How do you feel when you leave someone outside?

mommy3b2c

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:19 am

ora_43 wrote:

It's not a "change," it's just a different perspective.

A neighbor he knows well is still just a neighbor. Not a son, brother, nephew, friend, etc. If I made a list of people I'm close to, in descending order, 'son of neighbors I know well' wouldn't make the top 100.

And the favor is a big one. Essentially, the guy agreed to give up 2 hours of his own time in order to save 3 hours of OP's kid's time.

Relative to the scale of the favor, they aren't that close. It's not like, say, a parent, where the average person would go out of their way to make that person's trip more convenient. Or a close friend, where the average person might view the hour-long car trip as time well spent. The fact that he's "just" a neighbor is what makes it so exceptional that he agreed to the favor.

As for the rest, I must have missed the post where you talked about the potential legal issues if it's a rental property. My bad.

Except, that the op specifically said that she was hurt because it was a close neighbor. She actually did describe them as friends. So if op says it was hurtful because they are close, why are you saying they must not be close? Why can’t we accept the ops story as it is?

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:23 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Lol. All MY assumptions??? I’m pretty much going based on the facts. It’s everyone else who is assuming that the boy is irresponsible, entitled, didn’t communicate properly, is a bum off the street that can’t be trusted, that the family must have a good reason for leaving....

Good morning to you 🌞

The only assumptions made is the lack of communication. All others are just ideas as to why possibly a person would not let any Person in their home ( general , not pertaining to this specific boy) you however are assuming the wife is a witch.

Don’t you wish the OP would clarify what really happened?

ora_43

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:23 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

And I am stuck on the fact that everyone thinks driving someone for 2 hours total (not 4) is such a big deal that it excuses leaving the kid outside all day when they just as easily could have let him sit on their couch.
Regardless, I think the husband is probably a nice person who is scared of his *itch wife. That would be the explanation that makes the most sense.

If the husband committed his wife to a chessed that she wasn't comfortable doing, that's entirely on him. That's not "nice guy" behavior, it's inconsiderate to both his wife and OP's son.

amother

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:31 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

OP- if you are still on here
Would you mind clarifying if this was a vacation area and were there others from your community.
Or was your son heading to a camp or yeshiva?
Or perhaps your son did not tell you the whole story ?

Yes, as I said before, it's in switserland in a vacation area and my son was heading to camp.
And again, my son did manage, he's fully ok bh, he even didn't want to tell me the story in the beginning, claiming it's loshn horah!
My only question here was, as it says in the title, how was this lady feeling after you know a tired boy is sitting outside your door. You didn't let him in and didn't arrange anything it give him ideas. Can you enjoy such a trip? That's my only question, as I wouldn't.

ora_43

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:33 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

Because the OP's story is confusing.

At one point she said they are friends.

Then later, she said "This friend is not newly married, he is a neighbor, that's how they're friends and has kids his age." IOW, this is a "friend" who is significantly older, not a peer.

Oh, and also, the friend's wife views OP's son as a stranger. How many friends do you have whose spouses would consider you a stranger?

Personally, the way I see to make sense of this is as follows: this guy is OP's son's "friend" in the casual sense that 17-year-olds often use the word "friend," ie, someone he's friendly with. Not somebody he's particularly close to; hence the man's wife viewing him as a stranger. Also, hence OP not worried about her teenager having a weirdly close relationship with an adult man.

You choose to make sense of it differently. Cool. The criticism of everyone else for 'not accepting OP's story' is unfair, though. Nobody is deliberately misunderstanding.

amother

Babypink

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:36 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

But you only have half the facts lol.

It's like a jury ruling on a trial before the second side presents their case.

And I know that's what we do here on a regular basis, by definition. But imo, the posters who are particularly insightful and actually helpful are the ones who ask a little deeper that the "facts" presented by the op.

ora_43

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:36 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Could your son enjoy resting in her house, knowing that she's deeply uncomfortable with his presence there?

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:37 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

So the story is like this. My son, 17 year old traveled a whole night but hadn't yet arrived to his destination.1- A friend ( married and a few years older) said he'll take him with his car but can't 2-spoil his wife's vacation so my boy should wait till the 3-evening and he'll take care of him till then.
My son calls me, he's homeless. He said it in a joking way. But the thing is, his friends wife didn't want a "stranger" in her apartment when they went out for an outing.
My question to her is, how can you enjoy your outing with family and food when you know there is a boy sitting on your steps without a chair ( after not sleeping at night) or food , in the heat? Did you ever hear of hachnasat orchim?

1- neighbor or freind?
2- She should not have imposed. She should have found another solution
3- he Was told evening, why did he arrive earlier?

Mommy3:
No it’s not nice to leave people stranded, and it’s not nice to impose on peopl, and get all huffy when they don’t do a “ chessed” That Was imposed on them

Maryann

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:38 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

There was another post by op saying that driver texted her that they will take care of him
That confuses and changes the story

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:43 am

Hey mommy 3

I am dropping off my granddaughter at your house she went to daycamp with your freinds neighbor, I expect you to drive her to camp and she has no phone and I don’t know when she’ll arrive. Please change all your plans for the day, and don’t move from your front door Very Happy

Thanx in advance.

ora_43

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 8:53 am

Frankly, it's disturbing that on a women's board, there are people just knee-jerk blaming the woman.

How could a Jewish mother not...

She must be a b*tch and her husband must be scared of her wrath...

I mean, two men make a plan without talking to the woman involved. The woman is not comfortable with the plan. She expresses her discomfort.

What a b****, amirite? Rolling Eyes

(A good woman would just be like "sure, invite teenagers I don't know to sleep in my kid's bed. In a vacation rental. During a pandemic. Why not?" Or better yet, she'd say nothing at all. If her husband wanted her opinion, he'd ask her for it.)

... Or maybe, her husband shouldn't have made a plan without her and just assumed she'd be OK with it. Maybe it's her husband who owed OP's son an apology, and the mental effort of suggesting alternatives.

And while I don't blame OP's son at all, because he's only 17, this should be an important lesson for him.

1. Unfortunately, it's not safe to assume that someone's wife approves of his plans; sometimes you really need to check in with both spouses to make sure they're both on board.

2. Given the coronavirus situation, you really need to ask explicitly if you can be in someone's house, and make it clear that "no" is also an OK answer. "Hey, it looks like I'll be getting in early, is it OK if I crash at your place for a couple hours? If not I'll just find a coffee shop or something, no worries."

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:01 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Thank you for replying. Glad your son reached his destination safely. May I ask where he was coming from? Just curiosity, not important.
And was there noone else he knew there?

mommy3b2c

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:02 am

amother [ Slateblue ] wrote:

Thanx in advance.

If you asked me in advance, I’d say yes or no. If you just showed up my door, I would take care of you. I wouldn’t tell you, “you can’t come in.” I just wouldn’t do that. And anyone who would, is missing basic decency. And if you absolutely can’t let them in, you make other arrangements for them, give them food and drink, apologize and provide a decent explanation. You don’t just leave them outside. The end.

Hopefully, I won’t respond again because I’m just driving myself crazy.

amother

Slateblue

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:08 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

So we know that when people come to you they are in good hands. Kudos to you.
Have a great day.

amother

Cerulean

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:09 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

How do you feel knowing that during someones vacation you were the possible cause of :
a. tension between husband and wife
b. husband leaving wife alone on vacation for 2 hours and coming home late
c. your son being left without a plan but to lean on others generosity

And the reason you caused this is due to poor planning, lack of attention to your son's (a kid?) schedule and the desire to save your son's time and money while demanding it from another.

There is something super warped and entitled about not taking NO as a complete sentence when asking for a chesed. They did not owe you anyrhing. They gave 2 ho7rs of their time and gas (tolls) while on vacation. They certainly dont deserve your judgement and snarky questions (how would you fell etc)

amother

Puce

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:21 am

ora_43 wrote:

ITA. Who said it wasn’t the dh who didn’t want the 17 year old in his house all day.

Next time don’t send him alone on a bus without concrete plans, or this kind of thing can happen.

southernbubby

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:22 am

I didn't read the whole thread but when my kids were young I didn't leave anything up to them.
I have seen plenty of situations where men failed to ask their wives and I would have contacted the wife as the mother of the boy.
I don't have internet other than in my phone but I don't lend out my apartment when I am not there and would not want travelers during the pandemic. I got nervous when a Chassidishe couple wanted a 5 minute ride in my car from Apple tree to their bungalow but I kept the windows open and explained that I am afraid of catching COVID.
The wife may have been trying to teach her husband not to agree to do something that she doesn't want and didn't care about hurting a kid. She doesn't sound like a nice person but we don't know her side of the story.
If I would have let the kid in, I would have opened all windows and provided paper goods and sanitized the bathrooms after he left. I can't imagine leaving him outside. The internet can always be locked.

amother

Apricot

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:54 am

mommy3b2c wrote:

I have no patience to keep repeating myself and respond to everything but one question I have is why Does everyone keep referring to ops son as a stranger or a boy he “sorta” knew? The op specifically said that it was so hurtful because these are neighbors he knew well. So why does everyone keep changing the story?

The kid we took in was no stranger- someone we knew well from a family we were close with.

mommy3b2c

Sun, Aug 09 2020, 9:58 am

amother [ Apricot ] wrote:

The kid we took in was no stranger- someone we knew well from a family we were close with.

That’s great. Nothing to do with the op. I don’t expect people to take anyone in long term. That is way above and beyond what is expected of anyone. Leaving a kid you know on your couch for a couple of hours, that’s so easy, it can hardly be counted as a favor....