Working moms, how do you do it?

amother

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:33 am

I'm struggling.

I had maternity leave for our first baby and felt very fortunate to get that bh...then I came back to work and there was Covid and there was a lot of up in the air time working at home with baby and no help for a while. Let me just interrupt myself to say that I sincerely don't want to be a person who complains. I am blessed by HKBH with a husband, a child, a job, all of whom/which I love.

We are barely making ends meet in an in-town community and always trying to find ways to save--and to save iyh for continuing to build our family.

I've just been feeling really overwhelmed lately. The worst part is I feel I have zero right to "complain" so I nip the internal comments in the bud.

We also went on a trip recently and it was the first real trip with the baby and I definitely took for granted how easy it was to travel before when it was just us two! Traveling w/ a baby involved a lot of time, planning and schlepping. Those of you with many children may be chucking at me but it's a big adjustment from no kid to having a kid bh.

My body is physically exhausted and there is always laundry, cooking, and trying to keep up at work. Others are excelling faster than I am at work due to the fact that I'm a mom and--let's face it--have a frum lifestyle with holidays and home obligations.

I end up feeling exhausted and like I'm not enough for anyone although DH is loving...I think I'm really just not enough for myself. Working moms I look up to talk about "juggling," it's just "lots of juggling." Somehow I feel in need of some kind of relief though...maybe someone has chizzuk for me because I feel like I'm not doing any one single thing well.

HonesttoGod

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:41 am

First things first, stop beating yourself up for not being 100% gratefull 100% of the time. Things are allowed to be hard, they will be really hard.

Make sure you are taking care of yourself - eating, drinking, and sleeping properly. And learn to let things go - it is ok if the dishes don't get done immediately. It is ok if the washing stays on the sofa for a few days, or always lives in a box and doesn't get folded. These things are all OK.

PS: If you still feel overwhelmed or down or depressed, please speak to a therapist and/or dr.

amother

Gold

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:47 am

Welcome to my life.

You sound like you are doing awesome. It is much simpler to master one thing than to do so-so many. We are sold a bill of goods that we can be anything we want. The problem is that that tell you you can be anything and we hear everything.
You are 100% correct. It is impossible to do it all, to have and run a family, excel at a career, and be a frum/haimish balabusta. Yes, there is the occasional superwoman who does it all, but most people choose/have the choice thrusted upon them. Most people who have careers either have help, a messy home, or are less attentive to their families. Something's got to give. The choice is a little of everything or a lot of one thing.

singleagain

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:50 am

HonesttoGod wrote:

First things first, stop beating yourself up for not being 100% gratefull 100% of the time. Things are allowed to be hard, they will be really hard.

This one hundred percent. It's allowed to be hard. It's allowed to suck. Just bc you "have it" doesn't need it's problem free. Allow yourself to complain instead of bottling it up.

amother

Maroon

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:56 am

Same thing here.
Full time job (working with non Jews, so no matter how many hours I put in, I am always working far less than everyone else between daycare pickup, half day Friday, yom tov..)
Feeling inadequate at work because my mind is in so many different places...
Feeling guilty for leaving my baby all day...
Working hard to keep my apartment spotless but it takes time and I end up constantly exhausted.
Dh works long hours so I handle daycare pickup and drop off, supper, clean up and putting my baby to sleep. By the time the night comes around I’m just so tired and don’t feel accomplished.
Trying to get back into the swing of things at work and stick in some time for self care but it’s hard!

amother

Blush

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 10:59 am

You’re getting some great supportive advice. I’ll touch on more practical issues. I always say: you need a system
Things that I figured out work for me:

I cook dinners for the week either a)Saturday night (in winter) or b)Sunday (during nap time) or c)the night before (never the night of)

We do laundry on Saturday night (figured out we are home watching Netflix anyway may as well be productive) so anything that needs to be air dried can be put away on Sunday morning

I pack everything for the next day at night. I lay out our clothes, Lunch for me, stuff for the baby’s drop off at daycare: in the morning I just grab and go.

I always wake up (way) before baby so I’m showered, caffeinated and ready before I have to get baby cared for.

Times I was home with the baby awake I tried to make sure I wasn’t doing anything else but being with her. Harder as they get older but still doable. We reserved all household chores for after baby’s bedtime

You’ll figure out your system in good time! But yes it takes time and organization

amother

Navy

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 11:21 am

It really takes time. I'm not sure why it is that I felt completely overwhelmed with one kid and my full time job, and I had a teeny apartment that I could clean in an hour, it was so small.

And now, a bunch of kids later and a house and a more intense job, somehow it's all easier. Somehow you just learn some shortcuts and tricks along the way. Cooking gets faster and more streamlined, grocery shopping has a routine and designated days, and somehow you compartmentalize. It's just one of those things that you find your groove the older you get.

Do your grocery shopping on Sunday. Put the phone down at 5pm when you're home from work, and give your kids your all, then pick it back up after they go to bed. Figure out your easy-peasy suppers and designate each night for each supper. Mondays are grilled chicken and salad, Tuesdays are pasta night, etc. Don't start experimenting until the weekend. Your job also gets easier the longer you do it. Your childcare experience gets easier - you don't get so worked up about a child crying, for example. You don't stress the toilet training at age 2. There are more kids around to play with each other, freeing up your time.

It's time and experience.

saralem

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 12:09 pm

I can so relate. I’m older now but I very clearly recall feeling that I didn’t excel at either home or work despite all my efforts. I watched others get ahead professionally whilst I was having baby after baby. And felt like I never had enough energy to give the family.
The reality is that it’s all just fine. There’s no race, no competition, no finish line. I wish I would have learned how to be in the moment all those years ago. The stress is what gets in your way. And the myth of perfection and having it all. Be kind to yourself and learn to manage your stress. The nuts and bolts of everyday life will sort themselves out once you learn to just be.

amother

Wed, Jun 17 2020, 1:01 pm

saralem wrote:

Wow this is so wise! Thank you! And thanks to everyone for your words of comfort and practical advice too! Very much appreciated Smile