DD is a follower and its breaking my heart

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 1:13 pm

I asked her what was for lunch today and she said hotdogs. I saw ohhh you love hotdogs! Were u happy?! She said esti said I cant eat hotdogs if I want to be her friend so I didnt have any. I said why did esti say that? She said because esti said friends have matching and she doesnt want hotdogs 💔

amother

Pink

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 1:19 pm

That's so hard I would just say a friend is not someone who tell you what you can't do and it ok to like hotdogs if she doesn't.give her an answer to say nicly like I really love being your friend but it's ok if we like different foods. It can also depends on the age

amother

Bisque

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 4:21 pm

Does she have an explanation for why Esti can't eat hotdogs in order to be matching?

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 5:00 pm

Thx for the hugs. Shes 5. She was always like this and I have siblings like this so I saw and recognized the trait early on. As much as I tell her not to listen when her friends tell her what to eat etc. She doesnt listen
If there are any professionals on here that can reccomend a book / style of parenting / therapy etc. Im all ears.
Kids like this sadly are the best prey for the creepy predators out there down the road...

behappy2

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 5:34 pm

Try to find the positives in this nature. Nature's have two sides to it. I would think that honoring her independence and taste and creating safety at home and modeling can go a long way in helping her grow up healthy.

amother

Papaya

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 5:45 pm

Don’t put a label on her!! Empower her, educate her, inspire her, but don’t label her

I think you’re being triggered and this is more about you and your siblings than your daughter

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 5:48 pm

behappy2 wrote:

I dont want to come across that I dont think my DD is absolutely amazing! The positivites to this nature no know bounds. She is absolutely adored by every morah and adult that meets her. Shes mature and pleasant and so so sweet!! That's why its so painful to watch her lack of confidence- she is so amazing and everyone but her can see that!

amother

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 5:51 pm

amother [ Papaya ] wrote:

Don’t put a label on her!! Empower her, educate her, inspire her, but don’t label her

I think you’re being triggered and this is more about you and your siblings than your daughter

I dont agree with this but I appreciate your opinion!

allthingsblue

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 6:07 pm

I'm sure your daughter is wonderful. I do think you are over reacting, especially by mentioning predators; that is quite a leap.
All kids like to copy their friends. Kids also learn by example. What do you do to teach your kids to be individuals? Do you act in a confident, individualistic manner?
For the record, as a child I did not eat bananas or milk in public, as it was uncool. I am now a confident woman who does not subscribe to fads or pressure at all, and I eat bananas and drink milk to my heart's content. Sure,'I went through some harder years during school, but they allowed me to grow into who I am.
Some parenting books I like are "How to talk so little kids will listen" and "aha parenting."
I think one way to allow confidence/creativity to bloom is to avoid stifling your child's choices. I let my children pick out their clothing even when it doesn't match, I let them eat what they want ( I offer healthy choices but I let them reject them if they don't want)...
Good luck! I'm sure your daughter is a wonderful person. Followers and leaders can be great people Smile

amother

Slategray

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 8:12 pm

My daughter is the leader. She never said she wouldn't be someone's friend for not doing something, but her strong personality left little room for discussion. Her best friend was a follower. It was affecting the other kid's growth. After discussing with both sets of parents it was decided to separate the girls into different classes. My leader daughter has to find herself again and the follower can shine.

Is this something you can request

amother

Peach

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 9:04 pm

Mine does not have the magnetism of a leader, but is definitely not a follower and will not take these kinds of comments, rather she stands up for herself.
But it leaves her alone and feeling friendless.
Basically, you can't win.

FranticFrummie

Wed, Sep 25 2019, 11:31 pm

My sister and I are complete opposites. I'm stubborn, independent, and tend to make risky choices sometimes (in good ways.)

My sister is quiet, very compliant, and was always the "good girl". She was often targeted by bossy girls, encouraged to give away her toys, give away her favorite snack at lunch, etc.

As an older teen she was taken advantage of by a guy who was as friend of the family, and had gained her trust.

Please start role playing with your DD on how to speak up, talk back, and say NO. Having an "easy" child is a real mixed blessing. Don't take it for granted that she still needs guidance just because she's not making trouble.

Because this is her true nature, you'll have to role play with her and do a lot of social stories, over a long period of time. If you had a child that was wild and never listened to anyone, you'd be on them day and night. IMHO, the situation with your DD is WAY more important!

You are a great mom for being aware, and taking this seriously.

Ruchel

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 3:52 am

I'd go see the teacher and have a talk with both kids if she won't

oneofakind

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 4:15 am

Encourage her independence and talents as much as possible. Expressive art is great for her - the kind that she can use her own creativity. Give her choices.

amother

Seagreen

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 6:12 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I have a child who is somewhat like this, but not to such an extreme. She is a delightful, easygoing child. She has always been popular and well-liked, because she gets along with people easily. She has something really appealing and likable about her that attracts people to her - good middos, and a really sweet, caring disposition, plus some extra chein.

Recently I read Mordechai Weinberger's book Mastering Relationships, and I found it to be insightful. Read the chapter on Water - like water flows and takes the shape of it's container, people with the water personality are always adapting to the situation or people. Like every personality, it has it's strengths and weaknesses. Water personalities have to learn to stand up for themselves and set boundaries, otherwise others will do it for them.

Sadly, I do agree with your last sentence, even to a much lesser degree. This child is always the target of girls seeking unhealthy friendships, of girls with various challenges and issues. It's like a day into a new school setting, a girl with unhealthy family dynamics will seek her out like a magnet, and she has learned to set boundaries and not become the class "therapist". She is totally bewildered, why is it always her? But she's a sweetheart and like a magnet, they look for her and find her quickly. She's constantly getting phone calls from girls like this who quickly decide she is their best friend.....the flip side of popularity. It's barely two weeks into a new school setting for her, and already there's a girl who's calling her every night and wanting her to spend every recess with her, and the feeling is not necessarily reciprocated, and she's finding the balance between being nice and retaining her own choices.

Every year before camp, she is nervous how she will handle the balance of her friends vs. the girls who think they own her. And I tell her over and over - friends allow each other space, no one owns you. You just have to say no. And B"H she has learned to say no - no, I sat next to you yesterday and today I'm sitting near someone else, I'm sorry I can't be your partner for every single activity, etc....

In one situation, there was a friendship (B"H not a local one! made it easier) that was really affecting her negatively, and (after consulting with our Rav) we put a total stop to the friendship, and my DH asked the girl not to call our daughter anymore, with best wishes for her future. (the girl was telling DD personal things that were not healthy for her to hear, and not respecting boundaries we were setting. Needs professional help, not appropriate to expect that of your teen friend.)

So you are doing the right thing thing teaching your child from a young age that friends don't have to match, and friends let each other have space, and respect each other's choices, etc....

Have fun raising a class princess....

amother

Royalblue

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 6:31 am

I think your reaction is very extreme. Breaking your heart? I understand that you are concerned but this is over the top. You have a healthy, giving child, and don't appreciate her?

miami85

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 8:33 am

I don't view that as a "follower" but more of lack-of-self-advocacy skills. Statistically only 25% of the population are natural leaders, and we need "followers" or else it would be chaos. I think having a conversation about the difference between friends and bullies might be appropriate. A follower is ok, a doormat is not. Telling her that "friends" allow others to have their own opinions and ideas, and if she's not letting you then she's not really a friend and might hurt you.

amother

Lime

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:42 pm

I think you can help your daughter to stand up for herself. She's only 5 and she's still learning. It will probably never come naturally to her, but the more she exercises that assertiveness "muscle", the better she'll get at it. I think a lot of women (I know I'm generalizing here) are people pleasers and don't like to be disagreeable or make waves. Practice with her. Give her alternative ways to respond. You're a good mom.

chestnut

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 1:51 pm

She's only 5.
Develop her talents by signing her up for extracurriculars, role play different scenarios, read kids' books about self advocacy/standing up.

DVOM

Thu, Sep 26 2019, 3:53 pm

I train my kids to blame it on me. You want to eat chulant but everyone else is saying it's gross? Agree that it's gross but say 'my mother said I have to eat lunch.' Your getting pressured to give away your snack? 'I really want to give it to you but my mother doesn't let.'