Does being rich equal better shalom bayis?

amother

Pewter

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 6:26 am

Being well off effects shalom bayis to an amazing degree. We normally have amazing shalom bayis. I laugh whenever DH does buys something we don't need and tell him that no other wife should put up with this. We usually end up laughing together when I point out the absurdity.

There were 2 periods in our marriage where I was stressed over money. Early on we didn't have money reserves, and DH's boss stopped paying him. We got double his back pay eventually, and he got a new job. Then recently DH switched jobs, and the job had a delayed start date after he gave notice. We also committed to a large investment that was taking most of our cash. I put us on an austerity budget. I told the kids there was no more free spending.

Both times our magic shalom bayis disappeared. That was the only 2 times we weren't in accord. We had beautiful Shalom Bayis during heath scares and other stressors. I normally let everything roll off of me. The emotions of being overwhelmed or upset with DH are normally alien to me. DH also was not his easy going self.

The biggest cause of divorce is money issues. I fully agree with OP that it is difficult to respect a man who doesn't even try to work to support his family. Maybe OP you need to have an honest discussion with DH about how this is effecting you and your shalom bayis.

amother

Dodgerblue

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 6:38 am

It's pretty easy to fight over money even when you have it. Look at all the threads about different spending habits in spouses. There is the frustration of knowing the money is there to make life easier but one spouse won't spend it. Or that one spouse just keeps spending. And when one spouse insists on throwing money at a problem rather than personal time, or than working it out.

Any major stressor is naturally going to affect shalom bayis, whether it's significant lack of money, having a special needs child, etc.

amother

Pewter

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 6:50 am

amother [ Dodgerblue ] wrote:

There's a certain point where you don't fight over money anymore. I am a serious saver. DH is a serious spender. When there's enough money both our needs are satisfied. There's peace. I start spending freely, and DH doesn't spend as fast as the money accrues. You reach a certain point in material possessions where you have no more time to take care of anymore.

banana123

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 8:39 am

Ruchel wrote:

Better than would be if not having money? Yes. But only better than YOU would be - not as a whole wealthy people have better than poor people, just money will fix some stressors. Also rich people have other stressors, better be "comfortable

מתוקה שנת העובד אם-מעט ואם-הרבה יאכל, והשבע לעשיר איננו מניח לו לישון.
(קהלת ה:יא)

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 9:46 am

banana123 wrote:

Would it help if you both labeled him a SAHD? Meaning you officially switched jobs, you're the breadwinner and he's in charge of childcare, housework, errands, doctors' appointments, etc.?

I love this advice.
It’s so empowering for OP- puts the ball in her court!
I’d like to add that I’d be clear what my expectations are not “take care of the house and kids” but I’d very specifically make a list of what needs to be done (like: making lunches/making sure everyone has signed homework in schoolbag/ prepare or warm up supper/ bathe baby etc)
Because he has to be able to win and reach a place of success.
And then when he does that specific list/ expectation you both need to be happy- it can’t be that anything else that crops up is suddenly his fault and he’s a loser again.
Because I think men specifically are good at doing their jobs and not really at intuiting and doing it all.
So don’t set him up for another failure again...

amother

Khaki

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 10:39 am

I’m gonna flip this around. You have to have really good strong shalom bayis to get you thru financial stress. But you need strong shalom bayis to get thru any difficult circumstances.

Any of the following can cause serious stress within the marriage- health issues- physical and mental, problems with a child, problems with a family member etc... but if the marriage is very strong it is much more manageable and it also helps you get thru a stressful situation together.

OP, I think there is more to your underlying situation than just money. Money can sometimes cause couples to look aside serious character flaws in a spouse (if the husband provides a stable income, wife will look aside is shortcomings). You mentioned your hubby is nice, which is great. But the root of the problem needs to be addressed before thinking about just the money.

amother

Ecru

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 11:28 am

Another thread in which people try to convince themselves that having money - or enough money so that one doesn't worry about it - causes problems or doesn't solve problems.

As pointed out, the major stressor in marriages are caused by financial difficulties.

Obviously not all people with money are happy or have happy marriages but when there are no issues involving money, that is one source of irritation and stress that is completely gone.

Pointing out that some wealthy people are workaholics and thus cause stress doesn't prove anything as I would imagine these personality types would find a way to not be present anyway. Many doctors and lawyers (picking professions which stereotypically have long hours) manage to earn a good salary while also being emotionally present for their families and have very successful marriages.

It is far more stressful to have to work two or three low paying jobs or need lots of overtime in order to keep the wolf at from the door.

In terms of the OP, having a husband who is unemployed for three years would be an enormous stress on my SB. Whatever the reason - lack of motivation; depression; laziness, bad mental health - I can't imagine that this would not cause most marriages to be under severe stress. And that's besides the reality of inadequate money coming in.

Money does buy the ability to alleviate stress in large and small ways. You can afford help - you can afford nice food - you can afford takeout or restaurants - tuition - clothing whatever. And let's not leave out the reality that it also buys stress releases large and small - maybe it's shallow but the ability to buy something beautiful for either oneself or the home or the children is fun - it's not called retail therapy for no reason. Very Happy

And if you have great wealth - enough so that neither person has to work - what is wrong with that. I actually people in this position and they lead wonderful interesting lives without having the drudgery of a nine to five job. It frees them up to do all kinds of things - helping others in the community - having time and money for a personal trainer which helps both physical and mental health - exploring their passions and having the time and money to do interesting things and travel.

amother

Pearl

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 3:09 pm

No! Having money does NOT lead to better marriage. Money can cause other major issues such as control, addictions ect.
What I view as wealth is health and happiness. Dh and I are happy with what we have, We live off of nachas, humor, love for each other ect. More money could possibly help us buy more things we dont need but that wont make us any happier.
It seems your issue is bigger than money. Possibly your dh suffering from depression, no motivation and hence your lack of respect for him. Thats enough to cause an unhappy marriage. If your dh would get a job and help cover bills you will likely be a lot happier but you dont need to be rich, you need him to get help.

amother

Cerulean

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 3:41 pm

amother [ Pearl ] wrote:

I agree with your first 3 lines.
But I think that not having money adds stress to a marriage.
As they say: “It’s not so good with, as it’s bad without”.
Lots of stress/ arguments in marriages can be eliminated with a few dollars.
Gifts can also warm up a marriage.
Vacations help.
FYI I have money. I’m not a millionaire but am BH comfortable these days.
I know about both sides.
When people are comfortable, they act calmer and nicer.
I don’t mean rich. I mean just comfortable.
I think Real rich comes with its own set of problems.

frum violinist

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 4:47 pm

being in a very tight financial situation does not give us the oportunity to go out to eat and spend time together. it causes stress in the morning when I dont have enough clothes to dress the kids in- and I have no help with the laundry. the weekly food shop is a source of alot of stress and many other little things that could easily be solved with money can cause bickering. I wish we could go on a vacation and we just cant. sometimes I have meltdowns because I work so hard and get no household help and I have to do the cooking and the cleaning and all the laundry, and then when I am totally exahusted the end of the week comes along and I have to do all of the cleaning and the laundry, ironing and cooking with no help at all and I get so frusterated that I take it out o my husband.
having more money would ease the burden and help us alot.
but I must say that despite this situation that I would rather not be in- I have stengthened my emunah and also become a more creative person. I try to focus on my many brachos and thank hashem for health and happines and for things that money cant buy- like health, beautiful and smart children, happy emotionally healthy children and lots of other brachos that cant be bought.
by the way try to be creative- send you kids to relatives for shabbos and have some quiet time together- no its NOT a vacation but its better than nothing. buy some steak and make mashed potatoes and green beans and get kids to bed early and pretend its dinner out. go for a pretty nature walk or a power walk together. sit on the couch and look at you sweet kinderlach after thier bath and just hang out together as a family. be your own housekeeper. every time you clean for a few hours put aside 5 dollars and at the end of six months get yourself something special. I have a friend who used to walk to work- she got in shape and she saved the bus money in a special wallet and then at the end of the year she bought herself something.

there will still be moments of frustration and difficulties. and that is hard. for nothing minimizes the ongoing wearing down of financial struggles.

gande

Wed, Dec 11 2019, 5:35 pm

I know people with money who have issues about every dollar spent and people deep in debt that dont let it be a stressor. Its a lot in the mind. That being said, it seems like you are frustrated that you are working instead of dh who is perfectly capable. I'm not sure what the underlying issue is but maybe if he can start volenteering or working part time to try things out without pressure it might get his self esteem and motivation going.