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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 2:34 pm
There’s parents. With not much of a busy day happening
There’s kids, ages 30 plus with their own kids.
With of course much much busier schedules than their parents.

Is it normal for kids to expect their parents to ‘drop in and say hi if their in the neighborhood anyway??’
Or for the Kids who yes have many MM to give out & are super super busy but can if wanted by parents to drop in, even if it’s for just a few minutes??

I really really don’t know anymore.....
I think that kids come to parents, even if it’s for a minute. Rather than vice versa.
But maybe I’m wrong
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:00 pm
If the parents are not busy and the kids are I would think the parents should drop by. Even more if you want to be helpful offer to babysit so they can go to megilah. Just finding time to make it to megillah can be challenging with a family of young kids . I don't normally go out much . I make shalach manot and whoever comes we give too . At a certain point in the day we make a few rounds to whoever lives closest and then it's time for the seudah.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:03 pm
My dh is very upset every year when our dil states we should drop by if we happen to be in the area instead of other way around.
He is normally very easy going but this is a big deal in his eyes.

I don’t know. I know in theory it makes sense why my dil says. But my dh feels it’s not good chinuch - kids should know that they should make tome on Purim to see their parents. Even if it’s only 15 min.
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DVOM




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:32 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dh is very upset every year when our dil states we should drop by if we happen to be in the area instead of other way around.
He is normally very easy going but this is a big deal in his eyes.

I don’t know. I know in theory it makes sense why my dil says. But my dh feels it’s not good chinuch - kids should know that they should make tome on Purim to see their parents. Even if it’s only 15 min.


I can understand both sides of this.

Here's how I'd think about it:

Do I really want to be someone else's obligatory 15 minute visit to the in laws? I'd much rather be super-bubby who swoops in to save the day so that daugter-in-law can go hear magillah.

Insist on being visited instead of visiting and you might win the battle but loose the war. These are adult children were talking about here. The time to be mechanech them is long passed. How they are mechanech their own children is not your job.

If you think about your own middos- being kind, modest, thoughtful, generous- you really can't go wrong with visiting your children instead of the other way around.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:36 pm
It wouldn't occur to me to think that a parent should go to a child. It's literally beyond my imagination, sorry.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:38 pm
DVOM wrote:
I can understand both sides of this.

Here's how I'd think about it:

Do I really want to be someone else's obligatory 15 minute visit to the in laws? I'd much rather be super-bubby who swoops in to save the day so that daugter-in-law can go hear magillah.

Insist on being visited instead of visiting and you might win the battle but loose the war. These are adult children were talking about here. The time to be mechanech them is long passed. How they are mechanech their own children is not your job.

If you think about your own middos- being kind, modesthoughtful, generous- you really can't go wrong with visiting your children instead of the other way around.


On Purim I don’t need to be the one saving the day & swooping in. I save the day many many days. Throughout the year. Babysitting all the time. Them coming for shabbos all the tine. I am very kind and generous. Bought the kids their Purim costumes!! For ONE day out of the year, they should come to us. Even if it’s for 10 min. Children should come to parents. Just like we went to my parents. It wasn’t even a question.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:40 pm
Mommyg8 wrote:
It wouldn't occur to me to think that a parent should go to a child. It's literally beyond my imagination, sorry.


THANK YOU Salut Salut
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:40 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
On Purim I don’t need to be the one saving the day & swooping in. I save the day many many days. Throughout the year. Babysitting all the time. Them coming for shabbos all the tine. I am very kind and generous. Bought the kids their Purim costumes!! For ONE day out of the year, they should come to us. Even if it’s for 10 min. Children should come to parents. Just like we went to my parents. It wasn’t even a question.


I totally agree with you. I don't even understand the other side....

Truly moshiach's times.
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:41 pm
Here's my take.
It might be more "right" for your DIL to come to you.
But it's possible that she actually doesn't have 15 minutes to spare.
I know we have 4 Rebbis, 8 Morahs and English teachers, 2 principals (with strong relationships with my kids) and they all live on all 4 corners of the city and have different hours.
Add mitzvos hayom, delivering to some neighbors, feeding the kids real food, diapers, warming up seudah food, mincha, and TRAFFIC, we don't have 15 minutes.
I would not even be able to make it if my in-laws demand it.
And I would be very resentful if my in-laws stood on principle, were able to come to me but refused.
That's just my opinion.
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:45 pm
There's a story about Rabbi Akiva Eiger who was walking with another Rav. They passed by a bench where some young men were sitting and the young men did not get up for them as is customary when an older person or man of stature passes by. The Rav who was with Rabbi Akiva Eiger said - it must be Moshiach's times, you see - chutzpah yasgeh. Rabbi Akiva Eiger answered, not yet. In Moshiach's times they will be passing by and they will wonder why WE don't stand up for THEM...

Moshiach, we are ready.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:45 pm
What if my dil is going to her parents for the Seudah and my house is literally on the way ?
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Mommyg8




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:46 pm
keym wrote:
Here's my take.
It might be more "right" for your DIL to come to you.
But it's possible that she actually doesn't have 15 minutes to spare.
I know we have 4 Rebbis, 8 Morahs and English teachers, 2 principals (with strong relationships with my kids) and they all live on all 4 corners of the city and have different hours.
Add mitzvos hayom, delivering to some neighbors, feeding the kids real food, diapers, warming up seudah food, mincha, and TRAFFIC, we don't have 15 minutes.
I would not even be able to make it if my in-laws demand it.
And I would be very resentful if my in-laws stood on principle, were able to come to me but refused.
That's just my opinion.


So she has to go to all the Rebbeim but can't find time to go to her In laws? What an interesting order of priorities.
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amother




Rose
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:48 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
My dh is very upset every year when our dil states we should drop by if we happen to be in the area instead of other way around.
He is normally very easy going but this is a big deal in his eyes.

I don’t know. I know in theory it makes sense why my dil says. But my dh feels it’s not good chinuch - kids should know that they should make tome on Purim to see their parents. Even if it’s only 15 min.


DH should talk to your son.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:49 pm
amother [ Rose ] wrote:
DH should talk to your son.

We’ve tried that.
Guess it really didn’t make much difference
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teachkids




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:50 pm
As a young mommy:

It’s DIL’s responsibility to drop in to you if possible, but if you’re more than a 15 minute drive away it may not be possible.

It’s the nice thing for you to do to say “oh, don’t worry about it, we’ll come to you”.

If you can’t go, they should try to come to you.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 3:55 pm
It’s interesting that mommy g8 is the only one agreeing with me.
I wonder what age range your in mommy g8

Every one else states that I should try and understand the busy day Purim is for young families. & I should go to her instead of waiting for them to come to me. I know my dh won’t go for that.
Even though I always went to my parents, grandparents & mother in law. They were my priority
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notna




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:06 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It’s interesting that mommy g8 is the only one agreeing with me.
I wonder what age range your in mommy g8

I agree with you. Yes, Purim is a busy day, but parents should be a priority, especially if they will be in your area on their way to her parents !


Every one else states that I should try and understand the busy day Purim is for young families. & I should go to her instead of waiting for them to come to me. I know my dh won’t go for that.
Even though I always went to my parents, grandparents & mother in law. They were my priority
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keym




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:09 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
It’s interesting that mommy g8 is the only one agreeing with me.
I wonder what age range your in mommy g8

Every one else states that I should try and understand the busy day Purim is for young families. & I should go to her instead of waiting for them to come to me. I know my dh won’t go for that.
Even though I always went to my parents, grandparents & mother in law. They were my priority


Maybe that's the difference.
When I was a kid, my grandparents wanted us to come to them, so they hosted a party Purim night after megillah. Open house so we would come and go as needed.
My husband's grandparents came to them and hung out by them most of the day.

So it's what I'm used to.
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:10 pm
keym wrote:
Here's my take.
It might be more "right" for your DIL to come to you.
But it's possible that she actually doesn't have 15 minutes to spare.
I know we have 4 Rebbis, 8 Morahs and English teachers, 2 principals (with strong relationships with my kids) and they all live on all 4 corners of the city and have different hours.
Add mitzvos hayom, delivering to some neighbors, feeding the kids real food, diapers, warming up seudah food, mincha, and TRAFFIC, we don't have 15 minutes.
I would not even be able to make it if my in-laws demand it.
And I would be very resentful if my in-laws stood on principle, were able to come to me but refused.
That's just my opinion.


I don't have a dog in this race.

But if I did, I could read this as "Its much more important that we see a teacher whom my kids will probably never see again in their lives after this year, than it is that they see you."

Of course, I assume that the same goes for your parents -- you tell them there's just not enough time to see them on Purim. Because I cannot imagine telling one set of grandparents that there''s not enough time for them, but then actually spending time with the other set.

In any case, what irked me about OP's DIL is that she invited OP to drop by for 15 minutes if they're in the neighborhood. What DIL should have said is "I'm so disappointed that we're not going to have very much time at all to spend with you this Purim. I'm sure you remember what its like, but I really want you to see the kids in their costumes, and I know how much they want to show off for you. Is there any chance that you could come to us at ____ so you can see the kids and we can catch up?" It changes "maybe we can squeeze you in between people we actually want to see" to "we love you and want to see you." Without changing much of anything else.
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lamplighter




 
 
 
 

Post  Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:13 pm
I am the daughter/daughter in law and it is TOP priority for us to visit our parents on Purim.
This is part of chinuch.

If you are asking about your DIL/Daughter, it is always better to be dan lkaf zechus then to habor resentment.
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