Where have all the stay at home moms gone? :(

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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thegiver

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:08 pm

Why does no one keep their kids home anymore? If more parents did it, it would incentivize others to do the same. My 3yo ds could use friends but all are in playgroups!! Do you think arts and crafts and a morah’s love is greater than being there for your little ones? This is their formative years. Nothing can replace your love and attention.

I understand if you are working by choice because you dont have patience. Its not easy being constantly on call to a toddler. But you are irreplaceable. Your time, your smile, your affection—even if you are doing your chores together, it can still be bonding.

I hope I can persuade other moms who are ambivalent about keeping their kids home and if it is viable financially for you not to work or to work nights and weekends or start your own business on your time... do it for your kids sake!! It is not easy but your kids will thank you one day. And no alphabet enrichment or education replaces the value of play at the tender age of 3. Socialization opportunities would be very beneficial though.

On that note if you are a stay at home mom with children age 3 or older (and not anti vax—pls no offense meant to you—just want to protect my little baby) pls reach out to me via private message and let’s connect.

ectomorph

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:10 pm

Agreed. Kids are going to school younger and younger. Its a problem.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:13 pm

I started my little one in school at 2 and 10 months.
I wish I could have kept her home another year but it's too hard to entertain a toddler here in
NYC with the long winters.

amother

Burlywood

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:14 pm

I personally would have loved to keep my ds home with me but he was bored of me.
Some kids can spend longer periods of time with their mom all day every day and others get bored and need interaction and stimulation.

My son was bored. I felt bad working out. I felt bad cleaning. Yes I would make sure to take him out daily but it wasn't enough. From 9-3 he plays with a handful of other kids he naps he has arts and crafts.
He is only 1.5 years old but I knew he needed to go

He loves it

I'm going to take the playgroup things indiviaually with each child. I'm sure some would benefit being home with me for a longer period, and some need that independence.

When he comes home we spend way more time together. We read books and play and I'm done doing what I need without feeling guilty that he is bored.

And 100% our kids come first (after our husbands). I keep him home once a day, every week for extra quality time. I sometimes keep him home a 2nd day if I feel like I've missed him or he needs some mommy time.

I dont think you should judge because each child is different. We all have to be intune with out own children

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:16 pm

thegiver wrote:

I'm not trying to be a smart aleck here, but isn't this message counter to the Kollel lifestyle espoused by our communities?

amother

Aqua

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:16 pm

They went to work to pay their bills...

amother

Wheat

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:22 pm

Chocolae amother, not everyone lives a kollel lifestyle.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:24 pm

amother wrote:

Chocolae amother, not everyone lives a kollel lifestyle.

She's asking where the SAHM disappeared to. The kollel lifestyle contributed a large chunk to that disappearance.

ectomorph

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:27 pm

Also in ny preschool is free for low income which incentivizes getting kids out of the house

thunderstorm

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:28 pm

We all do the best we can. I've been a working mother and and a SAHM and the child I stayed home with is now my most difficult child as a teen. I think a mother needs to do what works for her and the household. If she will be at her wits end because of staying home with a three year old then she's better off going to work and having another wonderful woman being his Morah until 2:30 . I was actually advised by my Rav to go back out to work when I was home with this toddler. My Rav told me that not every woman is cut out to be a SAHM and it's important for this type of woman to go out to work for her sanity and her shalom bayis. We each do what works for us. And maybe it's getting harder and harder for many to be a SAHM for all different reasons.

amother

Rose

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:30 pm

Even the sahms that I know send out their 3 year olds at least half a day. That’s nursery age.

amother

Rose

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:31 pm

ectomorph wrote:

Also in ny preschool is free for low income which incentivizes getting kids out of the house

It’s just free pre-K right? Those are 4-5 year olds.

amother

Ivory

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:42 pm

My 3 year olds where very bored at home. At that age they need structure. Unless the 3 year old is the youngest, it's not doable to entertain them all day. For me it was impossible to entertain a bored toddler while caring for a babies that cried most of the time.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:43 pm

I do feel bad for toddlers who are placed on vans/buses. I take my toddler to/from school every day. If that weren't an option for me I would keep her home.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:44 pm

amother wrote:

She's asking where the SAHM disappeared to. The kollel lifestyle contributed a large chunk to that disappearance.

It sounds also like many sahm send kids out.
Why in the world drag kollel into this. Probably 1/2 or less of this board is part of that community.

amother

Chocolate

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:49 pm

amother wrote:

It sounds also like many sahm send kids out.
Why in the world drag kollel into this. Probably 1/2 or less of this board is part of that community.

Because it played a large part in it? A large part doesn't mean the only part. I'm sorry if that thought is an affront to you, but its the truth. Should the truth be hidden to make everyone feel better about it?

The kollel lifestyle is built upon the women bringing in the parnassah. That automatically translates to interfering with the SAHM concept. Can there be other factors - , of course! But should we simply ignore a large contributing factor and pretend it doesn't exist?

amother

Gray

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:51 pm

My mother was a sahm and all our physical needs were met, but not our emotional needs. To me it’s less about quantity and more about quality. Not to say they’re mutually exclusive.

amother

Wheat

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 8:53 pm

It's not only the working mothers who send out their toddlers.
It has become the norm to send children to school before or as soon as they turn two.
One of the contributing factors to this in my community is the availability of vouchers, in my opinion.

amother

Bisque

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:01 pm

amother wrote:

My DH was never in kollel but we both work full time to pay bills.
My nieces who are in kollel don’t send their kids out because they work so few hours and get tons of benefits and support. Or they have a playgroup and their kids stay with them for a few years.
I have nothing against their lifestyle I’m just saying kollel doesn’t necessarily mean kids go out more or at all.
Many mothers outside the kollel world have full time jobs like dr, accountant, lawyer that take them out of the house way more then a morning teacher or speech therapist or babysitter or playgroup morah.

Where else but Lakewood do 4 year olds only have groups from 9:30-2:00. It’s because a parent is with them the rest of the day.

amother

Emerald

Tue, Nov 20 2018, 9:07 pm

I’m a stay at home mom with a 2 yr old and baby but I do send them out when they’re 3. I am the only one on my block in Lakewood. Everyone else is living the kollel lifestyle and the women are working. The only reason I don’t work is for my children. If a woman can do it it’s definitely very beneficial for a child to be home with their mother for the 1st few years of their life.

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