I don't know why, or well, maybe I do, but Chanukah gets me so deeply depressed.
I listen to so many shiurim about the "light" of Chanukah and the "light in the darkness" and how Hashem answers us in the darkest of times, etc etc. And there's just this huge sense of urgency in all these shiurim. Like we MUST daven, we have to daven even harder! And if we daven like THIS then we will be answered, and this is the time!
It's not the time. My life is truly perfect and amazing. There's just two little blips in the road that cause me a lot of pain, one of which is my child with so many challenges. And every year I bend myself into pretzels trying to do all the things right and maybe this will be the year it all gets resolved. But it never does. Chanukah never saves me or anyone I know who is in deep pain. I don't understand why it never does.
I'm not saying it's supposed to. I'm not saying that his challenges aren't the best things in my life right now, speaking objectively, because it compels me further than I would ordinarily go. I'm not saying that my life is meant to be perfect. But there's something about the lengths we go to, and the little result we actually yield. I don't like saying hallel at this time of year. It just all feels so hopeless.
Interesting but I feel the same way. Every year I dread Chanukah - I don't know why but have a feeling that it has something to do with my childhood. Something very traumatic happened and I have no memory of what it was. But the depression is from that.
I don't know why, or well, maybe I do, but Chanukah gets me so deeply depressed.
I listen to so many shiurim about the "light" of Chanukah and the "light in the darkness" and how Hashem answers us in the darkest of times, etc etc. And there's just this huge sense of urgency in all these shiurim. Like we MUST daven, we have to daven even harder! And if we daven like THIS then we will be answered, and this is the time!
It's not the time. My life is truly perfect and amazing. There's just two little blips in the road that cause me a lot of pain, one of which is my child with so many challenges. And every year I bend myself into pretzels trying to do all the things right and maybe this will be the year it all gets resolved. But it never does. Chanukah never saves me or anyone I know who is in deep pain. I don't understand why it never does.
I'm not saying it's supposed to. I'm not saying that his challenges aren't the best things in my life right now, speaking objectively, because it compels me further than I would ordinarily go. I'm not saying that my life is meant to be perfect. But there's something about the lengths we go to, and the little result we actually yield. I don't like saying hallel at this time of year. It just all feels so hopeless.
How do you know that if you didnt daven things would be much worse? Or could cause other blips in life?
Just want to let you know I'm depressed too. Crying whenever I'm by myself and the kids can't see. I have seen yeshuos from ravening my heart out on Chanukah, and then that thing was taken from me a year and a half later...I figure that it being taken was a hidden yeshua? Only way I can understand it . But I'm crying from feeling friendless and disconnected because of my dysfunctional extended family. I'm crying because my kids' cousins can't come for Chanukah parties because my parents and siblings and in laws and siblings in law are so caught up in punishing us and eachother.
Just want to let you know I'm depressed too. Crying whenever I'm by myself and the kids can't see. I have seen yeshuos from ravening my heart out on Chanukah, and then that thing was taken from me a year and a half later...I figure that it being taken was a hidden yeshua? Only way I can understand it . But I'm crying from feeling friendless and disconnected because of my dysfunctional extended family. I'm crying because my kids' cousins can't come for Chanukah parties because my parents and siblings and in laws and siblings in law are so caught up in punishing us and eachother.
Oy! I'm so sad, reading this!
I'd be happy to connect with you as a friend. I just don't want to out myself right here, but maybe Yael can help? She can give you my email address?
How about your own family? Are you and your kids close? Are they young? Can you make it fun and exciting for just your family? Can you invite someone in the neighborhood - like a single or divorced friend, or a family going through some hard times - this shabbos? Sometimes when I spend all my waking moments working, especially working for someone else, it mitigates the pain I feel.
Does the depression ease right after Chanukah? In that case it may indeed be the holiday and all the forced merriment. OTOH if the melancholy starts well before, persists after the holiday and eases up come spring, it may not be Chanukah at all but a response to the diminution of daylight called Season Affect Disorder (SAD) or “winter blues”. The condition can be treated by getting more daylight, best in the form of time spent outdoors during the day, or in front of a special light box indoors. Good nutrition, exercise and spending time with friends and loved ones also play a role in elevating mood even if your melancholy is not severe enough to be labeled SAD.
The depression starts around Rosh Hashanah - slowly, enough to ignore and try to rise above, then slowly in spite of efforts to be happy it just increases and gets worse to the point of dread and doom when Chanukah comes around. It could be due to living alone for so long, there's little simcha and zero chizuk from anyone on planet earth other than a rabbi I watch on YT. That's about it. I am pretty sure that this is all due to something that happened that traumatized me about the holidays when I was very young. My entire childhood is wiped from memory except tiny instances. My parents were divorced and my mother was depressed. She took out a lot of her anger and rage on me. So it makes sense.
The depression starts around Rosh Hashanah - slowly, enough to ignore and try to rise above, then slowly in spite of efforts to be happy it just increases and gets worse to the point of dread and doom when Chanukah comes around. It could be due to living alone for so long, there's little simcha and zero chizuk from anyone on planet earth other than a rabbi I watch on YT. That's about it. I am pretty sure that this is all due to something that happened that traumatized me about the holidays when I was very young. My entire childhood is wiped from memory except tiny instances. My parents were divorced and my mother was depressed. She took out a lot of her anger and rage on me. So it makes sense.
Which Rabbi, I'm looking for some inspiration too.
I love this song it gives me chizzuk.
Hugs to everyone!
I think we all go through our times of feeling up and down. May we all see yeshuos!
What I found has helped me at times when I'm on the down side of the cycle is knowing that it's just a passing phase. Life is full of ups and downs and times when we handle the downs better and worse. We all have our struggles and challenges. Praying does not mean G-d will give us what we want, it means it will strengthen our connection to Him and we will hopefully feel better.
There is definitely a lot of power to prayer and it can change things in an instant but ultimately G-d will do what is best for us.
May we all see good things and have the capacity to see everything as good!
It's my Chanuka without dad, grandma, or real gifts. I don't feel like it's chanuka and don't feel like anything special. BH for the children because I would hardly do anything. Yesterday I was at my parents home for the first time since, and reaaaaally it was to please the kids.
When you’re in avelus the chagim are going to be hard. You’re supposed to rejoice yet how can you? You’re going through rational sorrow as a result of bereavement, which can be expected to resolve over time. You may sorrow all over again at Yahrzeits and Yizkors but the pain does ease up.
That’s not what OP is talking about. She’s talking about a recurrent melancholy that is not related to a specific loss or event but may be related to time of year (if it’s SAD) or some other factor such as feeling lonely at a time when “everyone” is cheerily anticipating getting together with friends and family. Suicides spike during the holidays and it’s believed that this is the reason. All that cheery good will highlights to vulnerable people just how different their expectations are from everyone else’s.
When you’re in avelus the chagim are going to be hard. You’re supposed to rejoice yet how can you? You’re going through rational sorrow as a result of bereavement, which can be expected to resolve over time. You may sorrow all over again at Yahrzeits and Yizkors but the pain does ease up.
That’s not what OP is talking about. She’s talking about a recurrent melancholy that is not related to a specific loss or event but may be related to time of year (if it’s SAD) or some other factor such as feeling lonely at a time when “everyone” is cheerily anticipating getting together with friends and family. Suicides spike during the holidays and it’s believed that this is the reason. All that cheery good will highlights to vulnerable people just how different their expectations are from everyone else’s.
No. It's not about feeling lonely. It's about the fact that Rabbaim say this is the holiday where there's light in the darkness. The implication is that you see some kind of yeshua from something bad. But there isn't that. The bad things that exist still exist, and they're highlighted on this time of year because all the things you davened for on Rosh Hashana aren't happening, and it's about that time of year when you realize they're just not going to happen. Ever.
And I'm not saying it's wrong. Gam zu letovah and all that. But it's still just really sad.
