Humid heat + chassidish... HELP!

yerushamama

Mon, May 13 2019, 8:49 am

Israeli_C wrote:

Thing is, there's a strong yetzer hara, particularly in chabad for some reason, in terms of non-tznius dress. I'm not sure who I can look up to there because a lot of the chabad women in my area are not dressed according to halacha (not even chumrot, basic halacha like covering your collarbone and knees).

Is there no one in the community who dresses the way your Rav tells you to dress? If that is the case, what is with your children's chinuch in tznius? If they always see you dressing in a way that is far more extreme than everyone around, it could easily make them rebel! PLEASE make sure you have proper hadracha in how to make sure your children (and you) grow from this nissayon.

amother

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:17 am

yerushamama wrote:

I don't live in the community the Rav who advises us lives in. He's also living in a fairly secular area- apart from places like Kfar Chabad, chabadnikim (at least in Israel) tend not to live in one area all together.

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:35 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Maroon

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:29 am

a bit confused -- your shul is chabad?

your rav lives in your community? you are in contact with his wife/rebbetzin?
you have a mashpia?
there are so many outstanding chabad mashpios you could find who you could look up to and contact via email or phone and work long distance if necessary.
Are you considering moving to the community your rav suggests is right for you?
There are many strong chabad communities in E"Y.
There is an appropriate school/cheder/chinuch options in the community in which you live for when your children are of age?

how long have you been living in this community? do you have any friends there? whats your chevra and sviva like? are there any mom and tot type groups to join?

hatzlocha

amother

Emerald

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:38 am

Living apart from a community when you never lived with them will probably not work in a long run.
It is very commendable to become a ba’al teshuva.
It’s really a problem if you separate yourself from the people you think you want to be like.
Unfortunately that usually creates confused children who tend to do whatever their parents tell them when they are young but when they become young adults they usually become angry and rebellious.
Please connect yourself with a strong,knowledgeable person who can guide your family.

Yes, the summer is very hot! Especially so for Chareidim. Personally, I survive with the ac on all the time. And cool cotton clothing.

amother

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:48 am

amother [ Maroon ] wrote:

Our shul (not that I get a chance to go there, but DH does) is a Beit Chabad - apart from DH and the shaliach, nobody there is a lubavitcher. 90% are young singles, most who are either traditional or baalei tshuva or a bit of both. I've another 2 threads going currently about my problems with getting my son into an appropriate cheder. Everything is in Bnei Brak and while DD's gan is close enough to work, the only chabad cheder there is too far so I need to look into alternatives... it's a mess.

I've been in my current community for 4 years (since getting married). DH changed from being chardal to chabad during that time, so we still have a lot of our chardal friends, but not really any chabad friends. There's also a meshichist shul in the area, but it's a much older crowd (I'm in my 20s) and they're rather intense. Other than that, our city is very secular. Young people, mostly with dogs rather than children. Just yesterday, I was walking down the street with my kids and a lady exclaimed at me "maspik!!! kama efshar??" pointing at my children. It's not an ideal place to live at all but DH feels we have a shlichut here.

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:35 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:56 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

So when you are concerned with dressing like a Chabad woman, what do you have in mind?
Tznius you seem to understand.
Are you worried that people in the Chabad community might think you are doing something wrong?

I'm not worried because I don't have a 'chabad community'.
I can't post links to pics here but there's a midrasha called "pnimiyut" in Ramat Aviv where the staff dress appropriately imo

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:36 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Emerald

Mon, May 13 2019, 9:59 am

Israeli_C wrote:

What do you do when you need to bring your kids to the park to play during the day?

My own rule is that I will only go out on my block with more casual clothing. I do not get dressed up just to take out garbage, check mail, watch kids riding bikes. Once I have to leave the close vicinity of my home/block then I do change to a shaitel etc.
I am careful that my hair is completely covered and that my snood is not stretched out. I also always wear a little makeup since personally I need it and it makes me look good even when I’m not dressed up.
So yes, you will see me and many others in a comfortable stretchy skirt, a 100% cotton shell with a paper thin top over the shell and a snood if we are just going out to look after kids.
I have never found a shaitel more comfortable than my snood but I’ve heard that some people have. (Ex pony shaitel)
No need to dress like you are going to a business meeting when you are going to the park.

amother

Maroon

Mon, May 13 2019, 10:04 am

thanks now perhaps I understand a bit more about the reason not everyone around you may be dressed to the tznius standards to which you aspire -- odd to me that in that type of community someone would make a comment to which you would pay attention about your head covering?

bringing kids to the park in the heat -- I go early morning, or late afternoon/evening -- and wear a casual long skirt, knee highs or sox, casual light shoes made of canvas or other light material, button down blouse of cotton, short sheitel

hatzlocha with everything!

amother

Mon, May 13 2019, 10:10 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

Thing is, I live in a residential area which is just blocks of apartment after blocks of apartments and the only 10-15 minutes walk away is there any greenery or park. We don't have yards here, so if I'm going out I'm walking along a busy road and need to be dressed appropriately. At home I dress as you mentioned with a snood etc

Last edited by amother on Wed, May 13 2020, 12:34 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Emerald

Mon, May 13 2019, 10:12 am

Israeli_C wrote:

I'm not worried because I don't have a 'chabad community'.
I can't post links to pics here but there's a midrasha called "pnimiyut" in Ramat Aviv where the staff dress appropriately imo

You do not need to dress like the staff when you are watching your kids outside.
They also don’t dress like that when they are busy with housework or child care.
When you go to an appointment or doing errands or whatever then you obviously dress differently.
Tzanua at all times of course.
Ask them, they will confirm. You don’t dress like a seminary teacher when you go down to the park.

amother

Cyan

Mon, May 13 2019, 11:01 am

amother [ Emerald ] wrote:

Absolutely. Also, are these staff in their 20s? If so, find out from them directly what their parameters are for dressing when out with their kids.

yerushamama

Thu, May 16 2019, 2:01 am

Wow, that's tough! I also struggle with dressing in a way that my community finds appropriate while living too far away from the main community to see how they manage. B"H, when my kids were young, we lived very close to our Rav (same building Smile

) and the Rebbitzen would tell me whatever she felt I needed to know.

Try to find another woman who follows your Rav's shittas to help you - especially with the "little things". May you have a lot of hatzlacha!

amother

Linen

Mon, May 20 2019, 12:20 am

Just as a follow up to this thread, I asked my (Israeli chabad) some questions on tznius and got some good, some less good answers. BTW these were his answers for me, obviously other women need to ask their own Rav.
- Floor length skirts: depends on minhag hamakom. If women in my area wear them (they do!!) then I can too! Yay!!
- Wearing a wig allll the time outside... even in the height of summer: One needs to try to do it
- Cutting hair under one's sheitel: One need not cut her hair short under her sheitel, so long as it doesn't protrude outside of the sheitel or mitpachat
- Closed or open toe shoes for kids (with stockings): allowed
- Is a fall or pony sheitel allowed? He had no idea what either of these were, and despite my attempts to explain he still has no idea what I'm talking about. Oh well!

Last edited by amother on Tue, May 12 2020, 3:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

amother

Firebrick

Mon, May 20 2019, 2:18 am

Israeli_C wrote:

To the last question:
Pony sheitles are acceptable
Falls are not
(Among mainstream chabad)

amother

Linen

Mon, May 20 2019, 2:23 am

amother [ Firebrick ] wrote:

To the last question:
Pony sheitles are acceptable
Falls are not
(Among mainstream chabad)

This is where I'm confused - do pony sheitels have a 'finished' hairline? I thought a pony sheitel was like a fall only with a pony updo? I need to see these in person, I'm intrigued! Tongue Out

Last edited by amother on Tue, May 12 2020, 3:01 pm; edited 1 time in total