How would you react?

SixOfWands

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:10 pm

amother wrote:

I would take away the ice cream and dump it. And tell him that from now on I'll keep his money and if he wants to buy something that I'm ok with, I'll give him money. And the next you treat the family to ice cream, THEN make him use his own money.

And you would expect your child to love and respect you after engaging in such nasty and frankly vindictive behavior.

He was excited about getting ice cream. He didn't hear "you may not have ice cream today," he heard "I'm not going to buy it for you today." So he bought his own.

OP could have stopped him when he got his money (he told her he was going to); she didn't.

OP could have stopped him before he went outside; she didn't.

OP could have stopped him as he ran to the truck; she didn't.

Its almost like she waited for him to do something that she didn't want him to do, then pounced. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe she somehow didn't see him. But even if I'm not right, it probably feels that way to him.

OP needs to explain to him that when she said no ice cream, she meant that he was not allowed to purchase it with his own money, either. Commiserate about the fact that she knows how much he wanted the ice cream. Then she should take away the ice cream, and give him his money back. Next time she buys everyone ice cream, he should be included.

At another time, when everyone is calm, they should all sit down and discuss house rules about using your own money, and when a child needs parental permission to do so. Its a pretty tough concept -- its my money, but I need permission to spend it? But Ima doesn't need to ask kids if its OK for her to buy a cup of coffee? But that should be when they're calm. The child isn't going to be after losing his ice cream, and the mom doesn't sound like she is, either.

trixx

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:21 pm

I'm not sure what I would do but I strongly disagree with all the "take away his money and hold it for him". His independent money (however he got it - chanukah, bday, allowance) is his to spend independently. The problem is that he didn't listen to mom.

Mom might have also given a reason, if there was a real one, instead of just "no I don't let today." maybe he would have listened to logic?

I believe in treating kids like people and showing them respect. It definitely doesn't hurt in the long run.

forever21

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:21 pm

I do understand why it seems like your son was chutzpadik and he very well could be .
HOWEVER, there may not have been any malicious intent on his part . You know your child best but could it be that he in his mind when you said you’re not getting it that he simply thought “ok then I’ll just use my own money “ not thinking he’s doing anything wrong ?? Just another viewpoint worth considering before you pounce .

amother

Ginger

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:26 pm

I think a lot of people are missing the point. This seems to be more about impulsivity than anything else. He heard, "we're not getting ice cream today" and he immediately went to problem solving- oh! Mommy isn't buying, but I have my own money! I can buy it myself. This is where his brain checked out and he stopped hearing anything, and just went through with his plan. This is extremely common with impulsive people.

A punitive approach would be ineffective because it doesn't address the underlying issue of being able to slow down thoughts, collaboratively negotiate and problem solve with Mommy, consider the feelings of his siblings, etc.

He needs skill building, not punishment

simba

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:31 pm

amother wrote:

Interesting approach. What does skill building look like for an impulsive person ?

oneofakind

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:31 pm

I have a feeling he is an impulsive determined child who just runs and does things and you don't even have a chance to stop him. Am I right? In that case, at a quiet moment, I would have a discussion about listening to Mommy and when she said no, it means -not even with your own money. Tell him if he will do this again, you or the bank will have to hold onto his money.

This might be the child you have to pick your battles with and then calmly maintain your decision while thinking two steps ahead of any manipulations he may come up with.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:32 pm

amother wrote:

Or he was just being defiant - because he wanted what he wanted. Hard to know from one example.

Snow White

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 7:54 pm

As a kid (I think I was around the same age as your son) I bought something that my mother didn’t aprove of and she took it away. I searched her room for it until I realized she threw it out. I was so hurt, confused,mad etc I couldn’t understand how my mother could throw out something that I paid for with my own money. I felt like she stole from me. It bothered me for so so long even years later I remembered how she stole from me.
I would not say to throw out his ice cream. He paid for it and now belongs to him. But of course it was chutzpah for him to buy it after you told him not to. I would put it in the freezer and let him have it tomorrow or buy it off of him. He has to learn when you say no, he can’t go against your words!

amother

Olive

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 8:07 pm

OP, your son sounds exactly like mine. I was nodding along to your entire post, right down to the ice cream truck and using his own money! The trouble is, he's so focused on running to catch the ice cream truck before it's too late that he totally shuts down any sense of reasoning. He's never actually made it out to the truck before I stopped him, but this very scene has played out in my house several times (followed by the inevitable tantrum afterwards).

For next time - we set very specific times that we buy from the ice cream truck, and nobody gets except for those times (or predetermined special treats). Think once a week, Rosh Chodesh, however often you decide. AND that includes paying with your own money. No more ice cream truck fights!

In your situation, I'd have taken away the ice cream and put it in the freezer for a different time, then found a way that he would have to earn it back. Maybe a certain number of times when he listens right away or something else apropos.

Surrendered

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 8:13 pm

A 10 year old is not a baby and you need to act towards him with respect, so he respects you.
I too think being harsh and taking away his ice cream or money is wrong, it won't do any good in the future. This won't teach him a positive lesson.
I would ignore his behavior on the moment (when I feel angry at him for his chutzpah), and have a meaningful conversation at a calm moment later. Then I would explain to him that what he did was direct chutzpah and very wrong. As well as add a consequence if something similar happens in the future.
(Think of a related consequence, and say)
If you do something against what mommy said, you will receive this consequence.

amother

White

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 10:16 pm

What I actually did:
He came home with his ice cream sandwich with a smile from ear to ear, so excited, I calmly told him, " I told you were not getting ice cream today, why did you go anyway? He said " I used my money so what does it matter"? I told him that now his sisters see that he didn't listen and plus they will be jealous of him.
So I told him to split it three ways and share, but he just kept saying "but it's my money". I had a hard day and the last thing Ineeded right then was a meltdown so I asked him to check if the ice cream truck is still there and if it is, to buy ice cream for his sisters too with money I gave him... afterward, there was change for the exact amount that he had paid for his Ice cream, so I told him that he should put it back in his drawer.
I told him that the money is not the issue, it's the fact that he didn't listen and that next time I won't tolerate it and I'll have to take it away.
He said ok and continued on his merry way.
I just finished shmoozing with him about his day and brought up the ice cream situation. I asked him why he ran to buy it if I said not to. He kept repeating, "but it's my money, but it's my money".
Thanks to some of your advice, I explained to him that money is not the issue and that I let to buy from the ice cream truck once in a while and we decided on rosh chodesh and then he said "so the one I bought today is for this rosh chodesh, since rosh chodesh is on shabbos and we can't buy then" and he also said this was the first time that he heard the ice cream truck since the summer so he was so excited for it. I told him that I will pay for the ice cream every rosh chodesh because I love him and enjoy buying things he likes.
BH he seemed to like the plan.

amother

Pink

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 10:18 pm

I’m horrified at all the harsh reactions here.
I would have explained my reasoning for why he shouldn’t have ice cream and depending on what the actual reason was I would save it for later (if it was right before supper) or let him eat it and have a discussion on how to choose what to spend money on (if it was about not wanting to spend money)
Or asked him to share one lick with each sister (if they would be jealous)
I would focus on the reason for saying no and the skills involved in problem solving a solution.

Alot of these responses seem to be coming from a knee jerk reaction of I said no for absolutely no good reason therefore you must obey me for no good reason. Horrible parenting, imo.

Eta: I just saw ops response now. I think you did ok except that it seems like your son didn’t know that ice cream would be a rosh chodesh treat so you really can’t fault him. I don’t think he did anything wrong. He thought he knew the reason why you said no and thought of a solution.

Seashell

Thu, Apr 04 2019, 10:59 pm

amother wrote:

Great job, and awesome mom!
It sounds like you got your son to understand what he did wrong and even come up with a consequence on his own -to skip next R”C treat. It sounds like your son is mature enough to understand, respect, and problem solve. And all with no tears or drama. In my opinion A1!