First daughter is a kallah bh, younger sisters are resentful

FranticFrummie

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 1:31 pm

You basically have to look at it as if you just brought home a new baby, and the toddlers are jealous.

Now add teenage hormones into the mix! Everything gets amplified.

I agree with all the above. Get the girls involved in the fun stuff, even if you have to hire a babysitter to look after younger siblings once and a while. Let the girls pick out some sparkly costume jewelry to wear for the events, buy them ice cream or pizza while you're out.

Have a little talk with the kallah about ways she can include her sisters, even if it's just asking their opinions about stuff. 12 and 14 year old girls can be very insightful.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 1:46 pm

Please note that their needs may be simple and cheap. My dd's major complaint about her sister's high school interview was that I wouldn't be home to talk to her about the test she had that day. So when I came home I took her out for ice cream, just us. A friend had a child upset because she planned to skip her parent teacher conferences because of wedding planning. It never occurred to her that this would matter, but it apparently told this child she was second best. After that, she planned around it.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 3:20 pm

Wow this thread resonates ! When one of my sisters got engaged she acted like a spoiled royal princess and expected me to be her willing servant. I was in high school. one time she wanted her chosson to come for a visit and the house was a mess but didn't want to clean up the house herself. And no she wasnt busy with other stuff she just felt she was above it. She informed me that I needed to clean up. I asked her why me? It's your chosson not mine. And she said "well that's what your for."

I still havnt forgiven her for that till this day.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 3:27 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

If money is tight then yes the kallah gets the fancy clothing first. Seriously, it's a once in a lifetime thing to get married. The sisters will get their turn. I dont understand your thinking at all. Obviously she needs to do her part to pitch it and be a member if the family but ur taking this too far. She gets the clothing and shopping money first. Not the sisters.

Why? Is this the first and last time she has the chance to buy clothes?! Are all stores closed after her wedding? My daughters have more than enough clothes, they didn't need any new ones. We got new ones because obviously one should look especially nice during Sheva brachos. But I will never treat my engaged children lie queens and Kings while my other ones have to stand by and watch their siblings get spoiled. In our family everyone gets what they need. Just because it's a once in a lifetime thing doesn't mean the world stops turning for everyone else. Why does she need more expensive clothing than her sisters? Obviously the wedding and wedding dress etc is something else but shabbos outfits and Sheva brachos outfits won't cost more than what her siblings get. If she wants to spend crazy amounts of money on clothes... She can get a job and pay for it herself.

amother

Papaya

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 3:36 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

Obviously there's a balance but if there is limited time and resources the kallah does come first. I fail to see why that is so controversial.

I have no idea what is going on in the OPs house, I'm responding to the idea that "why should the kalla get anything special if there isnt money for the sisters?"

I fail to understand your way of thinking.
What makes the kallah so special? Why does she come first? Why do your daughters have to wait their turn to be important?!
So what happens if one daughter never gets engaged..? Does she never get her tu n? Will she never be treated like her sisters?
What is that supposed to teach girls? You're worth more once chosen for marriage?

That's not how I want to raise my girls. My daughters (and sons!) are all special to me, all the time. They have different needs and different wants. We will always cover their needs and we will try to cover their wants... This includes ALL kids.
Obviously the wedding day itself revolves around the kallah and chosson but I think it shouldnt be more than the wedding and the Sheva brachos. It doesn't have to be 4-10 months while all the other ones are neglected. And you can see by some posters... Getting their turn a couple years later didn't heal their wounds.

causemommysaid

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 4:56 pm

I really find this thread shocking.

Kallahs dont get to sit around like queens while their sisters serve them. Where did I ever say that? Most young kallahs are working and in school. They aren't laying around all day.

I think it's pretty standard that a kallah needs to go shopping. She needs wedding stuff, household stuff, and yes some clothing for sheva brachos. Why is this considered spoiled? I dont get it. Who said the sisters cant get a new outfit? I'm saying the sheva brachos are for the chosson and kallah not for the sisters and therefore shopping for the kallah comes before shopping for a 12 year old.

amother

Aqua

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 5:02 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

If you read through some examples here- a ninth grader expected to babysit during finals. A young teenager expected to prepare for yt you see some ppl take it to the other extreme.

Bh was eleven when my sis got married, was expected to help as usual but not much extra, we didn’t take a family trip that summer like we usually do and things were hectic but overall was fine. It helped a lot that my mom and sister made sure to gush over my gown (took one appointment) and talk about my updo with me once in a while, made me feel involved and special.

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 5:15 pm

causemommysaid wrote:

What we're trying to say here is that generally kids don't act up or become resentful for no reason. We are responding to the OP's statement about how her 12 and 14 year old are aggressively acting up.

Its happens quite often that parents get lost in the fray, and don't realize the effect on the rest of the household. They become so focused on the kallah and making the wedding night to be just so, they don't realize to what degree they're marginalizing the other kids in the process.

causemommysaid

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 5:33 pm

amother wrote:

I hear. Those examples are extreme and wrong.

I'm bringing attention to the other extreme attitude that I find just as wrong on this thread. More than one person said their daughter shouldn't get anything special for being a kalla even something as simple as sheva brachos clothing.

amother

Burgundy

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 6:26 pm

amother wrote:

So who ended up doing the cleaning, burgundy? Inquiring minds want to know! LOL

OP, my first thought when I read your post was, is the kallah acting like a bridezilla, expecting everyone and everything to revolve around her? To cater to her every whim? Are you going along with this and expecting your other kids to do the same? Be honest.

my mother came home figured out what was happening and called the cleaning lady for an extra shift even though money was tight. we both felt guilty afterwards.

amother

Oak

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 6:34 pm

OMG. Out shopping for tnoyim and a whopping responses!

So here's the the thing. Kallah isn't a royal princess AT ALL. She is still in school, has the biggest share of workload in the house from laundry to bathing to cleaning. I have adequate amount of outside cleaning help so cleaning doesn't exactly fall on the girls. The previous chassunas were sons, so it basically revolved around gifts for the kallah and shopping for all of us for the simcha. It occurs to me that it is either upsetness of a sudden increase in babysitting duties which was usually covered by said kallah and now suddenly befell them, or a bit of jealousy that so much revolves around the kallah. I try my best to not make them feel left out, as in having their hair done professionally for the tnoyim and getting them new (cheap) jewelry, but after all, it's the kallah getting a new dress,new shoes, having everyone admire how great she looks, blah blah.

I so hope they will get accustomed to the new "sister kallah life" of a frenzy of shopping and getting things done, and I hope I will be able to squeeze some "girl time" in for them too. I just can't handle the stress of marrying off a daughter while her sisters are mulling me down.

amother

Denim

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 6:48 pm

amother wrote:

Why don't you sit down with the girls and have them spell out what's bothering them? Show them you're listening to their concerns and together brainstorm ideas how to resolve them during this hectic time.

I may be off base here, but it's precisely your last paragraph that creates resentment. "sister Kallah life". They're relegated to the side, while you become hyperfocused on the one Kallah. I'm stressing the word 'hyperfocus' because you still need to have focus on the kallah. But there's a big difference between hyperfocus and focus. Unless the wedding is literally 4-6 weeks out, there is time to give attention to all your kids. It may not be 50/50, but "I hope to squeeze in some girl time in for them too" ??? Maybe you can't do that 2 weeks before the wedding, or 2 days before the tnoyim, but there's plenty of days or weeks in between to have time for all of your kinderlach.

If you can't handle the stress of marrying off a daughter, then perhaps you need to step back and take a good look at how you're going about it. It's unfair to pass off that stress onto your kids. They're not mulling you down, they're asking for some needed parental consideration. Maybe you need to take stock of your shopping list and adjust it somewhat. Or maybe send the kallah alone to take care of some of the basics, etc...

amother

Oak

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 7:02 pm

amother wrote:

If I understand you correctly, we are both saying the same thing. The shidduch just happened, vort and tnoyim in immediate procession, it's Purim time, so naturally things are more hectic and stressful AND revolving around the kallah. Things need to be arranged spontaneously and it's a bit hard to focus on them as much now. Of course, bezh things should settle down once the tnoyim and yom tov passes, yet it still upsets me their extreme behavior. I was checking out here on imamother if this is at all typical, since all my sisters are younger than me and I haven't experienced this phenomenon. Well, I gather from the responses here, that it isn't so uncommon after all. Now it remains for me to learn a new trade, and to reevaluate and reconsider how things should get done once these first hectic weeks pass.

amother

Seashell

Sun, Mar 10 2019, 7:05 pm

while there should be effective communication it is a very busy time and usually a short engagement with lots to do - like a full time job albeit a joyous one -- anyone who has been zochah to marry off a daughter knows what I am talking about and really if you haven't few could imagine the workload involved all to be done in a very short amount of time and with sensitivity and diplomacy
I have to say that barring something really out of the ordinary like the extreme insensitive examples some people cited younger sisters are usually so excited their older sister is getting married
something does sound a bit off
if they just need some tlc can dh pick up the slack? a dear aunt? bubba?

while obviously they should not be ignored or unheard, I wouldn't solicit their input on things that are not up to them or really their business (they are 12 and 14?)
the kallah is the priority right now and that is a fact

it may also be time for acknowledging their feelings while helping them learn how to deal with jealousy

hopefully a good dmc can get to the bottom of whats going on and address it successfully
hugs and hatzlocha