Who goes to who? | Imamother

SixOfWands

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:13 pm

DVOM wrote:

I can understand both sides of this.

Here's how I'd think about it:

Do I really want to be someone else's obligatory 15 minute visit to the in laws? I'd much rather be super-bubby who swoops in to save the day so that daugter-in-law can go hear magillah.

Insist on being visited instead of visiting and you might win the battle but loose the war. These are adult children were talking about here. The time to be mechanech them is long passed. How they are mechanech their own children is not your job.

If you think about your own middos- being kind, modest, thoughtful, generous- you really can't go wrong with visiting your children instead of the other way around.

You might want that, but "drop by and say hi if you're in the neighborhood" doesn't sound like an opening to babysit. It sounds like you're last week's leftovers, but we'll be polite if you appear.

Simple1

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:18 pm

keym wrote:

Here's my take.
It might be more "right" for your DIL to come to you.
But it's possible that she actually doesn't have 15 minutes to spare.
I know we have 4 Rebbis, 8 Morahs and English teachers, 2 principals (with strong relationships with my kids) and they all live on all 4 corners of the city and have different hours.
Add mitzvos hayom, delivering to some neighbors, feeding the kids real food, diapers, warming up seudah food, mincha, and TRAFFIC, we don't have 15 minutes.
I would not even be able to make it if my in-laws demand it.
And I would be very resentful if my in-laws stood on principle, were able to come to me but refused.
That's just my opinion.

This is why I keep on saying that teachers' appreciation should be moved to a less hectic day. Why are parents less than teachers?

amother

Khaki

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:18 pm

There are unwritten rules of kavod. Maybe they should have been written down.
Younger visits older, child visits parent, niece to aunt, etc.
If there are relationship issues, ds can stop by with the kids and DIL has a break.
If it doesnt work on Purim, then go Taanis Esther, in costume. Thsts what my mom did with us, and we did with our kids.
This was understood 20 years ago.
If you are lucky enough to live within a 30 minute drive to living parents, grandparents, etc. I dont understand the question, sorry.
You should be gebentshed.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:23 pm

WHOA I almost didn't post because I was 100000% sure you were my mother! Until you posted about your DIL, and my mom doesn't have any DILs yet. You even wrote it how she speaks/writes! Whoa.

K now for my answer, I think the parents who have less going on should go and visit, as long as everything was communicated and explained in a nice, respectful manner. Driving around town delivering a gazillion MMs takes forever and traffic is a disaster. The fewer stops you have to make, the easier!

Freilichin!

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:25 pm

amother [ Peach ] wrote:

Do what works. Are you getting together later @ the seudah anyhow?

No. Then I wouldn’t care.
I’d see them at Seudah

They’re going to her parents. All her siblings are in town and although her parents did invite us, my friends invited us earlier & I already made plans and divided up the food making with them.

Our house is on the way to her parents house.
Hopefully they’ll be able to make a quick stop to see us.

amother

Blonde

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:26 pm

As a grandmother whose kids came to visit, I'm very happy. I can't go to them, because I have various obligations where I am. But if they couldn't get to me, I would get to them. Or not. But I certainly wouldn't fuss.

When I was a child, grandparents were older, even when they were chronologically the same age as grandparents now. They were less likely to drive, to be in good health etc. So of course we went to them, without a second thought.

Is it respectful to go visit the grandparents? Yes. Is it disrespectful to have grandparents come to the kids? Not necessarily. Family shouldn't stand on ceremony. If the relationship is respectful, the issue of who goes where when is irrelevant.

amother

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:29 pm

amother [ Blonde ] wrote:

I wish my dh could think along those lines.
I must say it’s very healthy thinking and I do agree. But still.... there is a tugging in my conscience saying that once a year (or twice, erev yom kipper) kids should come to parents.

We do have a very open relationship. My kids come over all the time and I go see them every week by myself.

amother

Bronze

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:31 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

There’s parents. With not much of a busy day happening
There’s kids, ages 30 plus with their own kids.
With of course much much busier schedules than their parents.

Is it normal for kids to expect their parents to ‘drop in and say hi if their in the neighborhood anyway??’
Or for the Kids who yes have many MM to give out & are super super busy but can if wanted by parents to drop in, even if it’s for just a few minutes??

I really really don’t know anymore.....
I think that kids come to parents, even if it’s for a minute. Rather than vice versa.
But maybe I’m wrong

expectations are the killer of emotional health. Don't have them. go with the flow. be happy with what you get. there are no rules with family. life is imperfect. the end.

DVOM

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:40 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

On Purim I don’t need to be the one saving the day & swooping in. I save the day many many days. Throughout the year. Babysitting all the time. Them coming for shabbos all the tine. I am very kind and generous. Bought the kids their Purim costumes!! For ONE day out of the year, they should come to us. Even if it’s for 10 min. Children should come to parents. Just like we went to my parents. It wasn’t even a question.

Im not saying it's right. Im saying its reality. On their own, they're not coming to you. Your husband spoke to your son, they're still not coming to you. So now what? Stew, annoyed and resentful, as hour after hour passes and they don't come? Where will that get you?

ora_43

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 4:57 pm

Why are you talking about your dil, and not your son? Even beyond the normal code of healthy in-law relationships - any issues should be between the child and their parents, not parents and in-law child - it just doesn't make sense to put this on her when it's all about your family culture and what you grew up with and taught your kids.

She grew up in a different family. Maybe she has a totally different family culture. Maybe she's sitting at home wondering if maybe you don't like her all that much, because you never stop by on Purim even though she knows you were in the neighborhood, while her grandparents used to stop by her house every year when she was a kid.

Maybe not. Hopefully not. Just saying, she might have been raised with a wildly different set of expectations.

Me, I've never heard of the idea that children and parents are supposed to get together davka on Purim What

. I mean, for the seuda, sure, but driving yourself nuts to stop by your in-laws just for a few minutes? Why? Bring the kids the next day, when they aren't over-tired and hyped up on too much sugar. And when there's time to spend actual time together.

I thought maybe it was just me, but I asked dh and he said he's never heard of this either.

Not saying your way of doing things is wrong, just, again, there are other ways of doing things out there.

So, again, if you're going to give your son and his wife a hard time about this - and I really, really advise against doing that, I don't see how a 10-minute visit once a year could possibly be worth the bad feelings you might cause - talk to your son, because he's the one who (in theory) understands your way of doing things. "My son knows how important this is to my husband, but he says he can't manage" is a question that might lead to a helpful answer; "who is right my husband or my dil" is pointless.

amother

Dodgerblue

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 5:04 pm

I think I qualify to answer...

I'm a mother of 14 bli eyin hora, 4 marrieds, 9 in school, and have a nursing infant too!. Between morahs, rebeiim, mechitunim, neighbors and bosses, megilla and suedos, nursing and diapering, 24 hours just doesn't do it! So thank Hashem for my wonderful parents who come to us. After a few years of them visiting, it turned out in their favor as we now host the extended family Purim seuda while my parents enjoy the nachas without having as to lift a finger.

My in laws is a different story. They live a 2 hour drive away and for the life of them can't understand why we can't make time to come to them on Purim, in the morning, no less! They host the morning seuda and are upset year after year that we don't show up. My MIL has never in her married life left the house on Purim other than to shul for megilah reading. She is totally clueless what it takes to push into this day PLUS an hour drive each way.

If you are my mil, sorry mommy, I'd love to join, if Purim would have been 2 days....

I have time to post a reply because I'm taking a break now to nurse while dh is out davening mincha at the rabbi's house. Then we are off hosting the chevra!

ora_43

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 5:24 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

We live 10 min drive away

They just popped in & it was fine.

& reason why I asked re dil snd not son is b/c she is the one who brought it up to me. Not him.
By the way she goes and visits her own parents and grandparents so she’s not raised any differently.

I'm glad it worked out.

But re: the bolded, you said this:

Quote:

My dh is very upset every year when our dil states we should drop by if we happen to be in the area instead of other way around.

"Our dil says we should come to her, instead of the other way around"

vs

"Our son doesn't offer to bring his family to us on Purim. Our dil has said we're welcome to stop by their house."

See the difference?

amother

Denim

Tue, Mar 10 2020, 6:03 pm

I'm a young dil who doesn't dream of skipping the visit to my in laws and grandmother despite having 4 little kids with 3 of them in chinuch. However, having read through the responses I have come to conclude that:
1) Comparisons are not helpful. If it works for some parents to go to their kids, then why not? The purim visit is not the be all and end all of kibbud ov vo'eim. Just because someone else's dil comes to her, doesn't mean you can't visit your dil who may have a much harder time coming out for whatever reason.
2) Times have changed. People have more commitments than ever on purim and the distances, for most have increased. And so has the traffic. The day though, is still the same amount of hours. Sometimes, one has to be practical, not principled.

I personally would rather give the teachers the day before than skip my in laws. But I don't believe standing on principle will enhance the relationship (which is after all the point of shlach monos!) Mothers in law, proceed with caution.