Those who didnt follow parents advice about who to marry and

amother

Aubergine

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 12:53 am

When I was dating my husband (who was different than the type of guy my parents envisioned me with), my father seemed to be actively encouraging me to reconsider a guy I'd previously dated and liked a lot but who would ultimately have been a terrible match for me (hence why we broke up). My husband and I were actually on the verge of becoming engaged by that point and I wanted my parents to be more excited about him, but oh well. My father also made some disparaging comments that made me sad, but I realized that my parents didn't have the best idea of who would be a good match for me. Thankfully they never meddled into my dating life and they welcomed my husband into the family with open arms. Several years later we are still happily married.

amother

Cerise

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 12:54 am

I picked yes even though I don't regret it, because looking back I should have taken the advice. It was good advice, I just got lucky.

(husband had some controlling red flags while we were dating, BH we have worked through his need for control and my need for approval in couples therapy but it could have gone another way CVS. I do sometimes think I would have been happier with someone else but I'm still glad I married him. Mostly we're a good team and we've both changed a lot for the better since we've been married about 5 years. I think we're not done growing yet.)

amother

Seashell

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 1:24 am

I'm not from the circles where parents are super super involved, but obviously all parents have opinions. It took me a while to get married (I was over 30) and there were guys my parents had liked and wanted to me to marry based on appearances but I was the one actually dating these guys and there was always something missing. I am very happy that I waited and chose my DH. By the time I actually said the words "I am getting engaged to this guy" they were just happy I finally found someone.

amother

Azure

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 1:36 am

I did the regular shidduch thing, but DH didn't look so good on paper lol. I knew his family well so I gave him a chance anyhow, but my mother was less than enthusiastic at first. I didn't end up really discussing it with her and she was shocked when I told her I was engaged.

I feel bad about not involving her more, even if I was asking actual advice from someone else, but I didn't know how to deal with her hesitations at that stage in my life.

I have no regrets about getting married, one of the best decisions I ever made in my life BH!

amother

Violet

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 1:48 am

So by me it's a bit different as it was second time around. I already did all my research and wanted to meet him when I decided to involve my parents (just to give them the feeling that they also have a say ) . I'm chasidish if it makes a difference .
My mother supported me 100% while my father was totally against it and said it out loud a lot of times . He literally told me you are not marrying this guy (only cos of his chasidus)
My father only met him at our lechayim and right away became in love with him ... obviously !! And now denies that he never agreed to it cos he is still crazy over dh bh

rivkam

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 2:07 am

amother [ Violet ] wrote:

This reminds me of my MIL who was less than enthusiastic about one of my SILs due to the age difference. Now they adore each other and it's a good thing my BIL ignored his mothers advice.

amother

Sienna

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 6:52 am

In my case, it was dh's parents who advised against marrying me. I have divorced parents, one of them went otd after the divorce. My FIL was convinced we'd be divorced in 6 months. He was still telling dh before the chuppah it's not too late to change his mind. After Sheva brachos, my ILs cut us off and we haven't heard from them since. As to fils prediction? Bh, happily married nearly 15 years! Both of us are glad dh didn't listen, even at the cost of having parents in his life.

amother

Cobalt

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 6:56 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

Oh my gosh that's insane! Why would they do that??

amother

Wine

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 7:20 am

My parents don’t know me. I don’t have much of a relationship with them. I never shared my feelings, deep dark secrets, or emotions. I was always scared of my parents, of what they were thinking of me, of how they would react to what I would do. They are also extremely controlling and bullying.
That being said, I was scared to tell my (yeshivish) parents that I want a man with a plan. My parents wanted me to marry a long term learner who would eventually go to work when desperate. But I’m a planner, and I need to have some control over my life. I didn’t want to get to the “desperate” point. So, I always thought I was going to be an older single. To my parents, it was only acceptable to marry a man with a plan or working boy if you were older.
Bh Hashem was way too good to me, and I met my husband first try! My parents got confused with the information- they heard he was planning on taking the LSAT, and for some reason they assumed it was going to be in the far future. They forced me to ask him ON. OUR. FIRST. DATE. why he was planning on taking the lsat all together if he was going to be learning long term. Instead, I playfully got him into a conversation about law and what he likes about it. Part of the conversation was about the LSAT, which he mentioned he wanted to take in October (it was September when we met). I knew that you have 5 years from when you take the LSAT until it “expires”, so I told my parents that, but I left out the part that he was planning on taking it so soon. I also gave the impression that he’d be interested in going to the half day law school where he can learn during the day and go to school at night (Fordham? I forget), even though I knew he was planning on going to an Ivy.
Fast forward 5 years, and my darling, brilliant love of my life is a 3L in an ivy.
Boy we’re my parents livid when they found out he was applying! But I am thrilled with my decision. He’s perfect 🥰.

amother

Apricot

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 7:32 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

My parents don’t know me. I don’t have much of a relationship with them. I never shared my feelings, deep dark secrets, or emotions. I was always scared of my parents, of what they were thinking of me, of how they would react to what I would do. They are also extremely controlling and bullying.
That being said, I was scared to tell my (yeshivish) parents that I want a man with a plan. My parents wanted me to marry a long term learner who would eventually go to work when desperate. But I’m a planner, and I need to have some control over my life. I didn’t want to get to the “desperate” point. So, I always thought I was going to be an older single. To my parents, it was only acceptable to marry a man with a plan or working boy if you were older.
Bh Hashem was way too good to me, and I met my husband first try! My parents got confused with the information- they heard he was planning on taking the LSAT, and for some reason they assumed it was going to be in the far future. They forced me to ask him ON. OUR. FIRST. DATE. why he was planning on taking the lsat all together if he was going to be learning long term. Instead, I playfully got him into a conversation about law and what he likes about it. Part of the conversation was about the LSAT, which he mentioned he wanted to take in October (it was September when we met). I knew that you have 5 years from when you take the LSAT until it “expires”, so I told my parents that, but I left out the part that he was planning on taking it so soon. I also have the impression that he’s be interested in going to the half day low school where he can learn during the day and go to school at night (Fordham? I forget), even though I knew he was planning on going to an Ivy.
Fast forward 5 years, and my darling, brilliant love of my life is a 3L in an ivy.
Boy we’re my parents livid when they found out he was applying! But I am thrilled with my decision. He’s perfect 🥰.

This is adorable.

amother

Burgundy

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 8:47 am

amother [ Wine ] wrote:

Awesome.
I’m so impressed with you!!

amother

Silver

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 11:35 am

Complicated.

My parents did not want me to date my husband based on what they had heard about him.

I was living alone in Monsey at the time (for job reasons) so the Shadchan was able to put relentless pressure on me to go out with him without my parents knowledge.

I finally agreed to meet him just to get the Shadchan off my back figuring it won't work anyway and my parents will never know.

To my surprise he seemed nothing like I heard he was so I agreed to meet him again. My parents were not thrilled but once they heard I had met they did not stop me from seeing him further. They certainly did not tell me not to marry him.

Unfortunately after I got married I found out that he had been putting on a deceptive show while dating... My parents were right that I should not have met him... I should have told that very pushy shadchan lady that she can only deal with my parents.

amother

Tan

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 11:56 am

My parents and I agreed on how I should date and who I should marry, and BH everything turned out okay, but now we both agree - we were all naive and stupid and trying so hard to “be good” (Baal teshuva syndrome) that we lost our common sense. So they will never do it that way again. Yaaaay for eldest kids being guinea pigs, right?

For some people, it works.

But for me
• feeing rushed at 19 years old, especially living out of town so “no boy will ever come to date you”
• getting engaged after knowing one another for only 17 days
• deliberately avoiding contact until marriage — we barely talked on the phone out of “tznius”, and we lived on opposite ends of the country and only met in person 3 more times
• being emotionally distant on dates and even after engagement was “a good thing” (all yeshiva guys are kind of cold, right? If he’s too nice or enthusiastic or emotional, that’s not tznius and that’s bad, right? Love comes after marriage! Don’t hope for any romance!)
• marrying the first boy I ever dated (!!!!) because he was “good enough” and there were no glaring red flags

led to lots of issues down the line because I just wasn’t prepared or mature enough for that lifelong commitment.

At 19 I was smart and responsible and “a good girl”, yes, but I had NO CLUE ABOUT LIFE or what I actually wanted or even who I was.

So “my parents and I agreed at the time, but none of us would recommend it now”.

Thank god all my siblings did/are doing it with more sense of their individual needs rather than just “how it should be”.

amother

Natural

Fri, Sep 11 2020, 12:07 pm

I'm a BT.

My husband is FFB Israeli, no education, but a very motivated and hard worker (he broke the mold of his family). My father wanted me to marry a professional, a doctor, a lawyer, someone with a set plan. I married my husband knowing he had no money. My parents wanted me to date longer, for him to "prove himself," to us that he could get a job while we dated in America. (Who would hire someone for 2 months knowing he would go to Israel during our engagement??).

My husband proved my parents wrong, found a job a month after we got married. Is a very very hard worker and only wants to provide for our family and babies. My parents see how hard he works and do think hes a "good boy." As hard as it was (is?) for them to see that I didn't marry the type of man they envisioned, my husband is perfect for me.