Dd-14, got her first period and didn’t tell me.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 3:55 pm

I was very embarrassed to tell my mother when I got my period, but I woke up in the middle of the night feeling guilty that I hadn't told her, so I woke her up and pretended it had just happened at that moment. She asked me if I knew what to do and I told her I did, and that was that. I am not close with my mother, but I felt relieved knowing I had told her.

FWIW, my mother didn't prepare me either. She also never bought me bras or told me to use deodorant. My older sister took care of most of that.

amother

Puce

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 4:28 pm

I would think she is either very private, wants to feel adult or doesnt feel comfortable to come to you.

Since were discussing this, I got mine and didnt know about periods much except that girls in school mentioned it so I had a vague idea. I used wads of t.p. for 10 days and then was forced to tell my mother who I wasn't close to because I thought I was dying.

She also never told me about breasts, so I wrapped those tight with a bandage until I thought I was going to die so I told her it might be a tumor (one came in before the other). She didnt get deoderant but I saw everyone at camp using it so I bought myself some.

I was embarrassed about leg hair for years and in 9th grade everyone shaved, but she told me not to because it would get thicker. So I "borrowed" razors from a friends bathroom vanity. Shaved dry, walked around covered in bandaids for a few days, got up the guts to ask a friend who taught me what her mother showed her.

I made sure to do my mothers job for my younger sister so she wouldnt be as traumatized. I dont think she realizes until today what I saved her from. I hope this behavior from mothers to daughters is obsolete and a thing of history.

amother

Coral

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 4:44 pm

I didn't tell my mother until I needed more pads. She had given me a supply of about 5 for camp one summer and I ran through it pretty quickly. I don't think she felt the need to know in terms if me reaching a milestone because I got it fairly old and she never questioned me. She also never brought up the fact that I only asked for pads like twice a year because that's how often I got period. I probably should have seen doc about that but it never came up. I had no way of getting pads myself and hated hat every time I asked my mom for more request got passed on to my father. Was super embarrassing.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 4:45 pm

My mother prepared me for my period, but I'm a private person and not close with her. So I didn't tell her when I got it, just used the supplies that she kept in the bathroom. I felt guilty so eventually (several months later probably) I told her I got it and pretended it was my first time.

Ravenclaw

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 5:13 pm

This is super weird. I thought it is a given that you tell your mom the first time! My mother explained to me when I turned nine that I will get it one day, and when I do I should tell her and she will explain it in depth then. She told me what to do if I get it at school. When I got it, I went to her and she told me how long it usually lasted, how to relieve cramps, how to use pads, hilchos shabbos, biology, how I shouldn’t be upset cuz this is a sign that I can have children... etc.
I can’t imagine just skipping that. But I see so many people posted that they did...

amother

Khaki

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 5:21 pm

amother wrote:

What’s there to say about breasts. My mother never told me either. I didn’t tell my daughters either.

It’s not a well kept secret like a period is.

amother

Puce

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 5:38 pm

amother wrote:

What’s there to say about breasts. My mother never told me either. I didn’t tell my daughters either.

It’s not a well kept secret like a period is.

I expected they would show up by the time I was an adult. Not when I was still "a kid". I was in 4th grade. It did not follow my childhood logic.

amother

White

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 5:55 pm

Why would I tell my mother when she never bothered telling me about periods? I never ever told her. I was angry that due to her discomfort/awkwardness she wouldn't tell me. And that as a mother, you NEED to talk to your daughter about that.

I got pads from my sister and if I needed more asked my sister to ask my mother.

I wore 2 undershirts for years because my mother never bought me a bra and I was too embarrassed to ask. The entire middle school. Girls would snap each others bra straps from behind their back and I was always petrified that I'd be outed for not wearing a bra (I was fully developed). I am still angry that I had to go to my mother full of shame and embarrassment begging her to buy me a bra. Her awkward response of her not thinking I needed one made me feel so insecure about my body.

No mother DESERVES to know when her daughter gets her period.

thunderstorm

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 6:32 pm

My mother DID tell me about periods, explained the biology and showed me how to use pads when I was 11. So when I got it 14 I just knew what to do. It was something I didn't share, just like I didn't share every time I went to the bathroom. I guess I'm more private in that regard. I'm not a believer in "celebrating" getting it the first time. I knew my mother saw my pads in the garbage and never bothered actually talking about it after her original talk years before. My parents were divorced and I remember hiding my used pads in my fathers house because I was mortified for him to find it in his garbage can. That was an extremely uncomfortable experience.
My sister is literally the opposite of me. She made a big deal about it with her girls. They share every little detail and about every stain and cramp ( I'm even privy to details, which IMO is TMI) and she gave her ex a heads up when her daughter got hers so that he knew and that he was extra sensitive towards her needs since she would feel uncomfortable when she was visiting him. He wished her Mazal Tov and she wanted to bury herself. I'm wondering if others were also uncomfortable with their fathers knowing about it.

amother

Denim

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 6:51 pm

I innocently clicked on this thread, not realising how validating it would be for me.
My mother bought me the book 'the wonder of becoming you' and that was it. We didn't talk about it. She might have said 'do you have any questions?' But I was too shy to actually say anything.

I did not cope well with getting my period. I wanted her to know and talk to me, but we didn't have that type of relationship that I felt comfortable to say anything.

I was mortified and anxious every time I had to ask her for more pads.
For most of the first year I had it I stayed home from school for at least one day of my period, but she never made the connection that it was once a month. I have heavy periods and just got too anxious about dealing with it at school. But she never brought it up.

She's in the medical field and other girls would often come tell me that they were going to talk to her because they didn't feel comfortable talking to a male dr abt female things...
It killed me.
She wouldn't talk to me.

But after reading this thread, I thinking maybe because I never came to her, she thought I was ok and didn't want to talk to her.

- but OP, I still think you should talk to your dd, however awkward it might be. At least open the conversation with her, so she can talk to you when she needs.

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 6:58 pm

This is so weird for me since I had a completely different experience. When I got my period for the first time, it took me a couple of hours to figure out what it was but then I instantly told my mother (I was eleven). And I think all the way till I got married, the whole family knew every time I got my period. It was like, "Oooh, she's in a mood! Ya know why!"

Ravenclaw

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 8:02 pm

I see that most people who didn’t tell their mother and were ok already had “the talk”, and those that didn’t get educated seem upset. So OP, did you already teach your daughter all she needs to know? Or did she just “manage” on her own? I guess that is the guideline of if it’s normal or not.
I would still talk to her though.
Funnily enough, after the first three months my mother had to gently break it to me that I don’t need to tell her every month. I was reminded of that when I had to tell my three year old the same thing once she was fully trained TMI

amother

Jetblack

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 8:41 pm

amother wrote:

Why am I getting hugged? Confused

amother

Amber

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 9:25 pm

My dd never told me. Presumably it eventually happened. She's a smart girl, reads a lot, got A's in biology, and her school gave girls "the talk" at some point, so I assume she knew what was happening when it happened. Not all girls are comfortable discussing intimate bodily functions with their moms, just as not all women want their mom with them when they give birth or when they go to the mikvah for the first time. Diff'rent strokes for diff'rent folks.

OP, your dd isn't rejecting you as a mom.Lots of girls are more comfortable talking to their friends, ignorant and misinformed though they may or may not be.

amother

Gray

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 9:44 pm

Ravenclaw wrote:

Op here

Thank you Ravenclaw, finally someone who understands. I’m with you- I can’t imagine/understand skipping to tell a mother. I did exactly what your mother did. I had a talk with her when she was almost 12 to prepare her for it and yet she didn’t share it with me. I am this type of mom who shares and shmoozes a lot with my kids.
Yes, she is pretty much reserved and I guess that’s the reason for it.
To the poster who said that maybe she lied to her friend- I actually thought about it already because is it possible she should hide it so well? No dirty pj’s, underwear or linen? No pads and/or wrappers in the garbage? No cramps? Was she able to hide the cramps?

My plan is that I will ask her in a few weeks about it. I guess I’ll see her reply.
I’m not worried at all that she’s rejecting me as a mom, that was not my concern at all. My concern was rather- that I’m feeling bad for her, especially if she was having cramping and just hid it.

lora

Mon, Dec 17 2018, 10:06 pm

I didnt tell my mother even if she asked me to tell her. I probably lied to when she asked me after I already had gotten it 1-2 times. the third time I told her, because I was in pain and thought something is wrong with me. I think its ok for a teenager to be uncomfortable. what I plan on doing with my daughter imyh is instead of giving a very serious speech where both parties are blushing and shaking I want to bring it up once or twice in a calm time when you dont have to have 100% eye contact, like on a walk or something, hopefuly that will take away the boldness of the topic and in the long run make it a "ok" conversation to have.