Bothered by Neighbors kimcha d'pischA

amother

Yellow

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:07 pm

amother wrote:

Better hard-earned basics that are truly yours, than luxuries donated by others and received in shame. Be glad that you can support yourself. On Yom Tov, look around at the bounty you yourself scraped together, and pity them that they aren't given parnassah through their own efforts.

I want to add this (taken from Halachipedia):

Taking Tzedaka

1. A person should endeavor to refrain from taking charity and endure some hardship in order not to take charity. Chazal state that it is preferable to make your Shabbat meal like a weekday rather than take from charity. (See the Kavod Shabbat page for the practical laws about how a poor person should fulfill Kavod Shabbat.) Anyone who presses himself to live with difficulty without taking charity is blessed to one day have enough money to support others. (emphasis added)
[Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 34:15-16]

2. Someone who can't live without Tzedaka--e.g. an elderly person, sick person, or someone suffering--but is haughty and doesn't take, sins by not taking
[Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 34:16].

3. A person who doesn't need to take charity and nonetheless deceives people and takes won't die before he genuinely becomes poor.
[Kitzur Shulchan Aruch 34:16]

thunderstorm

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:36 pm

amother wrote:

Op I struggle with this too. I work hard at living within my means, and that means shoes for 9.99 from Payless .... and no shabbos shoes for my 3 yr old... we are literally watching every dollar.

There are more of us living like this than it appears. I got my Payless shoes for Yom Tov. One of my son's got one pair from Target. Everyone else got nothing for Pesach. But I'm not checking out my neighbors boxes! As a matter of fact my DH and my sons actually pack and deliver these boxes to deliver to others . Some of these people live in mansions. Does that make me angry? No. Many of them lost all their money but don't want anyone to know.
I have never shopped for shoes for any of my kids in a Jewish store because spending $60 or more on one pair is not something we can even think of doing. Do I get angry when I see people shopping there and getting Tomchei Shabbos every Thursday night? No.
I will be working on Erev Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed and so will my DH, because we need to and need our jobs. Will I get upset when I see all these people staying home on such a hectic day? No.
Every woman in my office got a new sheitel for Yom Tov while I haven't gotten one in 10 years. Does that make me upset? No.
Oh! yes it's very hard and sometimes a huge struggle but why compare????
My life is not theirs. Their struggles are not my struggles. Their parnassah is not my parnassah. Their life is not my life. So I'll continue to enjoy and eat my chicken for eight days while they enjoy their meat. Some people only get to have a piece of meat once a year when they get their Pesach package. Let them enjoy it! Not everyone is mooching off the system. Most are not. The tzedaka organizations usually do background checks to make sure these people are indeed eligible. Let's learn to fargin. We don't have to know reasons why they are wearing venettini shoes in three different colors while our kid is wearing klutzy sneakers from Target. As someone who grew up in a home where we received and relied on tzedaka to live, I am grateful to be able to buy meagerly but with my own money now and not need to rely on when the chesed coupons will show up so I could buy a headband and shoes.

leah233

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:37 pm

amother wrote:

This has been bothering me for a long time. I know I should be thankful for what we have, count our blessing & we do. But I can't help it watching my neighbors get kimcha d'pischa packages every day this week & feeling angry, Her DH sits home all day doing nothing, while we work long long hours & live Month to month & buy the bare minimum for yom tov. While they're getting the best of everything without putting in work!

snip.

It is unlikely that he is happy with just sitting home and doing nothing all day. There must be something going in his life that prevents him from leaving the house or doing anything constructive. Therefore they are to be pitied.

Sitting home looking at same walls can drive a person crazy. Let the packages bring some variety and happiness into their lives.

amother

Forestgreen

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:52 pm

leah233 wrote:

not necessarily true. sometimes these kind of people get very accustomed taking and after awhile it's just part of their life.

it's very very hard for people like OP, (and myself) and I'm sure many others who work really hard, and cannot afford all the things these takers just take for granted.

BUT if they do borrow something from you, I would def be on top of them to return it back.

don't let these kind of people get away with this kind of behaviour. Remind them to return what they borrow from you if they 'forget'

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:54 pm

OP, you are being so very judgemental Sad

I have a friend whose husband is able to "act" in one way around everyone but then at home? Its a completely different story, complete depression.
So, unless you are that family and this man is your husband, please do not assume you know everything about them.
Stay out of their business and stay in yours.

(signed a wife of a man who has major depression as well and it can effect different people in different ways)
PS nobody sits home and does nothing for no reason at all.

amother

Coffee

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 4:59 pm

amother wrote:

Maybe she's posting about her chronically I'll, mildly depressed husband who doesn't lift a finger even when he can

That’s me. We get food stamps, but since they’re for the whole month, we have to be careful. Our Yom Tov will be tasteful, but not over the top. Maybe we’ll buy a mango or two to share. I’m not sure why you spend time eating yourself up with jealousy though. I’m sure your stress levels are sky high and you’re giving yourself heartburn. Tzedaka is a mitzvah and parnassa is apportioned by Heaven. I wish I could do better too, but I’m due in a few weeks and can’t walk, and my husband has his own priorities.

thunderstorm

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:02 pm

amother wrote:

They're so used to receiving packages & cupons every shabbos & yom tov, that at this point is doesn't pay for him to go work. She even hosts people!

My mother hosted people all the time. Just because they can't afford all the food doesn't mean they are not entitled to having guests. This was actually that brought her much joy. Being able to host others helped her get out of her loneliness and pain. I feel for you but I think you are being very judgmental and you would never want someone dissecting your life and your actions.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:05 pm

amother wrote:

They're so used to receiving packages & cupons every shabbos & yom tov, that at this point is doesn't pay for him to go work. She even hosts people!

Im the poster with the depressed husband and the friend whose husband has major depression as well.
OP, you are being awful here. Really. So what if they are used to getting packages? And no point in working? Im sorry, but packages with shabbos food etc is not what someone can live off of. There are so many other things that one needs to live.
Be upset that you dont get a package but stop judging this other family who, no offense, but to me, it is obvious, that the husband must have issues or else he wouldnt just stay home and live off shabbos packages. Its not doable.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:16 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Pesach costs a fortune just with two kids. Imagine the expense of just clothing and shoes for kids in the double digits. You are talking about thousands of dollars and the food probably costs in the thousands too. People don't choose to get tzedaka if they could afford it.
You have no idea what their daily expenses are. I'm sure they can not afford doing it without assistance.
OP if you need help with Pesach than you can reach out to one of these organizations for help and they will assist you as well. Having such negative feelings won't make it easier on you. I'm not sure why you are so angry , you have absolutely no idea what the true situation is.

She's resentful because the husband doesn't work and they receive tons of free stuff. If this is happening under your nose, it's upsetting.

giselle

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:16 pm

amother wrote:

PS nobody sits home and does nothing for no reason at all.

Yes they do. Perhaps not OP’s neighbor - maybe there is more to the story. But it exists. As another poster said, people get very defensive about this, but I’m not sure why. If you’re not living like she describes, what’s to get defensive about? (Not you per se, but those who do get defensive.)
Unfortunately there are those who don’t do much and live better than many of us who work hard.

It’s practically unaffordable to live a frum lifestyle and I have a very small family and I think we do pretty ok salary wise. But at least you have to try.

amother

Blue

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:19 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

We rarely host bec it’s a lot of money. Sorry but you can’t take tzedaka for that. I’d be quite annoyed if that’s where my tzedaka money is going.

amother

Violet

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:27 pm

OP ignore people who are telling you how awful you are. Although you never really know what goes on behind closed doors, some people rub their lives in your faces and you know enough! It must really hurt to see lazy people who could afford fancy clothes because their entire pesach was donated, probably partly by your tzedakka, whilst you do without.

I say this as a receiver of food packages myself, only, my husband and I work full time all year round, pay full tuition and barely have enough to scratch together to make YomTov. My parents signed us up last year when they realised how difficult it was for us to get by, and they have no spare change themselves to help out.

All I can say is BH for the chesed in our community. We do not receive mango, or expensive meat, or wine. No magazines or expensive shoe store discounts (imo expensive shoe stores are for those who can afford it. The rest of us buy cheaper clothes and shoes, and in my case, I read the ami 6 months late) and no fancy vegetables. Here's what we receive twice a year. Chicken, grape juice, oil, eggs and potatoes. For pesach we also receive apples and oranges.

For us this is a life saver. We manage to buy any additional foods ourselves, but we most certainly do not have enough for us or our children to have new clothes or shoes for Yomtov. I personally do not feel my kids need to have new dresses and shoes which costs more than a week's salary.

In the unlikely event we'd have any spare cash, we'd most probably treat our kids to a nice outing, or buy a family game. Kids need love. Not fancy foods or clothes. Our kids are BH the happiest I've ever met, yet I wouldn't dream of stepping inside some of those insanely priced boutiques we have dotted around the frum neighbourhoods.