S/O Pet peeves guests do

amother

Coral

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:01 pm

amother wrote:

Oh no, I had no idea it was rude to ask if something was homemade or store bought! Honestly, I ask when something is especially delicious or is beautiful because I can’t imagine making something so professional myself. I definitely won’t ask in the future.

Just say - Oh wow I wish I could cook like this - this amazing. and let the hostess do with that as she will.

Rappel

Mon, Jan 14 2019, 7:18 pm

My biggest pet peeve:

Don't criticize my children. You think babies are gross? Bully for you. Keep it to yourself.

I also have trouble inviting people back whom won't help out, even after I've asked them. It's not a deal breaker for me, but it means I'm run off my feet, and there are very few weeks when I'm free to exhaust myself for a Shabbat guest.

amother

Crimson

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 5:46 am

First of all, wow. The stories on this thread make me doubly appreciate the nice, considerate guests we have when we host!

I don't like it when guests let their children act like spoiled brats in my house and expect me to think it's cute and give them what they are asking for (more like demanding RIGHT NOW).

One of our relatives used to come over quite often with their family. The adults and older kids get along very well. The problem is that their younger children are very spoiled: if a kid wants something he/she starts whining to their parents that they WANT it NOW. The parents, who think that everything their children do is adorable, give us this 'isn't he/she cute' look and ask us if we could give the child what they want - a toy that is being played with, a sweet that is not meant for now, whatever it is. If I explain that the sweet is for dessert after the meal, or that I don't have enough of something for everybody, or the toy belongs to a child who wants to play with it a bit longer the kids will kick up a tantrum and the whole visit will be tarnished. The kids won't speak to us ever ("they're so shy with people they don't know well, isn't that cute?") but cling to their parents and wail louder. We tolerated this for a long time as family ties are important, but when our kids started begging us NOT to have these relatives over we stopped. I've noticed that the pattern repeats itself with all their younger kids. It's chaval, to be sure, as it affects our relationship with their parents obviously, but I don't feel that having them over with the negative feelings that come from that is a better solution.

33055

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 6:29 am

abound wrote:

so not the point........Her husband likes it that way, she tells her guest in advance and it is only correct to follow her house rules.
If the rule in my house is only slippers in the house, then don't walk in with your shoes across the dining room floor.....even if you don't get it.
If the rule in my house is that everyone washes their hands with soap the second they walk in........do it or don't come.
If I Have no rules then come and enjoy the freedom!

Thank you so much for explaining this better than I could.

Since no ladies in this neighborhood or in my circles are coming to a shabbos table with bare legs or singing with men, it rarely has to be said.

amother

White

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 2:25 pm

Israeli_C wrote:

I've posted extensively about my vegan, non-vaxx guests who changed diapers on my sofa after pleading with them not to and hosed their kid's poo off in my shower, so I won't go down that road again....

I live in a community mainly comprised of Dati Leumi and we're chabadnikim. I've had a fair few insulting comments. From a woman who told me at the table that her husband would never allow her wear 'that thing' (my sheitel) because it's so immodest to an older gentleman who referred to the Rebbe as "that hairy guy over there" (pointing at a picture). Last week we had my husband's chevruta over (he works with an organization which matches students who get scholarships to invest in their yiddishkeit with people who already made tshuva a few years ago). And the student gave my husband a lecture on how chabad aren't zionist and think the Rebbe is the moshiach and that they're all nuts. It was awkward. He was the only guest at the table with the children and continued arguing so long that I fell asleep on the couch beside the table with my kids.

I can’t believe you are hosting guests already! I hope you are coping ok.

MiriFr

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 2:54 pm

This reminds me of a horror story that happened a few months ago.
We stayed by my in laws for a couple weeks while waiting for our house renovations to be finished. My in laws went to monsey for one shabbos, but they let guests stay in their basement for an aufrauf or shabbos sheva b. 2 couples with a bunch of kids. And my husband and me.
IT WAS AWFUL. They ALLLLL set up camp in the kitchen at all hours of the day and made a huge mess and EXPECTED ME TO CLEAN. they left soggy cereal out, half finished yogurts (stolen from my in laws' pantry and fridge), socks ALL OVER THE LIVING ROOM, clothes and jackets everywhere.... it was insane. They brought a live-in with them who USED THE MICROWAVE without asking, which totally traifed it up. Their kids were screaming non stop, up crazy early in the morning.
After they left on motza"sh, they (shocker) left a million things behind. I threw everything out.

melbee

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 3:38 pm

My biggest pet peeves (we host a lot) are
1. Don't insult other people's minhagim or ways of life at my table, regardless of whether it's our way or not. I've had people insult "black-hatters" while DH is wearing a black hat and didn't appreciate it but honestly I don't want anyone bashing any type of people at my table. It really bothers me.

2. Don't come into my house and then tell me we're doing something wrong. We had guests on Sukkos that the first thing they did was check our schach/tree coverage to make sure it's kosher. They then insisted on reorganizing where I had sat everyone because the husband decided that corner was the only way to guarantee it was kosher (DH had measured it all out and designed that whole sukkah himself, it was pretty offensive to him). Also, DH makes kiddush after handing out the cups to everyone (he holds that the bracha covers all uncovered juice/wine) and we have had people actually take his kiddush cup to pour some of his into their cups after the bracha. Honestly, just make your own kiddush if you are so makpid on that. You're more than welcome to do it your way.

3. As others have said, watch your children. Just recently I had set out plastic cups for all kids and glasses for adults. A 10-year old grabbed his father's glass and started swinging it around like a microphone and then left it hanging off a corner just waiting to fall. So I took it away. The father just watched. On a related note, I try very hard not to judge other peoples' parenting styles and keep my mouth shut, and I expect my guests to give me the same courtesy.

rainbow dash

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 6:39 pm

ectomorph wrote:

I had a family member not only complain but talk about it every time she saw me for the next few years

I finally told her she had to stop talking about it

She was upset that I didn't serve a meat course (mind you she invited herself over in my first trimester knowing I wasn't well)

we must have the same family member, my ils will complain about the same thing over and over again for years. I finally had enough and I blew up at one of them. I felt terrible afterwards cause I have never risen my voice to her before but it seemed to me that she was only picking on me even though her kids do the same.

ectomorph

Tue, Jan 15 2019, 6:45 pm

rainbow dash wrote:

I guess I'm not the only one!!

essie14

Wed, Jan 16 2019, 1:00 am

melbee wrote:

My biggest pet peeves (we host a lot) are

2. Don't come into my house and then tell me we're doing something wrong. We had guests on Sukkos that the first thing they did was check our schach/tree coverage to make sure it's kosher. They then insisted on reorganizing where I had sat everyone because the husband decided that corner was the only way to guarantee it was kosher (DH had measured it all out and designed that whole sukkah himself, it was pretty offensive to him). Also, DH makes kiddush after handing out the cups to everyone (he holds that the bracha covers all uncovered juice/wine) and we have had people actually take his kiddush cup to pour some of his into their cups after the bracha. Honestly, just make your own kiddush if you are so makpid on that. You're more than welcome to do it your way.

The sukkah thing is un-freakin-believable. Stay home if you’re so makpid!! Unreal.
Where do these people come up with the logic to be so rude?

DrMom

Wed, Jan 16 2019, 2:13 am

I had a family come to my house and their kids started tearing my house apart. Literally the minute they set foot in the door, they began throwing sforim off the shelf and onto the floor, they ran into our bedroom and started opening closets, rifling through drawers.

Their parents made some ineffectual token gestures to reign them in, but I had to keep running around the house and popping up in the middle of lunch to prevent them from destroying my home.

abound

Wed, Jan 16 2019, 3:05 am

melbee wrote:

2. Don't come into my house and then tell me we're doing something wrong. W....Also, DH makes kiddush after handing out the cups to everyone (he holds that the bracha covers all uncovered juice/wine) and we have had people actually take his kiddush cup to pour some of his into their cups after the bracha. Honestly, just make your own kiddush if you are so makpid on that. You're more than welcome to do it your way.

This I don't get, It is such a minor thing, I am happy that guest are comfortable with their minhagim in my house. You want to make your own bracha on the challa, be my guest! YOu are makpid on sitting by kiddush and we stand, NP! You eat fish by the day meal, and we don't, If I have an extra piece in the fridge, I will gladly serve you!
Pouring wine into a kiddush cup comes at no expense or hardship to you, so whats the big deal? There are so many minhagim in Klal Yisroel, respect them all!
The succa on the otherhand was insulting, if he felt he could not trust your husband he should not have accepted an invite to your house.

33055

Wed, Jan 16 2019, 7:51 am

abound wrote:

The sukkah guy should have been directed to the shul's sukkah down the street. He could have critiqued all he wanted-down there. I am sure the Rabbi would love a detailed analysis of what he did wrong.

My silent patience with guests ends when they start criticizing others in my family.