How would you react?

Iymnok

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 4:01 am

It’s worth explaining to all the kids that the point of the ice cream truck is to make people think that they have to get it NOW or it will be gone forever! We know that’s not the case. They sell the same stuff in the supermarket and we could buy a box for a lot less and have it whenever we want, not only when the truck happens to be in our street.
The concept of impulse buying should be taught early on.

Rappel

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 4:33 am

amother wrote:

What I actually did:
He came home with his ice cream sandwich with a smile from ear to ear, so excited, I calmly told him, " I told you were not getting ice cream today, why did you go anyway? He said " I used my money so what does it matter"? I told him that now his sisters see that he didn't listen and plus they will be jealous of him.
So I told him to split it three ways and share, but he just kept saying "but it's my money". I had a hard day and the last thing Ineeded right then was a meltdown so I asked him to check if the ice cream truck is still there and if it is, to buy ice cream for his sisters too with money I gave him... afterward, there was change for the exact amount that he had paid for his Ice cream, so I told him that he should put it back in his drawer.
I told him that the money is not the issue, it's the fact that he didn't listen and that next time I won't tolerate it and I'll have to take it away.
He said ok and continued on his merry way.
I just finished shmoozing with him about his day and brought up the ice cream situation. I asked him why he ran to buy it if I said not to. He kept repeating, "but it's my money, but it's my money".
Thanks to some of your advice, I explained to him that money is not the issue and that I let to buy from the ice cream truck once in a while and we decided on rosh chodesh and then he said "so the one I bought today is for this rosh chodesh, since rosh chodesh is on shabbos and we can't buy then" and he also said this was the first time that he heard the ice cream truck since the summer so he was so excited for it. I told him that I will pay for the ice cream every rosh chodesh because I love him and enjoy buying things he likes.
BH he seemed to like the plan.

Bless you. You sound like you have a wonderful, intelligent boy, and that you're a great mother to him and to all your kids.

I'm glad I'm not the daughter of the women who felt the need to punish the child for his initiative. There were some alarming responses there.

causemommysaid

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 8:52 am

I'm shocked at all the lenient responses here. I am a great mother and my kids would never do something like this but if they did, they know that they would be in trouble. There is no such thing in my house as deliberately ignoring a parent. There is plenty of selective hearing, whining, and ignoring going on in my house but active chutzpah like this? No.

Based on the responses here you would think that those of us who would take away the ice cream are beating them with a stick and locking them in the closet. Um no. Its a natural consequence that if you do something and your parent said no before you did it then there will be some form of punishment.

behappy2

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:06 am

I like the first part of how you handled it where you checked in with him to see why he did it. I would have focused more on why I said no and explained that he can't buy whatever he wants with his money. He needs to ask first. then I would check in with him to see if he understood me. Next I should have told him that ghee can either share or put it away for later. I would not have given him back his money. That feels too much like protecting him from feeling the consequences of his actions. Don't be scared to parent him. Children are born wild and untamed and they need a mother to set them straight with love and confidence.

amother

Hotpink

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:10 am

causemommysaid wrote:

ITA - if mom said no ice cream, there is NO Ice cream. Period. End of Story. Full Stop.

I wouldn't care if he used his own money, or if another child gave him his, or the ice cream guy gave it to him for free. If any of these would occur, he should at the very least show respect to his mother and ask for permission to eat it.

The issue is not the ice cream, nor the money, nor lack of impulse or any other excuse. A TEN YEAR OLD child, not a baby or a toddler, but a preteen, openly defied his mother and came home HAPPILY licking his ice cream in front of her face?! All the other excuses or issues can be tackled later on, but to not respond to his BLATANT chutzpah (regardless if it was intentional or not), is mind boggling to me. Disrespect for others, especially elders, is the root of so many troublesome behaviors, and that needs to be rooted out from a very young age. I'm pretty lenient with punishing kids, my kids get away with so much. But I never tolerated Chutzpah even from an older toddler, and even if a child has other issues. And B"H, my kids are extremely respectful to every single person, they know that its a line that can never be crossed.

And we wonder where all the disrespect of this young generation comes from? Some behaviors are inexcusable no matter what, and every child should know that Chutzpah if one of them. And no, I'm not from the older generation.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:14 am

I have a ten year old son who would do exactly this. I probably also would have at that age. How I would have reacted, I have no idea. It sounds like you did ok. But then other posters said they would take it away because he was so disrespectful by ignoring you. Really have no clue. There’s a reason that I will never win the parent of the year award. I honestly have no clue how to parent. Hopefully my love will be enough and they’ll turn out ok. 🤷‍♀️

causemommysaid

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:23 am

amother wrote:

Thank you.

Honestly I can count on one hand the number of times I punished my 9 year old. We have a very chill house and everyone does their thing. But one thing that doesnt happen is active defiance. Ignoring yes. whining yes. listening for one second and then going back to the bad behavior yes. pretending they didnt hear me yes. But if I said no candy or no soda, I wouldnt then see them eating candy or soda. More likely they would follow me around the house and convince me why candy is healthy. Very Happy

Id probably give in too. Im not scary or mean but I dont do chutzpah.

Perhaps my approach works with typical children and there are some kids with a processing disorder or ADHD or something that needs a different approach but for the average kid I don't think my expectations are too high at all.

urban gypsy

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:32 am

Wow this thread is so shocking and a little bit scary to me. I think of myself as a very strict and controlling mother but I was blown away by most of the responses here. I think the issue here is twofold: Why don't you want him to have ice cream? And why does your child have his own money?

For me, the reasons why I would forbid a food would be 1) financial 2) unhealthy 3) sharing with siblings. My son actually does the same thing your son did occasionally with soda pop and other foods I don't allow at home. Sometimes when we go out to a restaurant, he will insist on ordering soda pop. In those cases, I will allow it if he 1) pays for it himself 2) agrees not to ask again for one month 3) buys enough for his sisters. He does this happily and I feel like it builds his independent thinking and self confidence.

I can't fathom forbidding a food on principle, or to prove some kind of point. If you don't want your son buying stuff without permission, don't give him money, as simple as that. Why give him money in the first place? I just recently starting giving allowance where half goes into a bank account that I hold the access card to so I control it, and the rest they have to do whatever they want with it. My kids are all under 9 years old.

I understand that the real question is the defiance, not the ice cream, but I think it's extremely unhealthy to turn food of all things into something to fight about. Now let's say it was a nonkosher food, or an inappropriate magazine or something, then I would just calmly take it away and throw it in the garbage disposal. No need to get super dramatic or overthink it.

crust

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:43 am

Did it ever dawn on any of the posters saying take away the ice cream that this child is brave enoufh gutsy enough strong enough and ambitious enough to take it back?

Causemomnysaid are your kids type 1 or 9? I'm happy you never tasted a different pattern child but please understand that there are more colors in the rainbow.

OP some responses here vary from scary abusive to scary neglectful and some inexperience.

I say- sit down and decide on ONE or two behaviors which are unacceptable to you and be consistent about it. If you know it's one or two behaviors then it's not so overwhelming.

Lets say, If you decide that the ice cream truck is an issue I would explain it to him way before this ice cream truck arrives and I would be on high alert every time it arrives because this is the behavior that I will work on so I gotta be consistent

Personally I would not pick the ice cream truck for now. Too benign to fight over! If I'm dealing with a child that has me on my toes around the clock then I'd rather pay a few dollars out of pocket to avoid a scenario that can only happen every now and then.

I like to save my energy for things that are more important and that happen more often.

Believe me, getting somewhere with him is almost all about how smart you pick your fight with him.

Good luck!

amother

Vermilion

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:51 am

OP you sound very loving but I would have acted differently.
Also, I think that for most of the moms advocating consequences, this scenario would not have happened on the first place.

But assuming it did occur, like other posters said, I would have taken the ice cream away for another night when I do allow the ice cream (and at that time I I would buy for the other siblings. I possibly would give him his money back on that night as well.) I would tell the child, I love you so much and I know you are upset but (speech inserted here). I wish I didn't feel like I have to, but I need to take the ice cream away because I love you and my job as a mother is to love you and teach you anf guide you.

How is giving him the ice cream, paying for it, not having any consequences, not having to split his with his siblings, plus he gets a commitment for future monthly ice creams teaching him anything?

urban gypsy

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 9:53 am

crust wrote:

Did it ever dawn on any of the posters saying take away the ice cream that this child is brave enough gutsy enough strong enough and ambitious enough to take it back?

Causemomnysaid are your kids type 1 or 9? I'm happy you never tasted a different pattern child but please understand that there are more colors in the rainbow.

OP some responses here vary from scary abusive to scary neglectful and some inexperience.

Love the Enneagram reference! Honestly, some parents are like fascists. What is the purpose of forbidding things for no reason? I don't see how that will teach kids to obey your bidding. At all. Why would you want children who are little automatons? It's sad and creepy. What is inherently wrong about a child wanting ice cream? Children are whole entire independent humans, just like you, only smaller. Treat them the way you would want to be treated.

amother

Olive

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:01 am

urban gypsy wrote:

Nobody's forbidding ice cream entirely. Where do you get that from? We have a freezer full of ice cream and my kids have some nearly every day. The ice cream truck is different because a. it's expensive ($2.50 for Italian ices!), b. it's a special treat (at least in our house), and c. we don't need to get something just because it's there, it's fun, or all the neighbors are getting it. B"H we can afford it (financially and calorie-wise!) but it is far from an everyday purchase in my family. I like to teach my kids about responsible spending.

I'm with causemommysaid, as I commented on the previous page. Mom said no, so there's no ice cream, regardless of if it came from the ice cream truck, the neighbor, or our freezer. It doesn't matter why Mom said no. Chutzpah and outright defiance is not okay in any way, shape, or form. And I say that as a mother of a 10-year-old who sounds just like OP's son and who does have an ADHD diagnosis. (At first I was worried that people would think OP was me LOL

but my kids got their Rosh Chodesh ice cream from the truck earlier this week and put it in the freezer for Shabbos without any fuss!)

amother

Ruby

Fri, Apr 05 2019, 10:08 am

amother wrote:

Also, I think that for most of the moms advocating consequences, this scenario would not have happened on the first place.

This.

OP's first sentence was,

amother wrote:

My 10 year old is my most difficult child. Everyday he puts me in situations that leave me wondering if I will ever feel like a good parent.

Yes OP is very loving, but it's possible that if she were stricter in general, she wouldn't be facing these situations so often.

Which is the better approach? I'm not sure.