my babies are being neglected, please help me!!!!!

groisamomma

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:06 pm

No time to read the entire thread, but just wanted to chime in to agree with friedasima that you should use a playpen. I was extremely insulted when my MIL told me to use one and I purposely (stupidly) didn't, and all these years later I regret it. My kids were little and it would have made my life so, so much easier. I had 3 kids under age 2 and it would have saved my sanity (on second thought, maybe not...nothing would have saved that LOL

shlomitsmum

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:16 pm

1) You sound normal but perfectionist
2) In winter Bathing once or twice a week is fine
3)Playpen is good while you bathe the oldest
4) I bathe with my baby Smile

(((hugs)))) keep doing your best and don't be hard on yourself ,better a messy home of a loving mum than a tidy home of a cold distant one. Kids remember the love ! NOTHING ELSE

amother

Wed, Dec 11 2013, 10:55 pm

chanee wrote:

amother wrote:

I will try to be gentle but this is my suspicion:
IF you are a stay at home mom, I suggest you look into the possibility of postpartum depression. That might be the reason behind you feeling overwhelmed and not getting important things done.

If you work out of the house, disregard my advice. Then it would make more sense. And accept my hugs.

why pp depression? And what does it have to do with working outside the house? Did you ever have 2 kids under age of 2? I did and untill one started leaving during the day I coped the same as op. My kids where never neglected. (Only today I didn't bath them and they ate after being in pajamas Batting Eyelashes

)

I'm the amother who suspects PPD.
First, yes I've had 2 under 2, and even 3 under 3. So don't accuse! Rolling Eyes

Second, it's understandable that if she works out of the house, she'd have less time for all that.
But if home all day, and so completely overwhelmed to even wash up and change a kid into PJs that might point to PPD.

Goldie1964

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 1:24 am

I had a 2 year old, a one year old and then newborn twins, one of whom was severely handicapped. Having many young babies at home can be very stressful and emotionally draining, especially if your DH isn't home to help. Sometimes local school have programs where they will send teenage girls to help mothers (especially around meals or bath-time) and there are also some community programs that have "adopt-a-bubbie". When my babies were small, I did "adopt-a-bubbie" and ended up with the most beautiful, wonderful, warm hearted woman. Besides helping with the children, she was a wonderful conversationalist and just what I needed. The human connection and companionship helped me turn the corner from just barely managing to totally fine.
See if you can't find some way to get some human help in the house (for free). I am sending you many many wishes of peace and calm and joy and satisfaction with yourself as a mother your way.

Beyla

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 4:54 am

Such a nice thread with so many positive answers and excellent advices!

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 10:16 am

Sounds ok to me.

Hugs. You are doing great.

Dolly Welsh

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 11:08 am

Playpens are great. The kid can see you, and is protected. I wouldn't do too much leaving the room where he is, though.

You can keep an eye on him while he is in the playpen.

No blankets, perhaps. Nothing with a string on it, no strings, no pacifier hanging from a string.

He's fine because he can see you. He needs to see you.

With a lot of little kids, it might even be useful to have two playpens, in the same room.

spinkles

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 11:47 am

OP I remember those years. It was hard. Just do your best and don't worry about what you wish you could do. Nobody's family life is the way it looks on the outside.

I like to make big pots of soup (the kind that are a complete meal in a bowl--like lentils, brown rice, and lots of veggies) and freeze them in the ziploc freezer bags. Then you always have a quick healthy supper option. Serve with whole wheat toast.

It's also pretty easy to make a pot of quinoa or brown rice and mix it with canned beans and whatever veggies and spices you want. You can freeze brown rice to have on hand.

If you're really pressed for time and money is not a major issue you can buy the Imagine soups and add frozen veggies and have a nice healthy soup that is kid-friendly.

Ruchel

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 12:03 pm

I was a young mom and only, in a world without many babies, had never baby sat, and sometimes I was overwhelmed with ONE (no, not birth control, Hashem's bc lol) and certainly when bh I had number 2.

My mom told me what other posters say, that what matters is health and security and basic cleanliness. A baby or a small child needs really few compared to what the modern society thinks, and most things he needs are not material.

Pita

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 12:21 pm

Shana_H wrote:

Emotional wrote:

raqsmama wrote:

Am I missing something? Where is DH? My husband bathes the children while I make the lunches for the next day.

You can probably assume her husband is unavailable when she needs the help (working, etc) or maybe he is not the helpful type, in which case telling her what your husband does certainly doesn't make her feel better.

I wasn't even thinking about Daddy but I'm sorry, RaqsMama raises a very valid point! I'm not sure I understand, if I was so obviously overwhelmed my Husband would make himself available to help me, saying that he may not be the "helpful type" is tantamount to letting him get away without having to pitch in! He made himself "available" when these babies were conceived, surely he can help out with at least bath time, which can be a time chosen to suite Husband's schedule if needed. I am by no means attempting to belittle you OP, but if you don't ask, you won't get. Admitting you need your Husband's help, and asking for his help should not be confused with incompatence.

My husband often works until after the children have to be in bed. Let's offer help to OP given the resources she has, not those which may be unavailable right now (even her husband).

asweet

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 1:15 pm

this is what makes me feel on top of things but might not be helpful to you...

1) first thing in the morning - or right after kids breakfast prepare supper ( if its chicken defrost the night before) I do a one pot supper for those ages its the best - dice an onion and add chicken for 1 1/2 hrs then potatoes for 1/2 hour with water - it remains soft and kids have a great wholesome supper.

2) 2nd thing is to throw in a load - so when kids are quiet for a bit, laundry will be ready to be folded or hung up

if supper is done and laundry on the way I always feel calmer!

I do bathe the kids daily but its 1-2-3 - as I find you anyway have to wash hands/face might as well dunk them in the bath
-while water is running I undress the kid
-put them in and soap and shampoo
-rinse and out they come! dress in pj's and into bed

I do older toddler first while baby is on the rug next to me or in a bouncer
then toddler relaxes on bed with books while baby gets its bath

this is what works for me- good luck!

Blue jay

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 8:43 pm

asweet wrote:

This system worked for me too, when I had 2 toddlers and a baby!
Cook dinner in the morning and laundry in progress, did make me feel alot calmer too!

chocolate chips

Thu, Dec 12 2013, 10:17 pm

In regards to bathing, especially in the winter and young kids where they are not running around in the sand and grass and are not sweaty, a bath 1-2 times a week is not terrible.
It is definitely not neglect.

On other nights you can simply fill a sink with some warm water and baby shampoo and rinse your toddlers face and hands and your baby's too.

Bouncer chairs and playpens are also not neglect nor is letting your baby cry for 10minutes so you can clean, change and dress/pj your toddler!

(((hugs)))

seeker

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 12:14 am

amother wrote:

I need help.

I have 2 babies under age 2 and when I was pregnant and newly postpartum I let things go, like everything go, but my kids are neglected and I don't know how to pull it together. Everyone told me to lower my standards and I'm being hard on myself, that I need to give my kids love and it will work out.
Well it hasn't.
Sometimes my kids only get one bath a week because I have no idea how to bathe 2 kids at once or I need 2 people to bath them both. So when my husband is home, it happens.
I make supper for my husband and I after the kids are asleep but they just eat whatever, eggs, sandwhiches, yogurt. I don't make my baby, baby food (10 months) he just eat whatever regular food.
Often they go to sleep in their clothes.

I just feel overwhelmed and need advice on HOW to manage the day, fulfilling their needs. I gets overwhelmed dealing with entertaining them and keeping them from hurting each other, changing their diapers and keeping them happy that I lose the details. Our heter will be up soon but this is no way to manage. I am a quick learner but I need the skills. I have read may books on parenting but no books on this stuff.

So,
what is a normal schedule for this age?
How often should they have baths and how to manage 2?
What is normal suppers?

Can you help? I am BT and an only child - I am clueless.

First of all, you really can be less harsh on yourself. On such little kids, it's really not so bad to skip baths as long as they're overall staying healthy and not caked in mud. Confession, and I'm not even posting as amother here, hope nobody's judging: I often give my kids one bath a week, for Shabbos, unless someone gets especially smelly or dirty (we wash faces and hands more regularly, baby gets wiped down when she gets messy) Oh, and my 2 kids under 2 are now 3 and 1, so you'd think I'd have gotten the hang of it by now - if you're still in the 2-under-2 stage then definitely cut yourself ANOTHER whole lot of slack.

But practically speaking: 2 kids in bathtub is doable but not easy. Have everything ready within arms reach. One hand hovers over each child. Wipe down one, wipe down the next. Splash splash. Take the one who can stand independently out first, wrap them in the towel (which, remember, is right next to you). Leave them standing wrapped in the towel while you remove the younger and wrap in another towel. Hold younger baby in one hand, use other hand to usher the other towards bedroom. Snuggle all together in towels and blankets until everyone's dry and warm. Apply diapers as quickly as possible, begin with whoever has worse bladder control. Let one streak around undressed while you dress the other. Then dress the one who's still not dressed. Of course, if something happens like water gets sloshed all over your prepared towels or the newly cleaned kid manages to poop your newly cleaned bed before you pinned them to the diaper, the whole thing doesn't look quite so beautiful - that's when you exercise your calm self-talk skills ("I gave my kids a bath. I'm not a bad mother just because they're full of poop now. Kids do this stuff. OK, everyone, back in the bath, and if this means bedtime will be an hour late tonight it does NOT make me a bad mother. I am awesome because my kids just see the big smile on my face that I totally don't mean.")

Option B, one kid bathes at a time: Bring many toys to bathroom (is the baby small enough to stick in a bouncy seat or exersaucer right outside?) Bathe kid in bath while shooing away the other one with your other hand/foot/nose (you DO have an other nose, right?) When you remove the kid from the bath, pull the plug and get them both out of the bathroom. Focus on dressing the bathee while letting the other kid entertain himself or scream or whatever. Switch the children the next night, giving the other one the bath, OR wait until the first bathee goes to sleep and then bathe the other one in peace. I do a lot of things in shifts like that (baths, pajamas, the works) because even though it might take longer it's sooo much less stressful.

OK, baths are done, now for the food. News: Eggs, sandwiches, and yogurt are food! You are feeding your children! SCORE! Kids don't even like real food at least half the time. BTW, real food is just as good as baby food if it's safe (not choking hazard) and kid is willing to eat it. There are whole philosophies about this. Tell your judgy friends or parents or whatever that you're part of the "real food" movement. Whenever I go all out making real food I think will be family friendly, they either won't touch them or spit them out. Make the sandwiches whole wheat and the yogurt low-fat and give yourself a pat on the back. Throw in fruits and veggies if you can. Bananas are easy if they'll take them. Pears, peaches, etc. from a can are soft enough for the toothless among us. So are canned peas and string beans. Don't read about how canned veggies are not as good as fresh; veggies are always better than no veggies. And food is definitely better than no food, so give yourself some non-neglectful pats on the back. Confession time: there have been many days when I didn't realize my kid was hungry until they were shrieking about it. Why are you crying? Oh gosh stop crying. Maybe if I bounce you some more? Wait, when was the last time she ate? Do you want some cheerios? (NOM) Ohhhhh.... embarrassed

OK, those have not been my best days but we all survived. Nobody is going to starve here. Hopefully they won't be writing sad stories in Binah about how their mother neglected them, either. (attention sad story readers: WE ARE TRYING HERE!!!!)

OK, we're fed and bathed and now we want clothes. Let's even each other out - your kids go to sleep in their clothes, and mine spend all day in pajamas. Fair? LOL. I guess yours at least look better if someone comes over by surprise! OK, we do not do this every day. But for the baby, definitely often enough. So far she doesn't seem to care. When you have to take them to school every day clothes get a bit more meaningful, but don't think about that now. Aim for comfy clothes, not tight scratchy ones, and you'll be fine. My babies can live up to a week in the same Carter's jumpsuit if their diapers don't leak. Again, not every week, but it has happened and it is not the end of the world. Don't tell them and they'll never know.

YAY!!! You're doing awesome! Your kids are bathed once in a while, are not going hungry, and are wearing something. PERFECT 100% SCORE! Now about that heter. I don't really get the business of a heter being "up." Tell your rabbi you are not yet ready to cope with more children, and you need all your energy at the moment for the kids you already have. With two kids under 2 already, I can't imagine any rav telling you you need to go off BC at this point.

gold21

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 12:47 am

You need to extend your heter until you feel ready for another baby. Please don't let yourself be manipulated by the system- be strong and stand up for yourself. Only you know what you can handle- Rabbi Anonymous is not you and does not know you as well as you know yourself. A real rabbi would understand that if you are overwhelmed by two little ones, you need a longer break. I hope your rabbi knows what he's doing. Today's Rabbis are not prophets- you need to express clearly what your needs are so that you will get the heter you need, your rabbi cannot read your mind.

yedidask

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 10:42 am

Sorry, but I just have to say this... WHY in the world do people think that someone who already feels overwhelmed has to ask permission of a man to not have children????!!! If someone cannot care for, or afford children (or more), or even if they just choose not to have 7 children - that is entirely THEIR decision to make! ...and before someone asks/says it, I will tell you that, yes, I am Orthodox; but I am just disgusted by this! There have been MANY case of children being abused and neglected, because they were not wanted, or mom's had more than they can handle - all because people have the WRONG idea that women must continue to have children! Hashem would not want this! If you cannot cope, don't have them.

In the meantime, the father's need to help - they helped to make them, and they must help with their care!

amother

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 10:48 am

yedidask wrote:

I hate to say this but I agree.
G-d knows better than a basar vadam. I plan after this pregnancy go on Bc with a clear conscience because G-d sees what my life is like, in ways that perhaps I can't adequately explain to a Rav.

PinkFridge

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 11:11 am

yedidask wrote:

Welcome. Though your name's a bit ironic in the current context - Yedid, ask. Or is it Yeah, did ask Wink

causemommysaid

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 11:20 am

yedidask wrote:

this is one of the biggest debates on imamother. at this point most of us just gave up this argument and we all just agree to disagree regardless of which team we play for.

yedidask

Fri, Dec 13 2013, 6:25 pm

With all due respect, I fail to see where there is anything to debate. The bottom line is, we are to LIVE by the commandments, not die by them!!! and NOWHERE is there any commandment that says a woman is required to keep having children that she cannot take care of - and if she is told to, then that IS violating the commandment to not harm oneself! It is also a violation of Torah itself and all that it represents, to push a woman to have children, when she knows she is completely overwhelmed and/or is not equipped to be able to care for those children! Pushing it to the point where children end up neglected and abused is a violation of every conceivable ethic; and is actually perpetrating abuse upon children and mothers! So, NO, there is NO debate - it is purely WRONG - a woman must be the judge of her ability to have children, as she is the ONLY one who really knows.