DD touching herself, teacher angry

amother

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:38 pm

DD who is 3 will sometimes touch herself (or sort of grind against the mattress), usually when she's tired or before going to sleep. My husband and I don't say anything to her and just let her be. She's been doing it since she was two.

Yesterday, DD told me, "If I push my butt, teacher ______ is gonna get mad and take away my blanket". I'm assuming she is doing it when they put the kids down for a nap.

How should I handle this? I've told her, "We don't do touching the butt at daycare, only at home", but I don't know if she will listen. She responded, "But I want to do it at daycare."

I don't like the idea of her teacher taking away her blanket if she does it. On the other hand, I understand the teacher might not want her to be doing this in a room with other children.

What should I do? Any professionals here who can chime in?

nchr

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:43 pm

amother [ Magenta ] wrote:

I wouldn't call that angry.
and honestly the teacher should put up a boundary. touching self in public is inappropriate and she needs to learn that from a young age. why should you get involved?

Because she does not want the teacher to be angry.
I think you should call the teacher and maybe you pediatrician to figure out how to address this developmentally and appropriately. Definitely telling her this can be done in private, in your room, helps.

watergirl

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:43 pm

Firstly, teach her a better term for the area. This is for her safety. She is not touching her butt, she is touching another area or grinding it, as you said. While this is normal, by 3, children need to know that this is not appropriate to be done in public. Teach her that this is for the bathroom or bedroom only.

amother

Linen

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:44 pm

The teacher is right, she should not allow it in school. Maybe try to find a way to teach her to stop doing it at home as well so she should be able to fall asleep without it. Better stop it now, you can't know if and when she'll outgrow it.

watergirl

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:50 pm

I wanted to add - its ok for your child to learn now that there are things that she may WANT to do (ie, touch herself at daycare) but can not do. There are things we only do in our bedrooms or bathrooms. At home, you can enforce this by insisting she go to bed or to the bathroom when you see her hands going there. We do this with our own kids - when their hands touch private parts, they have to go to a private area. That is the bathroom, etc. Not as a punishment, by the way. Its ok.

By the way, this is also for personal safety. This is the time when she needs to learn about private parts. Parts that are covered with underwear are private. To touch them or show them, you must be in a private area (bed/bathroom, doctors office with a parent). She needs to learn this NOW so she can understand that no one is allowed to touch or look at her private areas. Now that she is 3, she can start to develop a sense of self. Perfect timing.

And you are by the way, FAR from the only mamma dealing with this! We can advise you because we have ALL been there with this! It's a developmentally appropriate thing for kids to do. And its developmentally appropriate for kids to learn where its ok and where its not ok.

Last edited by watergirl on Wed, Jul 31 2019, 3:05 pm; edited 1 time in total

groovy1224

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:52 pm

Well, I would certainly have a talk with this teacher who thought it was a good idea to punish a 3 year old for normal behavior, rather than talk it out with her mother.

But I would also explain to your daughter basically what watergirl said. It may feel good, and that's okay, but some things are only to be done in private and not when there are others around.

Rappel

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 2:56 pm

Bathroom, or bedroom are the usual rules - but naptime, which is done in a group, is tricky. If she's squirming under her blanket before naptime, then how does it negatively affect the other girls? If it were me, I would treat it as you do, OP - ignore it.

Her morah should not be punishing her for this, only directing her. If she feels it is essential to train a 3 (!!!?????) year old in this area, then maybe she can send her to use the restroom just before naptime, so your daughter can calm herself down there, and then go straight to nap on her mat. But I would first have a talk with her - she shouldn't be shaming your child over this. If need be, send your daughter with a thicker blanket, and then no one will see anything.

amother

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 3:00 pm

amother [ Linen ] wrote:

And why exactly do I need her to "outgrow it"? She doesn't rely on it to fall asleep, only does it sometimes. And if she wants to keep doing it, it's fine with me.

OutATowner

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 3:19 pm

I agree with what everyone is saying so far, in terms of enforcing the idea of some things are not done in public, but it concerns me that your daughter feels her teacher is angry over it, and punished her. Taking away a blanket, a comfort item, when trying to tell her to stop comforting herself another way, just doesn't make sense. The teacher should be speaking to you, not getting angry and taking away blankets.

amother

White

Wed, Jul 31 2019, 3:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And why exactly do I need her to "outgrow it"? She doesn't rely on it to fall asleep, only does it sometimes. And if she wants to keep doing it, it's fine with me.

Because it is not appropriate to get pleasure in a group setting.

amother

Teal

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 8:19 pm

amother [ Lemon ] wrote:

I feel like this is kind of tricky. If you tell your daughter to go to her room to do this won't that continue when she is older?

If she wants to continue when she's older, she will. Regardless of what she's told at this age.

amother

Seashell

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 8:29 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think there is more than one problem here which you don’t realize. Why did you teach her to speak that way? Saying to a 3 yr old “touching your butt?” And now she speaks that way? Seriously?

amother

Seashell

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 8:32 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

And why exactly do I need her to "outgrow it"? She doesn't rely on it to fall asleep, only does it sometimes. And if she wants to keep doing it, it's fine with me.

Because she’s doing it in public too.

amother

Cerise

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 8:58 pm

The teacher doesn't seem angry. She's just enforcing a boundary.

Why would u teach your kid to use such an inappropriate term?

And why aren't you making boundaries at home? 3 is old enough to understand about public private.

amother

Honeydew

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 9:11 pm

I agree that she shouldn't be doing it, on the other hand, taking away the blanket may not be the right consequence.
I think you should speak to the teacher and tell her that you are trying to teach your daughter in a positive, calm way that it is wrong to do it in public, but at the same time, she is only 3 and taking away her blanket is not productive. Perhaps you can speak with your daughter and tell her, "when you do it, teacher will do____/whisper to you/do a certain hint etc. to remind you that even though you enjoy it, we can't do it by daycare".

amother

Royalblue

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 9:18 pm

I did that as a child, and was embarrassed by the fact but that's how I fell asleep.
Eventually, outgrew it but I would have loved to learn to stop at a much earlier age.
Just kind of throwing this out there.

amother

Sapphire

Mon, Aug 05 2019, 9:27 pm

I had a 3rd grader last year who did this (against her chair), apparently she'd been doing it since preschool. The more something becomes a habit, the harder it will be to change. She's got to learn this is something to do in private only.