Screaming? Tantrums? How do you deal with it?

rachel19977

Wed, Dec 26 2007, 8:55 am

I'm reading a GREAT book called Parenting with Love and Logic by Jim Fay.

Wow I love it. They have some very good sugesstions there! I've been putting to practise some of the suggestions there and it's working.

Anyhow, I was wondering what is your way of handling certain areas of a screaming 3 year old boy?

For instance, this morning, my ds, time for breakfast. We're dressed, need to eat and drop him off at Gan. Sit dd 1 1/2 years old and dd 3 years old, with bowls of cherrios. Before you know it ds starts whining, and dumps out dd cherrios half on the floor and on the table. B"H there wasn't milk in her bowl yet! Then things just got worse. I simply picked back up the cherrios and told him to move to the next chair so he won't bother her. He didn't, so I moved him to another chair away from dd. He wasn't eating, just whining, no words. Tried to get back to the chair. Screaming/crying (fake).

Rule in the house, if you want to scream, you can scream in your room. But out of the room, no screaming. Warned him once, took him to the room, he calmed down.... anyhow, it happend again and again. Was getting late and he didn't eat. I wasn't going to put up with it or wait, he didn't want to sit and eat, and then put on his jacket. Warned him if you don't calm down, I'm taking you to the car and to school you can scream all the way. That's exactly what happend. Left him screaming at Gan and left. Well I guess he learned his lesson, when I picked him up from Gan I asked what happend, she said he calmed down right away. When ds saw me he gave me a HUGE hug and looked at me sheepishly. I explained to him that we don't scream like that, and if you scream you go to your room. Got home, was happy, ate good since he didn't have breakfast, and didn't eat his 10am sandwich in Gan, and went down for a nap. B"H!

What would you have done? We've always been telling ds that if you don't do this we'll _________ - then not doing it. Now that we are doing it, I guess he's letting us know he doesn't like it?

What have you done that's worked? Did I do wrong?

momo2boys

Wed, Dec 26 2007, 11:02 am

You actually did quite good, always stick to what you say, and try always to say positive, like-when you finish crying you can come to the kitchen, not like a negative saying if you cry you go to your room, which shows the kid as if you "hate" him when he crys so you send him away, get it? but yea I would've made my 3yr old pick up each peice of cereal he through on the floor, do it enough times he won't want to be picking it up again Smile

mama-star

Wed, Dec 26 2007, 5:36 pm

pink and yellow,

love and logic is an approach to parenting that involves loving and logical consequences for a child's misbehavior.

it makes the child accountable for their own mistakes and helps them to become responsible for their actions.

it teaches the parents be empathic with their children instead of angry with them when they make mistakes.

I learned about it from parenting courses given by a frum therapist. here's the official L & L parenting website: http://www.loveandlogic.com/

juko

Wed, Jan 02 2008, 7:28 pm

I have the same problem w/ my 3 yo ds. He started throwing tantrums left and right. It drives me crazy, all the screaming and yelling. I tell him he won't get what he wants by yelling, only if he asks nicely. However, it doesn't really work. He is in such a tizzy that its hard for him to hear logic, he just wants what he wants. My dh says its better to just give in (unless its s/t outrageous) because it will prevent all the screaming. Is he right? I say, it might prevent the screaming now, but he'll just learn that it works. I try not to scream back, but to say calmly, if you stop crying I will be able to help you. However, my way is not working that well either. He is still throwing tantrums all the time.

sugaray

Sun, Jan 06 2008, 12:09 pm

actually, love and logic says not to warn or threaten. so op, I think you handled the situation well because you stuck to what you said. however, according to love and logic, as soon as he does something "wrong" you hit him with the consequence (in your case, put him in his room). youre not supposed to warn or threaten him that if he does it again then it will happen. kids naturally learn that their actions have consequences at a point in their lives when the consequences are not major or too difficult to deal with (like when theyre older and life can deal some real doozies). love and logic can be hard to stick to but I also feel that when I do it right, it works.

PinkandYellow

Sat, Feb 16 2008, 5:25 pm

I got this off the love and logic website.

Quote:

Little Randy is toddling along with his mommy in the grocery store. Soon he has stopped and is now playing with items on the shelves. Randy’s wise mommy doesn’t waste precious energy by warning, "Don’t touch those things. Hurry up. Keep up with me. You’re going to get in trouble. Stop it." Instead, she glances at him out of the corner of her eye, keeps walking, and finds a place just out of sight where she can watch him. He can’t see her, but she can see him. Giggling, she watches him as he suddenly realizes he might be "lost." He looks around, doesn’t see her, panics a bit, and begins to run down the aisle. As he turns the corner and sees her, she smiles and says, "Oh, good to see you," and continues walking. As she moves along, Randy starts to learn, "I’d better keep up with Mommy."

do you do that? do you agree with that? it sounds mean. is their whole m'halach like this?

ChossidMom

Sat, Feb 16 2008, 5:56 pm

juko wrote:

Actually your dh is WRONG. Give in and create a monster.
My parenting teacher says that a few tantrums a day is normal. A tantrum can last up to 20 minutes. Just let them scream. They have to learn that screaming will get them nowhere. Eventually, they learn.

And in case you think I don't know whereof I speak, I have 5 kids and my youngest is terrrrrrible two and throwing multiple tantrums a day. He can scream for an hour for not getting a candy. Tough luck. It's hard to listen to but he will get the message that screaming won't do it.

Mommastuff

Sat, Feb 16 2008, 8:29 pm

PinkandYellow wrote:

I got this off the love and logic website.

Quote:

do you do that? do you agree with that? it sounds mean. is their whole m'halach like this?

I've tried something like that. It doesn't work. My dd will just continue to do what she wants rather than do what I want (to keep walking).

happymom

Sat, Feb 16 2008, 11:37 pm

when my kids cry I calmly hug them /hold them/ talk to them to help them relax and talk about what is bothering them.

whey they kvetch and scream I try and help them come up with better responses to things that upset them. or come up wiht other things to help stop the tantrum and help my dd relax. for example the other day she wanted a lollilop. and I told her she cant have one because she had enough sugar and it isnt healthy for her to have too much so she started to scream and cry. I went over to her went down to her level and calmly spoke to her about her feelings. I told her "I know its SOO hard when we really want something and we cant have it!" I then told her that when I was a little girl like her and I wanted candy, sometimes my mommy would tell me no because she loves me so much and didnt want me to have too much because she wanted me to be healthy, just like you. she was just looking at me by this point and her tantrum totally ended. I then hugged her and quickly changed the subject by doing something fun.

if she is bothering someone, I talk with her about using words and communicating rather then letting out her upset feelings in a negative way and I praise her when she remembers...

I usually find ways to end tantrums quickly by doing something similar to what I wrote above.

happymom

Sun, Feb 17 2008, 8:00 am

I look at it very differently. g-d made them slammer then us not knowing anything and it is our job to teach them and guide them how to deal with negative emotions calmly and lovingly because they do not know. most times kids cry becaust they are upset, feel misunderstood, or tired. did u ever read the book how to listen so kids will talk...... many times parent invalidate thier kids feelings which casuses th to scream and yell and tehre really are ways to prevent/help this with the right skills. and it WORKS. I was a teacher and trust me, it worked!

ChossidMom

Sun, Feb 17 2008, 8:10 am

I validate my kids feelings all the time.

It doesn't make a crazy whacko 2 year old have less tantrums. When they're crazy they're crazy and no amount of talking and explaining makes the difference. My parenting teacher teaches to let 'em scream till they're all screamed out. If it gets out of hand and they get violent that's called "spiraling" and there are ways to deal with that.

momtomany

Sun, Feb 17 2008, 11:27 am

Quote:

thats exactly what I'm talking about

happymom

Sun, Feb 17 2008, 12:57 pm

Quote:

It doesn't make a crazy whacko 2 year old have less tantrums. When they're crazy they're crazy and no amount of talking and explaining makes the difference. My parenting teacher teaches to let 'em scream till they're all screamed out. If it gets out of hand and they get violent that's called "spiraling" and there are ways to deal with that.

I find at least for me that if my kids do that its because they are overtired and thats why I am very very careful to always have them on thier shcedules and naps. I pick up my daughter eraly from school so she can take her nap to avoid this from happening... of course it can still happen I just find most times its really because they are tired (from my experience...)