Surrendered Wife - did anyone turn over the finances

amother

Tan

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 1:32 pm

I'm not sure if I understand you correctly. I work but leave finances up to dh. Don't know how much money we have leave him to take care of all bills. we used to split bills and each pay with our own paychecks but I got stressed from it so let him take over. I don't question his purchases and exppiece him not to question mine. we are both responsible adults trying our best. f I'm making a bigger purchase Ill ask him if its okay. Sometimesif its something I need I will say Im getting this, its a need, I know it's above budget but you can figure out how to pay for it. This works for us.

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 3:14 pm

She says to let him manage it. Most couples in my neighborhood are dual income. And in most couples, only one party is paying the bills and balancing the finances. (Could be wife or husband). So I was managing it for years but it has been stressful for me. I have slowly been turning it over to my husband. So now we manage it "together." But I want him to do it alone because I think he will do a better job of it.

Also, the ideal of The Surrendered Wife is that when the wife gives up the finances, she can focus on other things like self-care or even her hobbies. In my case, I'd like to focus on other things I enjoy more, like exercising, cooking healthy food, and enriching my children's education with extra-curricular activities. The big question I am grappling with, is ... will my husband rise to the occasion when it comes to the finances, and if I am not "in charge" of the finances, how do I know how much money I can spend?

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 3:16 pm

amother wrote:

I'm not sure if I understand you correctly. .... Sometimesif its something I need I will say Im getting this, its a need, I know it's above budget but you can figure out how to pay for it. This works for us.

So, does that mean that you have a budget? How did you make the budget? What are some things that you "need" that are above budget? Why would a "need" be above budget? Like, if my kids need to go to camp, that better go into the budget! Is getting your sheitel washed a need that is above the budget?

By the way ... thanks so much for replying. Your post is encouraging! That's why I am following up with questions.

The Happy Wife

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 3:24 pm

amother wrote:

How much time do you spend dealing with finances that you could really take up a hobby instead?

amother

Vermilion

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 3:28 pm

Well, I usually have a to-do list with like 6 things on it, all finance related. Pay gardener, pay medical bill, register kids for camp, pay shul, place ad for friends' dinner, and pay parking ticket. But it's not just that. It's much more, like - do I have enough money to register the kids for camp now with the early bird special, or should I wait until I get my bonus in March and then pay $300 more. Or, my kids' tuition is going up by $1500 a month (altogether) next year, so do I need to look for a new job or not.

Thinking about finances occupies a lot of my brain-space and I can't cook as well as I used to. Never mind baking - I need to be really relaxed to bake, and I'm not relaxed. So maybe if my very capable husband steered this ship, I could relax?

The Happy Wife

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 3:46 pm

Do you have a budget? Maybe just having a better idea of your budget it would alleviate some stress. Instead of asking my husband if there's room in the budget for something, I look at our budget myself.

We have a budget in excel and I use that to see what our finances will look like with more tuition, etc.

My husband and I share finances. We each have a credit card that we pay from a shared account.

I would find it more stressful to not know what I scan spend without checking with my husband. Does that mean you have to check before every purchase? Or just spend without thinking until DH says it's a problem?

I imagine handing over finances would work well if you were not on a tight budget. You spend as needed, DH pays really bills. But would that really work for most people?

SRS

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 4:21 pm

I have not read the Surrendered Wife and to be honest, some of the discussions I see turn me off a bit (so that is my disclaimer). But when it comes to finances, generally the best set up is for the detail-oriented person to run the daily operation while both spouses, together, have meetings about the finances to determine direction and budget. No spouse should be in the dark as to the financial position, where savings are and an approximation of how much, what liabilities there are like mortgages, car payments, and the income being earned by each spouse. Each spouse should know what is available to spend on what have you.

There is no reason to turn it over if your husband is detail oriented. But don't turn over your own awareness.

The Happy Wife

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 5:30 pm

amother wrote:

We don't have a budget.

How did you make your budget? Was your husband involved? What was the process like?

Husband and I sat down. We used excel to write down our monthly income and deducted expenses. We put down all fixed expened (rent/mortgage, cell phone, insurance, etc.). Then we made categories for every other possible expense. Annual expenses we divided by twelve to include in our monthly budget.

So now we know how much we can afford to spend on groceries, clothes, etc. and we try to stick to it.

We also have a misc expense category for when things come up unexpectedly.

amother

Goldenrod

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 5:52 pm

Just the title of that book makes me sick. But then again I'm probably the ideal she espouses without trying. I don't have a regular job. Just freelance. Nothing nearly enough to pay the bills. I'm also not the organized one and the doer in the equation. Ergo, I am more than happy to let dh handle the finances. He's doing a great job at it.

amother

Pearl

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 7:53 pm

SRS wrote:

THIS.
Dh is good at sorting bills, paying online and dealing with banks/ utilities/ taxes, so I leave it to him and ask him to sort x out for me if it involves the bank.

Budget and income are obviously jointly decided, we earn the same and have an approx, not strict budget and discuss any purchases over a certain amount (not really a value, more something that is a significant purchase, so I would buy a winter coat if I needed it without consulting him, but not a camera or luxury item).

I deal with housework and household needs, so shopping, laundry, meal prep etcare in my domain, which I enjoy. He deal with finances and broken down stuff/ plumbers/ cars/ lightbulb changing etc.

The fact that I am completely capable of doing the things in his domain (from living independently before marriage) is as irrelevant as the "traditional division of labor" - each suits our preference and personality type so we don't get bothered by the seeming stereotypical arrangement.

But we don't do surrendered wife, just agree domains as equals.

musicmom

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 9:12 pm

No.

I liked the book, but this is a tough point. I work full time. My credit card is in my name, and I used my good credit to buy our house and car. My husband doesn't always pay bills on time.

Also, he tends to buy large toys we don't need for the kids. He also has a penchant for kitchen appliances and legos.

I am really not prepared to turn my finances over to him.

I will, however, ask his opinion on things he cares about, and am still griping when the answer is no. But I try to listen.

sourstix

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 9:19 pm

oh boy do I wish I can write a budget. I just dont have fixed income. dhs business was relocated a few months ago and we dont know whats gonna come in. so we go by what comes in. and the most important things get paid first. the stuff I would love to get I sometimes do and sometimes dont get. oh I wish dh would want to budget at least somewhat. I simply cant. you cant budget when you have more expenses then income. like tuition etc....

sourstix

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 9:23 pm

oh and the surrendered thing. I didnt read the whole book. I wish I really understood it better I just dont understand the concept. maybe I should first read it and ask you ladies what its all about. I think and correct me if I am wrong anyone that read the book. surrender here they mean is to give dh a chance to feel like he is taking care of you. cause husbands want to take care of their wives. and wives want dh to take care of them. of course you want independance too. so there is place for that too. but when you give dh a chance to take care of you you are being vulnerable and opening yourself to a more intimate relationship that brings alot of closeness. and understanding and a lot of love. not sure if I wrote it well. correct me if im wrong

mommy3b2c

Thu, Dec 17 2015, 10:12 pm

I don't have a choice but to surrender all financial matters to my husband. He refuses to tell me what's going on. It is very nerve wracking because it makes me feel very out of control. The good news is, I have a debit card that I use to take out cash whenever I need it, and I also have credit cards. In general, my husband doesn't get involved in what I spend and rarely complains. In order to make myself feel a little more in control, I opened up a checking account in a bank that my husband does not know about. Every few weeks, I deposit money into that account.