I need support and advice please- over involved husband

amother

Blonde

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 1:54 pm

My husband is soo involved with raising our children, bH. I know that it is bracha to have kids and to have his support...but...I am having such a hard time with his opinions/advice. From no meds for our kids, to nap time and feeding schedules, he has an opinion on it all. I do not ask him for his advice but as a male, he gives it and then expects me to follow it to the T.
He is also very sensitive so when I do not do something in regard to parenting exactly his way (not major stuff, like if I feed my baby in the middle night and he feels our child should be sleeping through the night) he gets upset. I tried discussing it with him but have not had any luck. He just repeats that he wants what is best for our child. I am desperate for advice on how to talk to him, how to cope (I know I cannot change him), etc..
Thanks!

amother

Brunette

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:01 pm

parenting is a joint effort - there is no 'my parenting' and 'his parenting' (as in is DH too involved in your parenting)

To make running a household smoother most families leave some choices up to one parent - for example, how to set a nap schedule, or when to start to feed solids, or what color Tshirts to purchase. However there is not rule that all of these things can't be considered by both parents.

Major things like - how to handle a medical issue, what school to send to are typically discussed.

So I'm not sure why you are upset that your DH has an opinion on how his children are to be raised - what is upsetting is that your voice isn't heard. I offer no advice on that.

SixOfWands

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:12 pm

marina wrote:

It sounds like he's giving orders, not opinions or advice. And not very good advice either.

He needs to read books, go to parenting classes, speak to physicians, etc. Plse do not sacrifice your children on the altar of shalom bayis.

Unfortunately, it sounds like the OP is issuing orders as well. There is room for legitimate differences of opinions on many parenting matters, and it sounds like each parent is demanding that their way of doing things hold, without any consideration or respect of the other.

That's bad on all fronts.

OP and Mr. OP need to get on the same parenting page, through discussion, reading, classes, talking to counselors, or something. Then they need to begin respecting each other's rights as parents.

marina

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:15 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Quote:

I do not ask him for his advice but as a male, he gives it and then expects me to follow it to the T.

This was the part most concerning to me.

mommy3b2c

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:20 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

Where did you read that she is issuing orders? I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those threads that the more details we get, the more disturbed we are going to be.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:21 pm

OP here: The problem is that he reads books-lets say on how to sleep train and then whatever he agrees with (let our child cry at night/early morning till it has been 12 hours of being in the crib, etc.) he will tell me and whatever he chooses not to listen to (feels not as important he does not care about). Maybe I am exaggerating because I do not find him controlling in general. I did tell him that when it comes to these things I do feel like he feels "my way or the highway." I would love to discuss all these things with him in depth but because of his attitude, I have such a hard time when we do discuss it.

SixOfWands

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:24 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Where did you read that she is issuing orders? I have a feeling that this is going to be one of those threads that the more details we get, the more disturbed we are going to be.

Or maybe less disturbed./ Who knows.

In any case, she's complaining about the fact that he has an opinion on certain things, and wants it done his way (him issuing orders). She, OTOH, wants it done her way, and why does he have the right to have an opinion on this stuff (her issuing orders).

myname1

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:26 pm

I agree with the above posters that in raising children a lot needs to be discussed. It's true, it's his child, too, and he also cares about how he is raised and cared for. If I woke up to feed the baby and my husband said "Shimmy should be sleeping through the night already. You need to stop feeding him," I would probably (maybe in the morning if it's too late or whatever to respond then) say something like "I agree it's important for us all to get some sleep, and it could be you're right that he's ready for that, but I feel like it's important to "baby" him a bit longer in order to be sure he'll grow up feeling nice and secure." Showing him something about why you feel the way you do, whether it's a book or article or giving over a story you heard might also help. If it's something you're really not sure about and might be willing to do differently, I would ask him why he thinks so and have more of a discussion.

It sounds like perhaps your husband is not feeling so secure in whatever it is he's doing all day, so he is trying to have some input in something he feels like he can control or fix or whatever. Maybe try to show you value his opinion (and even ask for it sometimes!) to give him a feeling of belonging in your family. Of course my fake dad quoted above could be much more curteous and polite than your husband, and much more understanding and accepting of different views, so sorry if that doesn't sound like something that would really fly with you two.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:26 pm

OP again, I definitely respect his opinions and do try to listen to them and make us both happy. I just wish there was a way to discuss these issues with him so we can compromise. He does not say you must listen to me but he gets upset when I do not...

mommy3b2c

Tue, Aug 29 2017, 2:28 pm

SixOfWands wrote:

To me, it sounds like she wants to discuss their ideas and come to a compromise, but he refuses. His way or the highway.

amother

Violet

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 2:38 am

OP, how long have you been parenting together? How old is your oldest?
The reason I ask is because my ex was never controlling but it started with the kids. He wanted things done his way in parenting and only he was right. My opinion didn't count. He thought they should cry it out, I didn't want that and I was wrong. Anyway it was very subtle and it was all under this facade of being best for the kids but totally invalidated my own opinions. He didn't respect me as a parent or person.
It started generally but got really bad over time over what I could say to kids, what consequences to give, etc.

He needs to respect your opinion. Value you and your insights.

I will share more if this is relevant to you.

Tziril Miriam

Wed, Aug 30 2017, 10:54 am

Please consider this: Your husband has an anxiety disorder.

I recommend that you and your husband take a parenting class together. To find a good one, google: "parenting class" and then your zip code.

Many divorce or shared-custody agreements require parenting classes. Don't choose a class organized for divorcing parents. If possible, pick a hospital-based class as it will be run by professionals with childcare and mental health credentials.

Discuss the classes with your husband after each session and during the week. You can talk about the other parents and their interactions, your opinions about the group leaders, and what they are teaching you, anything you find interesting.

If you enjoy the parenting class experience, next year or when the kids are at a different stage, take another class. You can try different organizations or stick with the same program. Parenting classes will give you plenty to talk about, and you will learn how to make decisions together.