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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:19 pm
My friend lent me an item for a few months that BH was very helpful for me and I would have liked to continue using for a few more months. Obviously it's hers and she can ask for it back at any time. She wants it back now in order to lend it to someone else who needs it. I'll give it back, it's hers. But why do I feel hurt?
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:38 pm
Because you're interpreting this as giving the other person preference over you, that she's "depriving" you in favor of someone else. I'm sorry you feel this way, but this is a good thing to happen now. Several months is quite a long time to borrow something. It seems you have gotten overly attached to this item and are starting to have a proprietary attitude to it. You also seem to be just a bit proprietary about your friend. You want her to do favors for you and not for anyone else. By holding on to her property, you deprive her of the zechus of lending it to others. This is a good time of year to work on the concept of 'sharing'.
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ChanieMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 4:41 pm
I suppose if she had known how much you need it, she would not have promised to someone else...

Although "I want to give it to someone else" also might be an excuse, because she feels that "I want it back" is not strong enough an argument.

Would you feel better if it was just "I want it back because I need it?"
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amother




Seagreen
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:01 pm
I understand you.
When I was in my seventh month, I ordered a custom made crib for our unborn baby, knowing it would take about 2-3 months for me to get it. A few days later, I went into labor and had my baby (9 weeks earlier than anticipated). We didn't want to buy a bassinet or portable crib since we already had a crib on order, so we asked a family member if we can borrow hers, as she was done with it. She was very happy to lend it to us as she had only used it for a bit and had it just sitting around taking up space. In the end, our custom crib took longer to deliver, and even after it came the porta crib was very convenient and we used her portable crib for around 3 or 4 months. We thanked her profusely and she kept saying no problem, it was just taking up room in her house, she's so glad it got used, etc. I don't remember if it was either upon return, or even later I found out that her good friend also wanted to borrow it, and she ended up buying her a porta crib. I wouldve returned it gladly had she asked, but I thought it was very nice that she let me keep it for such an extended period of time even if there was someone else that needed it more than me.
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:22 pm
ChanieMommy wrote:
I suppose if she had known how much you need it, she would not have promised to someone else...



OP didn't state that she needs it badly. She said it was very helpful, which is not the same thing. If you lend me your mixer or vacuum cleaner, it'll be very helpful and I'll appreciate it very much. But I don't "need"' it; I can still make challah by hand and sweep my floors with a broom or a carpet sweeper. OTOH if you lend me a wheelchair because my mil with mobility problems is visiting, I, or rather she, does need it. And even so, if you wanted to lend it to someone else after I'd been using it for three months, I'd have no cause for complaint. If you hadn't had the chair to lend, I'd have had to rent one. You still saved me three months' rental. And unless you gave it to me on permanent loan, I have no right to expect to use it for as long as I please. I have to expect that you will want it back at your convenience, not mine.

There's a reason why libraries have due dates on books, kwim?
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:29 pm
ChanieMommy wrote:


Although "I want to give it to someone else" also might be an excuse, because she feels that "I want it back" is not strong enough an argument.



Good point. I'll be honest with you: if I had lent something to someone and several months later she was still using it and making no noises about intending to return it any time soon, I'd be getting nervous and would probably say exactly this. Because if I just say I stam want it back and the borrower knows I have no use for it right now, I look bad. If I say someone else needs it, that's a "respectable" reason. Not that I should need a reason. The thing is mine and I want it back should suffice; I don't owe the borrower a reason.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:36 pm
I would not need it for more than a couple more months. She definitely does not need it and definitely is giving it to someone else who could use it the same way I can.

I understand the wish to give it to the new person - she feels she is giving and that feels good.

But as far as working on sharing, from her point of view, is it not as big of a mitzvah to let me have it longer vs giving it to two people for shorter?

I just feel bad that instead of returning with the heartfelt thanks I felt yesterday, I'm returning it with a bad feeling.
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amother




Puce
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:46 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
I would not need it for more than a couple more months. She definitely does not need it and definitely is giving it to someone else who could use it the same way I can.

I understand the wish to give it to the new person - she feels she is giving and that feels good.

But as far as working on sharing, from her point of view, is it not as big of a mitzvah to let me have it longer vs giving it to two people for shorter?

I just feel bad that instead of returning with the heartfelt thanks I felt yesterday, I'm returning it with a bad feeling.


Bad feeling? No heartfelt thanks for the months that you had the use of this item? Because your friend's generosity to you didn't last quite as long as you'd hoped, her previous months of generosity count for nothing? [Anon attack removed - mod]
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amother




OP
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:53 pm
No, it's not that she wants it back that's bothering me. It's that she wants it back to give someone else. Whatever. You're just confirming my thoughts, thanks. Wish you could talk nicely though
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zaq




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:54 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
is it not as big of a mitzvah to let me have it longer vs giving it to two people for shorter?



I wouldn't know, I'm not the KBH's accountant, but I would davka think not. If you had one loaf of bread and two hungry people, would you give a whole loaf to one and none to the other, or give each one half a loaf? The Chofetz Chaim says that when it comes to tzedakah, it is preferable to give less money to more recipients than a lot of money to one recipient. Meaning: if you have $100 to give, better to give $1 to 100 people than $100 to one person.
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amother




Burlywood
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 5:57 pm
It could be that she used the original date you offered it back as an offer to the new person and they were depending on it. Then she felt bad cancelling on the new person.
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amother




Papaya
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:27 pm
amother [ OP ] wrote:
No, it's not that she wants it back that's bothering me. It's that she wants it back to give someone else. Whatever. You're just confirming my thoughts, thanks. Wish you could talk nicely though


Hi OP, you seem pretty self aware & are picking up that even though you are feeling hurt, it does not seem justified in this situation. Sometimes our feelings can be less than rational & we can sort of notice them & let them go without indulging them. In this situation, your feelings do come across with a sense of entitlement & it may just be worth researching buying this item for yourself so that you can enjoy it wholeheartedly. You can also take comfort in knowing you contributed to the mitzvah of sharing this item with the next person down the line. Your friend did you a solid by lending it to you & at least outwardly, it is best to thank her & move on from it.
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amother




Copper
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:34 pm
I don't know what it is, maybe she feels she helped you with it long enough and if you still want it buy your own?
I would have no problem making dinner for 14 new moms -one a night for 2 weeks but if I was asked to make dinner for someone for 2 weeks (same 14 meals) I would feel imposed on.
She lent it to you and now it is the other person's turn. If there is a rocking horse in nursery school, everyone gets it for 5 minutes. One kid, abet they are still enjoying it, does not get to use it for a full hour.
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amother




Chartreuse
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:38 pm
I had this situation with my Doona. I lent it to come one knowing she would love it and figured for a few months why not. Then asked for it back when the baby was 6 months so I can give to someone else. I thought it was very nice of me still, but I think she felt bad and wanted it for longer...
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amother




Brunette
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:56 pm
I hear you.
I had something similar; someone gave me something- I thought it was given to me permanently since she was finished with it. Then she asked for it back a few months later so she could give it to her friend. It made sense- her friend did need it more than I did at that point. It did feel weird for a second, but at the end of the day it made sense and it's well within her rights.
As far as whether it's better to let you keep it for longer: I always learned that it's better to give less to more people than more to less people.
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amother




Dodgerblue
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 7:58 pm
What item is this? Maybe someone here can lend you another one. Maybe I have this item to lend you never know.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:16 pm
I understand your feelings, as well as your recognition that they are a little unfair. Here's the thing. If you needed something (a breast pump, perhaps?) for this long, you really ought to have bought your own.
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Stars




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:21 pm
Is it a luxury item?
Perhaps you can save up to get one of your own?
If it’s more of a necessity and too expensive for you to buy, maybe make a post here with your location and the item you need. You never know if someone has one laying around.
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WhatFor




 
 
 
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:23 pm
I feel like if it's something that would ordinarily be used for a finite period of time, and it was lent with the understanding that they were giving it to you for that period of time to save you having to buy that product, then I totally get you.

Like if it's a kind of baby rocker that you might only be able to use for approximately 4 ms, and someone offers you their old rocker to save you having to buy a new one, then when your baby is 2 ms they're like I need it back to give to someone else, you can still feel grateful that they gave it to you for 2 ms but a bit weird/surprised that they're taking it back while you can still get use out of it.

But if it's something like a hand blender, I wouldn't expect that to have been lent for more than a 1 time use, to be returned within a few days or the week. Like others said, maybe the friend is the fake excuse in such an instance. But really there's no shame in saying, hey, I'm making a broccoli soup tonight, is tonight a good time for me to come by and grab my hand blender.
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amother




Green
 

Post  Wed, Sep 23 2020, 8:24 pm
Perhaps you can reframe instead of "she wants it back" to "its time for me to return something I with which I am not ready to part.
And it may have felt abrupt to you since it does not sound like there was an agreed upon time frame or somehow differing expectations on each of your part.

Good for you for trying to work it through since you do want to give it back with a fullness of heart and gratitude to her for lending it to you for however long worked for her for whatever the reason.
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