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She wants it back
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:17 am
Yes, it was something I would only use for a short while longer, and it's not worth buying at this point.

She asked me if I still really need it cuz she wants to give to the other person. I said I'm still using it but if she wants it back it's her right. And she said she wants it back to give to the other person.

I'll make do without it, just trying to work out my feelings.

I'm curious what you would all say from the other side.
"I lent my friend an item for a long term loan. Another friend could use it now. Can I take it from friend a in order to give it to friend b?"
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amother




Green
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:25 am
Good question.

I would reframe and decharge it and detach the narrative from the essence.

I borrowed x from Y.

Y wants it back.

I am returning it with thanks to Y for lending it.

If one must attach a narrative please also allow for the possibility that the narrative contains a mitigating fact or differs from your narrative. Such as lender is "in heavy debt" to second friend and feels compelled to reciprocate and answer yes to a request. Or its a family member who cannot afford to purchase said item or family comes first always. Or anything that helps you clear the air.

Like I would assume that unknown to me she must have a good reason for doing something that may not make sense to me.
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amother




Ginger
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:33 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes, it was something I would only use for a short while longer, and it's not worth buying at this point.

She asked me if I still really need it cuz she wants to give to the other person. I said I'm still using it but if she wants it back it's her right. And she said she wants it back to give to the other person.

I'll make do without it, just trying to work out my feelings.

I'm curious what you would all say from the other side.
"I lent my friend an item for a long term loan. Another friend could use it now. Can I take it from friend a in order to give it to friend b?"


Yes, ,she can take it from a to give to b, provided it won't cause a undue hardship.

I understand how you feel that having possession of the object gives you some kind of claim, but the truth is that you have overstayed your welcome. The object still belongs to her. And again, I think something that you are going to use for many months is really something that you should buy or rent for yourself.
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watergirl




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:41 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes, it was something I would only use for a short while longer, and it's not worth buying at this point.

She asked me if I still really need it cuz she wants to give to the other person. I said I'm still using it but if she wants it back it's her right. And she said she wants it back to give to the other person.

I'll make do without it, just trying to work out my feelings.

I'm curious what you would all say from the other side.
"I lent my friend an item for a long term loan. Another friend could use it now. Can I take it from friend a in order to give it to friend b?"

The other side of the coin is a great way to see things. I think if the item's owner would post that, people would for sure tell her to let you keep it until you are done with it.

I wonder about the person who now wants to borrow it. If she were to post "I want to borrow this item from a friend. A different person is borrowing it now and she needs it for 2 more months. Can I ask the friend to take it back from her so I can borrow it now?" what would people tell her?

In general, I think everyone reading this thread gained from your situation in some way, so thank you for that. Lending/borrowing something long term (ie more than a week) is a hard thing to do on all fronts. Unless it is from a loan gmach, I would say from here on out, anything you will need for more than a week should be borrowed from a gmach or bought second hand.

OP, I hear you. Sometimes feelings and logic are not in-line. Two things can be true at the same time. Yes, it is true that it is her item to request back when she wants to for any or no reason at all. And yes it is true that for some reason, you are having feelings. You came here to vent that nd thats ok too!

Gmar chasimah tovah.
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amother




Wine
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 8:53 am
There may be a need cheshbon you don't know about. Maybe the other person has a medical need, and no money for it. Maybe there was a commitment made that your friend didn't expect to overlap but did. Maybe she made an offhand remark that she didn't see as a commitment but the other person did. It sounds like your friend feels caught and stuck, and was gauging needs in order to decide.
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Raisin




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:11 am
I also think that when lending an item out, consider it forever. If you want to lend, imagine you either won't get it back, or it will come back in not great shape. Ditto when borrowing, I would rather not borrow an item that needs to be given back at the owners whim, in the same condition.
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NotInNJMommy




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:25 am
It's ok to have feelings that don't meet our desires for our middos. It's ok in that we're human and not malachim and yeah, we have feelings and yetzer hara and all that stuff. Remember that feelings come and go, and do right at least on the outside, etc. Our insides and outsides don't always match, and that's normal. It's actually really great that you feel uncomfortable about it because it shows you want to improve your middos.
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amother




Yellow
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:35 am
Raisin wrote:
I also think that when lending an item out, consider it forever. If you want to lend, imagine you either won't get it back, or it will come back in not great shape. Ditto when borrowing, I would rather not borrow an item that needs to be given back at the owners whim, in the same condition.


Learnt this the hard way. I had a neighbor often borrowing products from me, silly daily things, and she either forgot to give back or returned a different brand cuz that was cheaper. My husband and I decided, we're giving it. If she returns, it's a bonus. Like that there's won't be hard feelings if we don't get it back.

When I once borrowed a car seat from a friend, cuz at the time I didn't have money to buy a new one, I asked my her, you sure you won't need it, right? I didn't use it a full year, but it lay in my house after using. When I finally washed everything out, I saw it looks worn out, I offered to pay for a new lining/hood, and she refused to accept.

Gotta be careful and know what you're in for when lending and borrowing.
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cbsp




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 9:36 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes, it was something I would only use for a short while longer, and it's not worth buying at this point.

She asked me if I still really need it cuz she wants to give to the other person. I said I'm still using it but if she wants it back it's her right. And she said she wants it back to give to the other person.

I'll make do without it, just trying to work out my feelings.

I'm curious what you would all say from the other side.
"I lent my friend an item for a long term loan. Another friend could use it now. Can I take it from friend a in order to give it to friend b?"


I just reread what you wrote and I'm thinking....

Is it possible that your unsettled feelings are because the" social dance" didn't go the way you (subconsciously) expected? She did ask if you're still using it, you said yes but obviously it's hers to do with as she wishes. Most of the time, the answer would be "oh, ok, just checking, please use it until you're finished" where here she heard you say you're still using it - and she still said "ok, I need to give it to someone else"

I'm not saying it's not her prerogative to have done so. I'm saying that the way it was done opened the door for you to confirm that you're still using it - and she still decided to take it back. So that left some cognitive dissonance...
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SixOfWands




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 10:54 am
amother [ OP ] wrote:
Yes, it was something I would only use for a short while longer, and it's not worth buying at this point.

She asked me if I still really need it cuz she wants to give to the other person. I said I'm still using it but if she wants it back it's her right. And she said she wants it back to give to the other person.

I'll make do without it, just trying to work out my feelings.

I'm curious what you would all say from the other side.
"I lent my friend an item for a long term loan. Another friend could use it now. Can I take it from friend a in order to give it to friend b?"


In your original post, you suggested that the loan was for a few months, but you kept it longer, and would like to keep it longer still. Your friend is well within her rights in asking for it back after the originally anticipated period, even if you want it longer, and even if its to lend to someone else who may in fact have a much greater need.

But it may depend on the item. Eg, a wheelchair, borrowed in anticipation of a few weeks of rehab, but things didn't go as well as expected, and the borrower still uses it daily. I'd feel REAL bad asking for that back.
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imasinger




 
 
 
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:01 am
cbsp wrote:
I just reread what you wrote and I'm thinking....

Is it possible that your unsettled feelings are because the" social dance" didn't go the way you (subconsciously) expected? She did ask if you're still using it, you said yes but obviously it's hers to do with as she wishes. Most of the time, the answer would be "oh, ok, just checking, please use it until you're finished" where here she heard you say you're still using it - and she still said "ok, I need to give it to someone else"

I'm not saying it's not her prerogative to have done so. I'm saying that the way it was done opened the door for you to confirm that you're still using it - and she still decided to take it back. So that left some cognitive dissonance...


This!

If you want to stop harboring resentment against her, think about what you might have said to state your case more strongly.

"It's been so helpful to me, and it would be hard to find a substitute for just this short time longer. Of course it's yours, but I just want to say I'm still really using it and appreciating it."

You can even call her and say it now, if you think it's the right thing to do.

That being said, my advice to find another to borrow for a short time can work, too.
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amother




OP
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 11:08 am
cbsp wrote:
I just reread what you wrote and I'm thinking....

Is it possible that your unsettled feelings are because the" social dance" didn't go the way you (subconsciously) expected? She did ask if you're still using it, you said yes but obviously it's hers to do with as she wishes. Most of the time, the answer would be "oh, ok, just checking, please use it until you're finished" where here she heard you say you're still using it - and she still said "ok, I need to give it to someone else"

I'm not saying it's not her prerogative to have done so. I'm saying that the way it was done opened the door for you to confirm that you're still using it - and she still decided to take it back. So that left some cognitive dissonance...


YES!

Thank you!!
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amother




Blue
 

Post  Thu, Sep 24 2020, 2:52 pm
I had a similar situation.
I borrowed a baby swing and my baby was still using it when my friend told me she wants it back because she is giving it to her cousin who can't afford a swing.

The cousin had not asked for a swing but my friend didn't need the swing anymore and thought it would be a nice thing to give to her cousin.

My baby was so dependent on the swing and it made my life so much easier but I wasn't going to buy one since he was already 5 months old.

I remember it was very hard for me to give the swing back and I wished she would have let me keep it for another month or two.
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