Bothered by Neighbors kimcha d'pischA

giselle

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:31 pm

alis_al_kulana wrote:

So poor people can't do hachnasas orchim with what they have? This is the least Jewish thread I have read on this site

Where are you getting that from? People are saying it’s unfair to use charity money for guests. I think it’s wonderful if they use their own hard earned money for the mitzva of hachnasas orchim.

alis_al_kulana

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:42 pm

giselle wrote:

Where are you getting that from? People are saying it’s unfair to use charity money for guests. I think it’s wonderful if they use their own hard earned money for the mitzva of hachnasas orchim.

poor people who live in tzedaka. Still have the mitzvah of tzedaka. Hachnasas orchim is part of that.

That is the halacha.

thunderstorm

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:43 pm

amother wrote:

We rarely host bec it’s a lot of money. Sorry but you can’t take tzedaka for that. I’d be quite annoyed if that’s where my tzedaka money is going.

Again it's not all black and white. You are reacting just like the OP. My mother worked full time like a dog. She was a single mom and did as much as she could. She had no husband to share her burden. Reality was that she was paying tuition, paying for food , housing and therapy for the kids and it wasn't all possible to do by herself . She wanted to feel as normal as possible. Part of that was having a Shabbos meal with other people at her table. So you think that she wasn't deserving of getting two fresh challis, a bottle of grape juice and a chicken for Shabbos because she had guest??? Not everything is about the money! It's about feeling human!

giselle

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 5:49 pm

thunderstorm wrote:

Ok, that aside, OP is frustrated not because they receive challa, grape juice and chicken. Sounds like they are receiving luxuries that OP herself can’t even dream of buying.

WhatFor

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:10 pm

OP- It sounds very frustrating to work so hard and watch what appears to be someone else sitting back and taking so much more. It might be helpful for you to spend some time thinking about why you choose to live your life the way you do. What values compel you to work when you and dh could also be sitting at home doing nothing and taking tzedakah? What message do you think your children get when they see their perfectly capable parents work very hard to provide? Would you be willing to throw away those values and forfeit the chinuch for some mangoes every weekend? If not, affirm those values for yourself within yourself.

I say this because you won't feel better comparing yourself to your neighbor, even if it's to feel nebach for them. You feeling good will come from you taking pride in your own life choices.

Also, this post is not to diminish any individual who does have to rely on tzedakah. It's just to turn OP inward to look at her own value system and why she chose the life she lives.

33055

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:33 pm

I understand OP's frustration. When those receiving tzedukah and benefits live a life not attainable by regular people, it is frustrating.

I have neighbors who live off tzedukah and have constant new outfits and toys while their next door neighbors work very hard and the girls have one robe each for the whole season and get one present on chanukah.

The tzedukah receivers throw more lavish simcha than the non- receivers.

I chose not to support the excessive lifestyles because it sends a wrong message. It sends a message of entitlement.

amother

Jade

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:38 pm

I'm not bothered my people receiving packages, I'm not bothered by sid neighbor receiving packages. What bothers me is the neighbors entitlement & attitude to this help. She makes herself as the biggest nebach & expects everyone's help instead of helping herself. What bothers me is the standard these organizations are setting by giving out such luxery items that many middle class can't afford. Give out normal yom tov meals & coupons for normal priced items! They're getting these people used to high standards & we're the ones paying for it. People have to learn to live within their means!
I think the posters that say how awful I am are the ones receiving food stamps, Medicaid & programs. People receiving programs will never understand the ones that don't.

thunderstorm

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:41 pm

amother wrote:

I don't think you are awful. I think there is more to the story than meets the eye. And FYI I've never had any government programs.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:45 pm

amother wrote:

I think that she is pretty nebach if she and her husband are able bodied adults who decided to rely on tzedaka instead of doing honest work to earn a living. Don't you? I would definitely classify these people as mentally deficient based on this.

amother

Puce

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 7:52 pm

Both dh and I come from poor homes and have worked hard to reach a comfortable middle-class level. I cannot relate to your attitude at all, op. When I was doing my yom tov shopping I felt really good that I was not using coupons like many others in the checkout line. My sister is really struggling and I was gratified that they will have a beautiful yom tov thanks to kimche d'pische.

alis_al_kulana

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 8:04 pm

amother wrote:

I don't take any tzedaka and bh am on the giving side.

Maybe instead of being entitled, she doesn't want to show you her shame.

crust

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 8:20 pm

I understand from your post that your neighbor is very normal. Otherwise, you wouldn't get so unnerved from thier reckless behavior. You would brush them off as nutcases.

If so, if your neighbor is so normal that she can get you so enraged AND you are obviously close enough to her because you say that you know what's happening downstairs, why can't you have a straightforward discussion with her about this like two adults? She's talking about it anyhow. Maybe nobody taught her basics? Maybe she is clueless?

amother

Denim

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 9:21 pm

It used to bother me too. I was standing in line to pay for my boys French Toast Shabbas shirts. That's all I bought in a Jewish clothing store for this upcoming season. The woman in front of me had a stack of clothing piled higher than the register of matching girls and boys really gorgeous Shabbas clothing. (My kids are wearing Childrens Place and last year's sale items.) The total was $500-something. Then she hands the cashier a coupon and suddenly the total was $300-something. I'm thinking, if I'd get 150-200 off my order, I'd also shop like a rich woman.... I had a really hard time not being resentful of these holy learning people who get to shop like nobody's business while I have to scrimp and run all over town getting the cheapest things.

Then I read something and I had an epiphany. My issue here is that I don't fargin. I work hard while they have it "easier" and get the reward. Not farginning is a really not nice midda. I need to work on myself to fargin other people. It's no longer about coupons/working/kollel, etc. It's all about working on myself.

Besides which, I told myself, my DH is so busy working so hard that he barely has time to learn. In some way, by my sacrificing on luxury items for YT, I am earning s'char on their Torah learning.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 9:31 pm

amother wrote:

I love this I think I need to print this out for myself and keep rereading

flowerpower

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 9:41 pm

Honestly, I don't know what to say... the only people I know that get coupons from their kollel or whatever can really use it. Instead of getting my hand me downs they buy their kids one new inexpensive outfit for yom tov.

I don't know where you live but most places give out the basic foods like grape juice, potatoes, onions, apples, oranges, maybe chicken.....

Pesach is a really really expensive yom tov!!!!!!

Last edited by flowerpower on Wed, Mar 28 2018, 10:28 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Peach

Wed, Mar 28 2018, 9:46 pm

Op I can definitely relate to your feelings but deep down, this is all about accepting hashems plan. Even if these neighbors are choosing to live off tzedeka, well that has nothing to do with the fact that hashem gives you what He decided to. It is Hashem you need to turn to as to why you cant afford more.......

Furthermore, I dont think you would want to be in her shoes bc even if food and clothing are given as tzedaka ....even with food stamps...it is not easy to rely on tzedeka bc who pays for the other things like toilet paper, mikva, makeup, diapers, car repairs, tuition....even if tuition is lower theres a threat of being sent home if tuition is not paid and its harder to get into schools when a person cant pay what someone in your position can pay.

Some ppl I know rent a huge house being paid for by gov. But while I may feel envious, I know it is better to not have to rely on these handouts whether kimcha dpiska or.....

Again to validate your feelings, I want to empathize with you but really it all boils down to hashems plan for you. It is hard for me to undetstand why hashem wants me to work so hard and still struggle, but we cant understand.

Would you have these feelings about this neighbor if you won the lottery and didnt have to work hard to afford anything??