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imasoftov




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 10:56 am
amother wrote:
omg - this happened to my mother recently. It was a pretty standard sized meal, expecting 16-18 people including a guy and 3 friends. He brought FOURTEEN friends!!! So the meal of 18 became a meal of 30+, we had to go running for another table, make more food, and try to make them all feel welcome because it wasn't their fault. They didn't know they weren't invited.

Some day we're going to read a post from this guy's eventual wife and will be a shame we won't know it's him.
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amother




Apricot


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 11:16 am
DH was close to his cousins, so early in our marriage, I made a real effort. We invited one cousin and her husband for dinner on a Sunday (not Shabbat); not sure where her kids were. I went all out, cooking and cleaning and trying to create a nice meal.

She showed up with her own food, explaining that she was on a diet. Now, had she told me, I would have accommodated her. Or invited her for something other than a meal. Or anything. But she just showed up with containers of food for only herself.

She's never been invited again.
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InnerMe




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 11:33 am
Squishy wrote:
We also have wonderful guests who bring jolly to our Shabbos. When you invite friends, you know what to expect. It is when you open up your home to strangers, you don't know what to expect.

It is neighbor's sleep over guests that gave me the most problems. I had one women answer the bedroom door nude. She was only wearing a turban. DD needed a pair of tights in the room. This woman's husband was texting on Shabbos and didn't turn of the sound notifications. I had another guest show me sexts he was getting on Shabbos from another woman. It took me a moment to process what was going on. Another set of guests ate ALL the food I had prepared for the first days of Pesach day meals. I mean ALL the food. They even got into my chol hamoed food. And we are leaving after motzi yontiff for a road trip. We were told these were sleep over guests and didn't prepare food for them beyond snacks. They didn't like the food at their hosts' house where they were supposed to eat.

We have friends we met through hosting. We enjoy their company


Sounds like you really have an open house.. how do these guests find you?
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amother




Cerise


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 12:12 pm
amother wrote:
DH was close to his cousins, so early in our marriage, I made a real effort. We invited one cousin and her husband for dinner on a Sunday (not Shabbat); not sure where her kids were. I went all out, cooking and cleaning and trying to create a nice meal.

She showed up with her own food, explaining that she was on a diet. Now, had she told me, I would have accommodated her. Or invited her for something other than a meal. Or anything. But she just showed up with containers of food for only herself.

She's never been invited again.


Actually I think it's perfectly fine if someone tells me that she has food issues and wants to bring her own. I'm inviting you to spend time with you.
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Squishy




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 12:13 pm
InnerMe wrote:
Sounds like you really have an open house.. how do these guests find you?


DH is exceptionally well liked, and he brings friends home. He can show up with a bunch of men from shul any given Shabbos day. Occasionally, when I become friends with a lady, I will find out her husband already knew and dovened with DH. Then it is easy to have their family over.

I meet families at shul and in the neighborhood. Then you meet friends and relatives of their friends. I even hosted ladies I met from this site.

My troubling guests almost all come from housing strangers for others. I told the family that sent me the pregnant woman that answered the door naked that I will only house their relatives. They asked me if I could house their daughter with her 6 or 8 kids for Pesach. I forget which. I cleaned out unused space and set up the space for them. This included a table, a fridge, cots, etc... They sent a lone guy in her place, and this guy was rummaging through my storage on a different floor.

BH I am still good with that neighbor, but I don't house their guests anymore.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 12:16 pm
Some tzadikim here. I don't know how you accept!
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amother




Apricot


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 12:27 pm
amother wrote:
Actually I think it's perfectly fine if someone tells me that she has food issues and wants to bring her own. I'm inviting you to spend time with you.


She didn't tell me, she just showed up with her own food.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 12:27 pm
Somewhat selfish of me, but my pet peeve is guests that show up an hour before Shabbos and proceed to hog the bathroom (for showers, etc...)

I work full time, including Fridays, and I like that shower just before Shabbos. I have more than one shower in the house, but the main one that gets taken happens to be the one I like best. Plus then the girls are all in my room to put on their makeup....

Not the biggest deal, but I think if you are being a thoughtful guest, you can take care of your Shabbos prep in your own home.
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amother




Lime


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:05 pm
Chayalla, I ask my guests that if they will be arriving to close to shabbos, they should please shower and get ready at home. No biggie to ask.
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InnerMe




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:08 pm
Squishy wrote:
DH is exceptionally well liked, and he brings friends home. He can show up with a bunch of men from shul any given Shabbos day. Occasionally, when I become friends with a lady, I will find out her husband already knew and dovened with DH. Then it is easy to have their family over.

I meet families at shul and in the neighborhood. Then you meet friends and relatives of their friends. I even hosted ladies I met from this site.

My troubling guests almost all come from housing strangers for others. I told the family that sent me the pregnant woman that answered the door naked that I will only house their relatives. They asked me if I could house their daughter with her 6 or 8 kids for Pesach. I forget which. I cleaned out unused space and set up the space for them. This included a table, a fridge, cots, etc... They sent a lone guy in her place, and this guy was rummaging through my storage on a different floor.

BH I am still good with that neighbor, but I don't house their guests anymore.


Wow, that's a whole lot of guest to be hosting!
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:20 pm
amother wrote:
Chayalla, I ask my guests that if they will be arriving to close to shabbos, they should please shower and get ready at home. No biggie to ask.


In my old house, I had a separate guest area with it's own bath/shower so I didn't care. Funny thing is, I used to live near a Simcha hall....I moved and now I live right near two Simcha halls.

I'm happy to host sleepover guests but now I don't have a private bath for my guest room. So if someone comes and needs showers, it sort of cramps my family during pre-Shabbos crunch time.

Not sure if it would be socially acceptable to say - please ask your guests to shower beforehand....

Most people do, but here and there they don't.
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amother




Lime


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:22 pm
Why isn't it socially acceptable to ask guests to prepare for shabbos at home if they will be arriving right before shabbos? I have been asked and never thought anything of it.
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Chayalle




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 1:27 pm
amother wrote:
Why isn't it socially acceptable to ask guests to prepare for shabbos at home if they will be arriving right before shabbos? I have been asked and never thought anything of it.


I dunno. I just never did that. I always assumed people would know that themselves, till I came across guests who didn't.
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Aylat




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 3:55 pm
ChutzPAh wrote:
Guests who ask if a particular food item is homemade or store bought. Inappropriate.


Doesn't bother me at all.
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Ruchel




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 4:22 pm
Unless you sleep here and arrive early you're not showering, barring an emergency.
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Squishy




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:08 pm
Chayalle wrote:
Somewhat selfish of me, but my pet peeve is guests that show up an hour before Shabbos and proceed to hog the bathroom (for showers, etc...)

I work full time, including Fridays, and I like that shower just before Shabbos. I have more than one shower in the house, but the main one that gets taken happens to be the one I like best. Plus then the girls are all in my room to put on their makeup....

Not the biggest deal, but I think if you are being a thoughtful guest, you can take care of your Shabbos prep in your own home.


It's not selfish of you. It is selfish of them.
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rainbow dash




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:17 pm
Frumwithallergies wrote:
This! This and again this!

My biggest problem that THIS person is one of my s-I-l. I can't not invite her. She serves her dear children BEFORE we even sit down for kiddush! And serves them a lot, regardless of how many other guests I have. She lets her children finish all the smoked salmon and dips even though I have another s-I-l with 6 teenage /older kids, my family, and other couples in attendance! When I have separate salatim and lox on the adult table, she takes from there to feed her dc, and those dc eat like birds.

I'm gearing up towards inviting them soon for another meal. I know it embarrasses my b-I-l but can't do anything about it. Sorry for the rant and the vent. I've been married over 10 years, so I have IYH many more years to learn how to control my yetzer harah regarding this s-I-l. Banging head


Have you tried to talk with her about it?
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rainbow dash




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:19 pm
Squishy wrote:
These are not my rules. I didn't one day wake up and decide women don't sing in public, nor do men not make brouchas in front of women with uncovered legs. Someone more educated than me can tell you the origins of this. I can tell you that at every single table on my block and in my circles, women are not singing with men, nor are their legs uncovered at the table. This isn't the slightest bit controversial where I live.

You would be welcome at my table, but kindly respect our way of doing things. This is how DH wants things, and this is how others expect things. I love guests, but I love shalom more.

My only rule is I hate complainers. I invite you into my home, in return don't critique, and you will have a continued open invatation.


This, I get criticized all the time from family members that come to eat by me, bh it has been less recently but I do tell them off as soon as they do it.
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ectomorph




 
 
 


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:30 pm
rainbow dash wrote:
This, I get criticized all the time from family members that come to eat by me, bh it has been less recently but I do tell them off as soon as they do it.

I had a family member not only complain but talk about it every time she saw me for the next few years

I finally told her she had to stop talking about it

She was upset that I didn't serve a meat course (mind you she invited herself over in my first trimester knowing I wasn't well)
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amother




Coral


Post  Mon, Jan 14 2019, 6:31 pm
Squishy wrote:

My only rule is I hate complainers. I invite you into my home, in return don't critique, and you will have a continued open invatation.


And apparently cover your legs before you come to my house.
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