Need advice from full time working moms

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 12:03 am

I have 2 adorable little kids and work full time at a very demanding job. By the time I leave work I am exhausted and many days I leave work with a pounding headache. I go straight from work to pick up the kids from the babysitter, and I have no strength left. Even buckling both of them in and out of their car seats is draining. We come home, I drop my bags and their bags on the floor, and I feel like collapsing myself. All I want to do is close my eyes, except I can't even sit down or go to the bathroom because my kids need me. I hug them and kiss them and play with them for a few minutes, but sometimes I just feel like crying. How does everyone have so much energy? Also my toddler is a difficult child (yes I know all kids are hard, but she specifically has a whole bunch of issues, they are being taken care of slowly but she is still very difficult).
The next few hours until my husband gets home are endless. My patience is very low and I get very frustrated with my daughter. I try making supper with my eyes closing and my head hurting, my daughter is either pulling my skirt and kvetching, hurting the baby, or destroying something in the house.
By the time hubby gets home I am totally done Sad

Can't even give him the proper attention he deserves. I hate it. I dread coming home from work each day. I need help and I don't know what to do. I don't go to sleep crazy late; and I do try to get to bed earlier so that I can feel a little better the next day but then I get resentful because nighttime is the only me time I have.
How does everyone have energy for their kids after work? Is there something wrong with me? I feel like I can't do this anymore Sad

Please don't criticize me. I just need advice/chizuk

amother

Indigo

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 12:08 am

Coming home is exhausting. No minutes to yourself just makes things unmanageable.
I've learned to use the bathroom before leaving work. Eat a snack on the way home. To prepare dinner before the work week begins and set it to cook the morning of. Coming home to dinner is a lifesaver.
I come home and undress immediately or else I'm too tightly wound up. Serve the ready dinner and just sit. That way they're taken care of. Let everything else slide.
It's brutal. We're here with you.

amother

Khaki

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 12:14 am

That all sounds incredibly challenging!! You’re being so hard on yourself assuming other women have more energy than you. I would be so exhausted it that was my schedule. Give yourself some credit, girl! You work full time, pick up 2 kids, make dinner while watching them...? Wow!! I don’t know how to make it easier for you, just know we’d all be feeling as tired, burned out, and in need of me time as you feel. There’s nothing wrong with you.

amother

Sienna

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 12:16 am

I feel with you. I have one child and am currently preg with my second. Working full time is very stressful. Try to keep suppers simple and prepare in the morning if possible. Also, I would advise cooking double suppers at a time and serving leftovers. Personally, I cook supper 3 times a week- each time cooking double the serving size that I really need. That way I have enough left over for another day when I am not in the mood of cooking. Try to take care of yourself! Hire a babysitter or have your husband take care of the children once a week for an hour, so you can go out on your own and relax! Good Luck

amother

Lime

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 12:19 am

Don't feel bad,. it's normal to feel this way. They will grow up and things will be easier, hang in there! In the meantime, make dinner time simple, could be boiled eggs and cut up veggies, or put everything in the crockpot, don't over do it. Maybe get them stickers or something to keep them occupied while you cook.

Good Friend

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 1:36 am

My schedule is a little different but also exhausting and overwhelming. I also have 2 toddlers. I'll second what others have said- having meals ready to be warmed up helps a lot. Makes me feel less stressed, and can focus on the kids, and they "help me" set the table while supper is warming up. Part of my job is teaching in the late afternoons. I get home at 6 and need to serve supper half an hour later.
My meal prep short cuts include:
Hamburgers: mix 6 lbs ground beef with the other ingredients (eggs, matza meal, etc.) about once in 6 weeks and freeze in bags. Defrost in the morning and when I come home it takes 3 minutes to form hamburgers and bake. Slice some veggies and serve with store bought buns.
Twice a week I serve soups with supper. I make those in bulk about once every 3 months and freeze in containers.
Pasta with sauce and cheese can be made in one step by mixing pasta, water, sauce and cheese and baking at 425°f for 40 minutes. (Serve with store bought veggie mix and soup from freezer)
Tuna patties made in bulk and frozen, served with rice and veggie salad
Also I don't know if this applies to you but because of where I live we arrange our own shchita and so we get the chickens whole, no cut ups. So I serve chicken breasts on Wednesdays as stir fry with veggies and rice, and while I'm at it I clean the rest of the chicken and freeze, and serve it for Shabbos. That saves a step on erev Shabbos because the chicken is already cleaned and cut.
Those are my weekday supper shortcuts.

Hatzlacha! Definitely with you in the no break with little kids stage!

Teomima

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 2:02 am

When I was at that stage, I would do very, very, very simple Israeli style suppers (omelettes and cut up veggies), leftovers, or cook for in advance and leave it in the fridge till supper.

Then basically we'd spend the entire evening sitting on the living room floor. The kids could play, crawl over me, whatever. Their books and toys would be out everywhere, the room was baby proofed, and as long as I was there on the floor with them they were getting all the attention they needed/I was capable of giving them. I'd even lay down right there on the floor if needed. We'd eat supper on the floor if needed. But everyone was safe and fed and alive and (mostly) happy so I consider it a success.

Last edited by Teomima on Mon, Nov 16 2020, 2:16 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Cyan

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 2:10 am

Advice offered above is excellent.
I'm very pregnant now and absolutely need to sleep when I get home from work. I hired someone to come watch kids at my house from time I get home til DH walks in, 2 hours. I'm also doing suppers that only require heating. Today was pre-breaded fish, tomorrow chicken nuggets and French fries. My helper will also help warm the food and feed the kids. BH she has energy when I don't.

amother

Mistyrose

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 4:25 am

I remember that stage too.
I would pick up the kids at 5:45 get home around 6 to the little voices, I'm SO hungry what's for dinner. I would cry.
Some things that helped.
1. I would psychologically get myself ready on the car ride to get the kids. I would remind myself to speak calmly and nicely to the kids. I would ask them how their day was though at that moment I really couldn't care less. That actually helped.
2. I would take a minute to cut apples or put out popcorn. That helped with the kids' starvation complaints. It bought me the 20 minutes I needed to finish prepping dinner.
3. I had dinner already defrosted in the fridge. Just needed some microwaving. I had some of their favorites in the freezer at all times. Meatballs. Carrot muffins. Chicken. Each morning I took something out and put it in the fridge.
4. Remind myself it will get better. There were many more tears. Mine. But it passed.

DVOM

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:25 am

Reading your post brought back a lot of difficult memories. I had your schedule for many years. It's so soul smashing to be that busy busy busy. I felt like I could never catch up with myself.

To be honest, what helped the most was my kids growing up a bit, getting more maturity and independence. Also, my husband graduated, and is now around a lot more (for about 4 years we saw him only on weekends).

I couldn't afford more help, so some of the above mentioned (excellent!) options were not options for me. I don't know if it's an option for you.

Some of my best shortcuts:

We often went straight from playgroup to the playground. I would pack to-go dinner in the morning (sandwiches, sometimes dry bagged cereal and yogurt that I'd stash in the office fridge, carrot muffins and cheese sticks, and some fruit to round it all off) and take it out to be eaten while they ran around. This saved my sanity so many times. I could sit, get some sunshine and fresh air, come home afterwards with the kids fed and the house still clean. We would bundle up and do this deep into the winter. Being outside just made everyone happier.

I often made dinner plans with friends. We would meet after playgroup pick up at my house or theirs, and serve the kids something simple like noodles or scrambled eggs. We could give each other time to go the ladies room, take a 20 minute power nap, or just have some adult companionship and conversation. Those afternoons passed really quickly.

sara_s

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 6:27 am

OP- that used to be my life a few years ago. Looking back I have no idea how I did it. I felt constantly on the brink of collapsing.
I did find a mother helper for some days. I used to pick her up, and then stay in the car when she went in to pick up the kids, and then she gave the kids dinner when we got home. But it was still hard because the kids wanted me. Also there were many days she couldn't come, or cancelled. On those days I used to watch the clock, counting the minutes for my husband to come home. Dinner was usually yoghurt and cereal. I felt super proud of myself if I managed to make pasta or an omelette.
Nowadays, I am more aware of what I can and cannot do. We always try to have a mother helper, but on days it doesn't work out- my husband cancels his chavrusa and stays home to help out. I feel guilty but what can you do. I no longer try to push myself beyond what I can deal with.(If your husband is also working FT so I guess that's not possible for you, unless possibly you can play around with the time he starts and finishes? I know some couples wherw the husband leaves early in the morning in order to get home in time to help out)

amother

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 7:24 am

Awwww you guys are the best. Glad to hear theres nothing wrong with me.
Love the supper hack ideas and will definitely try them.
Wish I could hire someone to come help me or leave them at the babysitter a little longer but I already spend hundreds a month on babysitting so can't afford much more.
I feel a little better now thank you Smile

saw50st8

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 7:54 am

Are you sure that there isn't some underlying medical condition? I was like that and it turned out to be a chronic illness. Many women experience the onset of illnesses post partum.

Putting that aside, having young children is really difficult. Coming home at the end of a long day and then starting the next shift of work is exhausting under normal circumstances.

Figure out your biggest pain points and try to work around it. Is packing their bags every day difficult? See if you can pack up 5 bags on the weekend in a shopping bag, so you only have to pull out the bag and then put in another one.

Make easy, easy meals. Invest in a crockpot if you don't have one. Or buy chicken nuggets and frozen pizza. Or batch cook on the weekends.

momX4

Mon, Nov 16 2020, 8:02 am

Buy dinner once or twice a week. Order it in advance and pick up on way home. Pizza, burgers, takeout...

Prep a crackpot twice a week. Food will be ready as you walk into the house.

The other day can be sandwiches.

Im exhausted all week. I drive carpool once a week for hs boys. I take a nap before I drive it.

I spend lots of time with my kids on shabbos and Sunday. I also spend mornings with them. I wake up my hs kids and im in the kitchen when they leave to school. No reason why I need to be functional only at night, if mornings work better for me.

Most important, I drink a cup of coffee when I come home from work. It wakes me up a bit