I'm losing my sanity/heart....

amother

Mon, May 27 2019, 10:34 pm

my 9 yo daughter is really getting to me. she's needy, clingy, talks a lot and always wants me to do everything with her. she pulls me and pushes me for fun, she's messy and leaves her million toys all over the house. I know I sound super negative and like a horrid mom and I agree with you. I wish I could be more patient. she's smart, and smiley but also really whiney. she keeps asking for food but only wants candy and cake. she basically pushes all my buttons.
I work all day and come home I have to run my home, cook supper, keep everyone and everything clean... I'm running on empty and I just want to put my feet up at the end of a day and she makes it so impossible. she goes to sleep around 10pm after being tucked in at 8.
what can I do to make myself be nicer and loving? I'm losing my mind from myself and my negativity to her. I feel very guilty. I'm nervous to go in to three days of yom tov with her nagging and my snapping. Crying

oneofakind

Mon, May 27 2019, 10:39 pm

Sorry but she is begging for attention because she needs more attention.
Set up a daily 10 minute time slot for her when she can choose an activity I.e. play a game, schmooze, read a book etc. and she gets your undivided attention. I think you'll see a big change and she won't have to be nudging you all evening because she will have her "special time".

FranticFrummie

Mon, May 27 2019, 11:01 pm

It doesn't need to be either/or. Find creative ways to integrate her into your daily responsibilities. BTDT. Some kids just need more interactive time with mom. It doesn't have to always be exclusive one on one time, she just needs to be near you and know that you hear her. She's needy because right now she's picking up on the vibes you are giving that say "Leave me alone!"

Put on some music, and tell her she can have a candy if she cleans up her room. She wants your company, so lie down on her bed and listen while she talks your ear off. If she gets off track, you can gently redirect her to cleaning, and remind her of the candy.

Get her to help you in the kitchen. She's not too young to mix up a bowl of ingredients, or dump things in a pan. If you think she's safe with a knife, you can have her cut up soft veggies, or use the veggie peeler for potatoes.

Don't forget to praise her when she starts to whine, and then stops herself. Praise her for asking nicely, for being a good sister, or anything else that will make her feel like she's a big girl.

Mayflower

Tue, May 28 2019, 4:14 am

It really does sound like she needs more attention.

I also have a 9yo daughter, and I work full time so don't always have much time for her.

You can try to spend time with her while you do your daily chores. For example: you can chat while you cook - either she can help you cut veggies etc. while she tells you about her day, or she can just sit next to you while you prepare supper.
My daughter also likes to fold laundry together while we chat (I know it sounds nuts, but for us it's mother and daughter bonding time, instead of just a chore).

In the evening, when the younger kids are in bed, let her pick one or two quiet games (or just read a book together) and play for 15 minutes. After that, you can let her read for another half hour and by then, she might be ready to go to bed - hopefully without whining.

This is what works for us, of course every family is different. But in my own experience, I find that when kids sense you don't have time for them, that's when they start clinging. As soon as they feel that I am there for them, they start letting go.

That said, three days yom tov is long. I usually try to arrange a play date for at least two days.

amother

Tue, May 28 2019, 9:15 am

I know she needs more ATT and I really want to give it to her but when she starts being difficult and I have a million things to do plus other kids to attend to I get impatient. I'm a good listening mom so that's not enough. she wants me to color w her, play with dolls or playmobile... those are the kind of things I'm just not good at. I don't thing I ever played imagination games in my life.
I'll try to set aside time to play a game, that should help. when I'm not busy w housework or other kids it's much easier to be patient but that hardly occurs. also, when I give a finger she wants a hand or both hands. it sort of never ends w her and if I snap at her after letting her stay up late to hang out w the adults then I feel all the att and good feelings went down the drain.

amother

Tue, May 28 2019, 9:48 am

I never got the feeling that the issue is with her just with me. I'm bogged down by life and I don't have reservoirs of patience to deal w all her neediness and requests of me. I know I'm the problem.
I need to change the way I think and feel and I don't know how.

amother

Cyan

Tue, May 28 2019, 11:48 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

OP

It may not be you. Some kids are thirsty for attention without you doing a thing wrong. DD is like that, I am a SAHM without pressure. My DD has a need for attention. I can relate to the part about giving a finger and DD wants a hand.

DD wants an hour when she comes home to tell me all about her day from the moment she got on the bus. She gets upset if I pay attention to others. My housework is done during the day, so anytime I am distracted is with an actual person. Being she is the baby of the family, naturally I have more time for her. She gets upset if I don't drive her someplace even though she may have a perfectly good alternative.

My DD is a lovely wonderful girl, but she is fulltime. She needs constant interaction unless she is with friends.

OP don't blame yourself for your daughter's nature.

amother

Tue, May 28 2019, 11:55 am

amother [ Cyan ] wrote:

thank you for such a kind post. you made me cry. I appreciate it. I beat myself up all day thinking why do I have such a hard time being nice to my daughter. I love her but I doubt she feels it. she needs so much but I'm running on empty and I don't know what to do to feel differently.

honestly, I was waiting to get beat up here and I was looking forward to it with dread and hope. sort of like getting "beaten back in to shape".