Letters to the Editor: Ridiculous Edition

ExtraCredit

Sun, Oct 18 2020, 11:19 pm

Dear editor,
I wanted to share with your readers a segula that works bodekes umeesa. I had discovered a cluster of ants in my top cabinets. The top cabinet that’s third from the left. Wait, no the fourth from the left. No wait, it’s the third. Sorry. Anyway there were about 282 ants circling a piece of what looked liked a half bitten cookie. The first thing I did was pour soy sauce on them. They immediately stopped crawling. It was like a miracle. Then I covered them with a spritz of ketchup, worcestershire sauce and vinegar for good measure. Low and behold, they all died. Thought your readers would appreciate this segula.
You’re welcome,
Helpful in hazmat

liveandlove.ima

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 12:19 am

Dear Editor

Issue #9543 Page 64-65 had an article praising highly about a specific baby crib, claiming it is made in turkey, designed in france, imported from italy, packaged in Afghanistan etc etc details I cant even remember... So ofcourse, me being the best mom I ran the very next morning and (first took out a loan and then) bought this amazing beautiful work of art crib but to my dismay my baby is at all not amazed! she is crying through the night just like she used to, in her little old made in china junk. I feel like you fooled me! Crying

A sad mom

Sunny Days

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 12:28 am

Dear editor,

I’m not usually the type to write letters, but I couldn’t let this pass. Do you know what laughter you caused here by your letters? Did you know that since churban bais hamikdash l”a we are not supposed to laugh like this???? It’s mamash a litzei litzanes & now what! You’ll still charge me for laughter therapy? Mamash a bruch uif Columbus faren andeken America.

Please please put trigger warnings first to mask up. 2 masks each, once for shumer & one for zucher this way we will not laugh with such a full mouth and not ch’v be uiver.

Thank you
Sincerely
Lachi in chuckleland

soap suds

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 1:06 am

SuperWify wrote:

Dear editor,

I’m horrified that you allowed a certain ad of horrific proportions past your strict censors last week. Truly a magiefa of epic and pandemic-like proportions.
No I’m not talking about COVID-19.
No I am not talking about Covid-20.
Yes, they are scary and unknown illnesses that can have a detrimental effect on our bodies and society as a whole.
but what I am talking about is a serious disease on ones soul and the souls of every single person on this planet. I AM talking about the horrific sheitel ad you allowed in your once-holy (not anymore..) magazine.
The glossy ad featured a glamorous sheitel- long AND blonde. This is extremely and horrifically problematic because:
1. If chas v Shalom A woman who covers her hair correctly (ie- with a double tichel headcovering which comes down to her eye brows of course) sees this she might feel even a teeny tiny twinge of regret for the mitzvah she does and might cvs have a split second thought to downgrade her headcovering, her royal crown. Cvs. Lo aleinu. Poo poo.
2. If a male member of Klal Yisrael sees this glossy hair on the advertisement he might have cvs feelings that might cvs cause him hirirurim raaim that might cvs chase him to think about the head (Not shown) wearing these glossy Locks or even cvs the body that holds the head. Cvs. Lo aleinu. Poo poo.
(And for obvious tznius reasins we won’t go further. V”hameivin yavin 😉)
3. In the unprecedented unpredictable and turbulent times such as these we need all the zechusim we can get. STOP BEING THE CAUSE OF THIS PANDEMIC. Stop the unlawful promotion of treif sheitels.

Sincerely, Reb PLS Frank of TSFTPOOS (the holy society for the promotion of the obvious obliteration of sheitels)

Dear Editor,

I'm writing in response to Reb Frank's letter about the horror of sheitel ads. It's really beyond me how your editors could have missed the fact that the acronym CVS appeared 5(!) times in this letter (once under #1 and 4 times in point #2). We all know what CVS represents. Everyone who has ever shopped at CVS is aware of the unusually Loooooong receipts they are (in)famous for. How anyone can think of putting the acronym CVS in the same paragraph as the world sheitel is mind boggling. Especially coming from someone who proclaims herself to be part of the anti-sheitel movement. One would expect a representative of the holy TSFTPOOS to be more careful about her acronym usage.

Chana Vichna Stein, Long Island

PS I humbly suggest that all of us true Yiddishe Mammas boycott CVS until they take upon themselves to shorten their receipts.

soap suds

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 1:08 am

amother [ Slategray ] wrote:

Bubby 6, you know that I'm really not the type to give back tit for tat but as long as we're on the topic of "smartness"...
My girls and I have been keeping our footwear in the oven for as long as we've been baking our kokosh cakes, simply because it's where we hang out the most.
So not to chas vshalom burst your bubble but your brilliant idea wasn't really a chidush.
PS. How I wish I could bake those 40 babkas! But since your dear niece has started sewing lessons, I mamash can't find my Bosch under all that velvet and elastic! I'm sure Mommy will understand.

Ahh so that's why everyone's always (pregnant and) barefoot in the kitchen. Because their slippers are in the oven!

amother

Aqua

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 1:21 am

gamzehyaavor wrote:

One for (long forgotten) Schumer and one for Zucker.
And no one will be laughing anymore.

amother

Beige

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 1:29 am

Dear Editor,

Although your magazine professes to offer quality entertainment to our families, I was dismayed and disgusted when perusing your most recent edition.

I had hoped that as editor, you would take personal responsibility for proper grammar and spelling in your publication. I was therefore scandalized to notice no less than TWO egregious errors in the article on page 13.

Firstly, there was a case of the unnecessary apostrophe in "its," a terribly juvenile error. Then there was the even more appalling "viola," as a terrible defacement of the beautiful French "voilà."

Please take more care in the future. These types of careless errors are what plague my 7th grade English class, and now I know where they get it from.

Sincerely,

Mrs. Persnickety

liveandlove.ima

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 9:23 am

Dear Editor

Recently you opened a new column where people from around the world can open up and write all their issues and concerns in regards to your publication, which is a good thing, then also bad. because ever since then I see myself focusing on all your bad stuff people address and that makes me sad, you should really start sharing only open letter of positivity, like this one.

See im only writing you because this issue is real and im truly bothered about it, I can go on for days, of how I spent sleepless nights thinking about Mrs Persnickety and her grammar, Or Chana Vichna Stein from Long Island, look she can never shop at CVS again. Or say Lachi in chuckleland how is she still laughing?!

Look I know you mean good but I feel you betray our community

A Reader,
Becoming Editor

amother

Brown

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 9:57 am

Dear Editors

I wanted to make you aware of the nichshal you cause people in bosor becholov. I often eat whilst reading the magazine, and you don't have any warnings when you are about to show or mention food.
I end up drinking my creamy coffee and fantasizing about a fancy brisket, or I am scavenging leftover farfel and chicken whilst looking at these delectable milky deserts.
Please, please put a warning on a page before a food ad/recipe/ or even mention in an article, with the genre of the food, so that I can avoid being nichshal on this very fundamental mitzvah.

Concerned about kashrut in Frankfurt.

amother

Taupe

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 12:27 pm

To Whom It May Concern:

I have never written in to your magazine, but this time I couldn't control myself.

As I was reading your beautiful Yom Tov supplement, I couldn't help but notice a seemingly minor comment that must have snuck past your Rabbinic committee. In the story, "A Simcha Subdued", Raizy was getting ready for a date. "I think I'll use blue eyeliner," she mused. "Yossi had mentioned that his favorite color is blue." (p. 27, second to last paragraph)

It is truly inappropriate for a girl in shidduchim to think along those lines. I'm surprised the rabbis didn't catch it.

Thank you,
DS
Mother of girl in shidduchim

ExtraCredit

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 1:49 pm

Deer Eriter
My mudder was reedin yoor noo megezeen she laft so hard she cooft and cooft till she joked. I callt hazoole and they tuk her to the hozbitle. Plees make shoor it dozent not never happen to anywun els. Plees daven for my mudder. Her name iz mommy. I’m not alata say her reel name. It’s not dacherets.
Luv mutty
Psssss. Theers a stikee mess in are top thoord cabinit. Full of flys and bees are coming to eet from the stikee mess. Can yoo send sumwun to cleen it? I cant not reech. Thangs. By.

SuperWify

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 3:29 pm

soap suds wrote:

You got me. 😂 LOL

I hate those receipts as well.

But how about we stop going to CVS and stop seeing the pritzus they advertise?

Let’s only shop in Frum stores!

Reb TSFTPOOS

SuperWify

Mon, Oct 19 2020, 3:33 pm

ExtraCredit wrote:

Dear editor,

Last week you printed a letter that was so hard to read and understand I got a migraine trying to figure it out.

It hasn’t gone away- I’m in bed for over a week- and I’m afraid I’ll have to sue you for damages.

My head is pounding and I can’t see. My kids are screaming the house is a wreck and IT STILL WONT GO AWAY!

Please forward all monies earned to the attached address.

Miriam Moselstein with the migraines