I can't vent. | Imamother

amother

Salmon

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 8:41 pm

Wasn't sure which forum to put this in. Hope this works.
So I have a few toddlers/babies that are sometimes adorable and sometimes really hard and frustrating to parent. I'm usually a relaxed person (mess doesn't get to me, I usually keep cool when kids are 'testing me', I've been day camp head counselor in the past, I enjoy spending time with kids etc...). My husband gets frustrated much more easily. He is used to kids having to listen to authority and if they don't listen the parent has to put them in their place. He gets stressed out (to the point that he is angry) if the kids don't let him sleep, while I'm like "ok, I got 5 hours of sleep, I'm tired but I'll be ok."

Get the picture?

So I don't know exactly why, but I feel myself losing my patience with my kids much more easily as time is going on. (think months/years.) I blame it on being influenced my husbands reactions to the kids as I'm exposed to it on a day to day basis, although I may be wrong. (Maybe my kids are just starting to get to me?)

Now another problem is that I feel like I need to vent when the kids aren't behaving. I end up talking to my husband and he takes it 10 times worse than I took it. It makes everything worse because (for example) I tell him "DS threw all the toys off the shelves today in protest of something I had told him." My husband will get very upset at DS and get really angry at him, and now my husband is yelling/ threatening my DS and DS is crying.... Meanwhile, I had already dealt with the misbehavior and had DS do what I felt was appropriate. (Start cleaning up the mess and I helped with the rest. DS was crying a lot and I felt he had learned his lesson.) So I'm upset that everyone is riled up, and I just wanted to VENT! and the poor kids get double punished.

Now to my husbands defence, he gets expecially frustrated because he doesn't want the kids to 'bother me' and give me a hard time. But THAT'S WHAT KIDS DO RIGHT?!?

You are probably going to tell me to find another person to vent to, but not everything do I want to disclose to sisters/friends etc. When they really misbehave I find it embarrassing that they are acting like they are. I try to be a good parent, but I sometimes feel like I need more guidance from people who have btdt. These kids are challenging!!!!

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 8:52 pm

My dh was just like that. Maybe not AS severe but pretty close. He's a million times better now not sure why. I think I was calm and respectful but expressed concern over if "our" reaction is healthy for the kids...we talked and analyzed better strategies...over time it got better. Keep as calm as u can and make it both ur probs. Like id say " I get so frusterated w kids...I see they react badly to it...any ideas to avoid these triggers..."

flowerpower

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 9:51 pm

First of all, tell him you are venting to him about your day but you dealt with the behavior already and just want a listening ear. No need to discipline the kids anymore at this point.

Also, make sure not to vent to him every time he calls, texts, or walks in the door. He will just get annoyed at the constant venting( I am saying it from my own experience). I vent only after a real hard day or after We discussed other things. Maybe it is a good idea to sometimes discuss it with someone that has kids and understands what you are going through. A good listening ear goes a long way.

amother

Lemon

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 10:23 pm

babysmum wrote:

My DH was the same way until one day he vented to an older coworker of his and came home with a brainstorm! Kids will be kids and one day they will grow up! Wow!
Not giving advice just sharing my experience.
May e vent to him when the kids are sleeping that way he can't punish them again and you have more time to explain that you are just venting but are fine with the situation.

This lol. Dh will much sooner take parenting advice from a coworker than from me LOL

amother

Lilac

Mon, Jan 01 2018, 11:15 pm

My husband is very similar to yours. I discovered a few things.
1) I try to present it as im so proud of myself that I stayed calm and followed such and such technique when ds emptied the shelf. Makes it easier to commiserate.
2) similar but try to find the humor. "Ds emptied the whole seforim shelf because he was learning like Abba. Isnt that sweet? And annoying that I had to clean it up?"
3) find other people to vent even a percentage of your complaints.
4) try to save the venting until when the house is calm and kids are sleeping. Hes not going to wake up the kid to punish.
These really helped me.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:27 am

Similar situation with my dh. I've taken so many parenting courses and spend a lot of time thinking about how I should handle different situations, while his tendency is to react off the cuff.... BH over the last few years he's started discussing parenting questions with a friend who is an experienced parent and mechanech, which has really improved his parenting skills. Maybe you can encourage your DH to ask a friend/mentor how he thinks diff situations can be handled. It's easier for men to take advice from pple other than their wives!

Chayalle

Tue, Jan 02 2018, 10:56 am

That's because men are action-oriented. You just need to vent, but he thinks he needs to take action on those vents - he needs to get upset at the misbehaving kid, and act on your behalf, and tell the kid off, because he's a guy, and they are wired that way.

I've had discussions with DH where I've told him that there are times that I just need a listening ear, and that's the only ACTION I need - just listen, do nothing else. Sometimes I preface what I'm about to say with that.

Over the years, there has been definite growth in this department in our home - so with time, if you talk to your DH about it and work on it together, there is hope....