
Most importantly, take it easy, don't be too hard on yourself. Best of luck!

sped

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:11 am

I can't help with most of this. It sounds too familiar. But as long as they are getting healthy, balanced meals, they don't have to be cooked. I do eggs a few times a week, cheese is a great protein too. frozen vegetables can be thrown into a microwave or pot quickly. Really, there is nothing wrong with putting up a pot of pasta and serving it: with cheese and ketchup, cottage cheese and ketchup; cottage cheese, tuna and mayonnaise, etc. Most kids love it in any shape or form.
To be honest, bread, cheese and a tomato is a meal. So is bread, sardines and chopped up vegetable. I find fruit easier than vegetables to give raw. Much of it is softer and just needs to be cut into small pieces. Do use cereal and milk? That is also a meal. I do oatmeal a lot. I use plain oatmeal, pour on hot water and mix in apple sauce and some milk - a full meal.
If you manage to feed yourself and dh, you are in a good place. I cannot coutn how often I fall asleep with the kids and tell dh to fend for himself.
As far as bathing: I find it a great child entertainer. I used the bath to keep my older boy busy. While he was in the bath, I would dip the baby into the water, take her out, soap her and dip in again to rinse - all this while big boy was playing in the bath. I'd bring baby's pajamas along and dry - dress her in the bathroom while big boy was still playing with his toys. Sometimes I even fed baby then. The I would put her down and quickly finish big boy off.
(I am assuming these aren't twins.)
Realize you are fine, normal, just keep your door closed and your ears shut to criticism. And speak to your rav.

acemom

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:15 am

First of all hugs!

I have never really been in your situation but I can partially relate. Even with only one baby I almost had your schedule/setup. I now look back and can say that as long as my kid was fed and diaper changed at reasonable intervals (whatever that means for you....) I wouldn't call it neglect. DH wasn't available to help and wasn't home for dinner most nights so my then toddler ate whatever I could find the strength to put together at the moment. Problem was though that "I" neglected myself in the process as I wasn't eating regular meals either!
I would suggest you make sure that "MOMMY" is well fed and taken care of first. Try to get a quick shower every night/morning and eat full meals not just graze on the fly.
I am sure others will have helpful suggestions so good luck!

chatouli

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:17 am

If your youngest is still very little (younger than 9 months) I don't think bathing them together is a great idea. I second the suggestion to leave baby in a bouncer or car seat in the bathroom with you when you bathe the toddler. That's what I did and it was fine. If the baby needs a bath, depending on when he or she goes to bed, maybe you can bathe the baby after the toddler goes to bed. In wintertime 2 or 3 baths per week is probably sufficient.

Set a good schedule for yourself and try not to deviate. I don't mean do xyz at set times but more like a routine. Dinner, one child has a bath, pajamas, story, bottles, songs, brush teeth, bed.

Can you hire a mothers helper in the evenings until you get into the swing of things?

Btw I never made my second any baby food. He is almost two today and has the most amazing palette - he ate salmon, green beans and Brussels sprouts for lunch yesterday! Just try to make sure the food is nutritious and all else will be ok, if no allergies.

I strongly suggest conveniences, like ordering groceries by phone/email, paper plates, etc if that sort of thing helps. It helps me.

Good luck!

freidasima

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:23 am

Ok relax, by now you realize that you are not neglecting your children.
So here's a suggestion from an old bubbie. Use a playpen. Stick the younger in the playpen and keep the older busy next to the playpen and you be nearby and take some time for yourself and read a book, put on music, or place the playpen in the entrance to the kitchen and far away from the stove and cook. Take time for yourself.
Bathing. schedule it that each kid gets bathed every second day and meanwhile put the other one in the playpen. Yeah it's a cage and a great one at that. Let's you cope. If they scream and cry just shout out that you are nearby and they should play. After a few days they will get the hang of it.
Get a heter. For as long as you need. Repeat that sentence. Get a heter. For as long as you need.
If you bathe a kid every second day they will only sleep in their clothes every second day. Not bad at first. I had one that loved a certain dress and slept in it and wore it every single day (you read me right) for months and months. Maybe years I don't remember. And this was WITH a bath. Boy did she love that dress. She was about four or five. Nothing happened. We washed the dress while she was in the bath. Sometimes she would put it on wet. Yeah you read me right. Nothing happened. so chill.

Food for kids = I serve the same thing every day, day after day. Adult food is just fine. Make up a big soup at the beginning of the week. Serve it every day for lunch day after day. It's healthy.

Use a playpen.

musicmom

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:24 am

It is really hard to have such young children so close together in age. I have a 3,2 and 1 year old. It isn't easy. It sounds like you are not doing a terrible job. I like to keep my kids on a schedule. I am a teacher, so I have summer off from work. In the summer, I gave them naps after lunch each day. By no means did they all take naps at that time, but it was a quiet time in their rooms with the lights off where I could recharge and get things done! I put my kids to bed at 7:30 and also wake them in the morning, to be sure they will be tired at night. The bedtime routine starts very gradually at 5. I don't bath the children as often in the winter, but here is how I do it. I make a bath and put in the kids who can sit up by themselves. I wash them and let them play. At the end of the bath, when my youngest was younger, I would wash her, hold her up and let her play. I would then take her out and put her in a bumbo seat next to the tub or lay her on a towel on the floor. I would drain the tub and let the other kids come out, give them towels, take the baby and escort everybody out of the bathroom and shut the door. I would put a diaper on the baby and dress her, and then take care of the other kids afterwards. My children really like pajamas because it is a routine and helps them get ready for bed. That being said, on days I am exhausted from work, my husband helps me put the kids to bed in their clothes. He always reads them great stories. We let the children choose the music they listen to each night for bed. I think taking care of children who are so little and in diapers is difficult and you should be really proud of yourself!

MMCH

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:39 am

first of all op, that is totally not neglect, your doing fine
if your children are healthy, eating normal things, and clothed in clean clothing, they sound like they are doing well.

I didnt have 2 under 2, I had my 2nd when my first was 2 and 3 months.
which is a difference.
my first question I would ask you, was your first on some sort of schedule? do your kids sleep at night? do they take naps? at the same time?
are you a scheduled/routine kind of person?
try to think of the day as a 24 hour period. 12 of those hours should be for sleep for the children.

did you ever read the book "The Baby Whisperer" by Tracy Hogg? Its a great book that helps organize the day into Eating, Activity, and Sleep, then You.

Emotional

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 11:41 am

I have 4 kids BH and a 5th on the way. When this baby is born my youngest 2 will be 18 months apart.
Let me tell you that everything you listed sounds pretty good to me. Due to health issues that.sap my strength,.and my.husband not home during the week, I run my house pretty much the same as you do.
My kids often go to sleep in their clothes.
In fact - and I know not everyone will agree with this - I will sometimes have my kids go to sleep partially dressed in the next day's clothes because it makes the morning so much easier.
Sometimes I let my baby go even longer than a week without a real bath - I keep a small box of baby wipes soaked in diluted baby shampoo, and every day I wipe down her hands, face, and diaper area.
My kids are all fussy eaters, sometimes I cater to it,.sometimes I don't. The key is if your kids are growing at a healthy rate you can assume they are eating fine. Eggs and yogurt are very healthy for babies, keep giving it to them!
Don't get pregnant if you're feeling overwhelmed. I know you're not supposed to go "Rav-shopping" but if your Rav is not able to understand where you are coming from, you need to find one who does.