Ff article on alcohol addiction

amother

Ivory

Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:07 pm

I've never seen men getting drunk on a random shabbos or yt either. I'm glad to be blessed.

Even though alcoholism isn't a challenge I've gone through with a loved one, I cried straight through that article. The dysfunction, shame, covering up, denial and most of all the loneliness were so similar to what I went through as a newlywed navigating my husband's serious but undiagnosed mental illness.

bshap

Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:17 pm

I read the article you are referring to. I am sure there is a serious alcohol addiction problem with in the young adults in Frum society. However I agree with another poster that the article was vague and the story did not flow, a lot of shock value thrown in and the way they painted the naivety of the girl and her thought process just did not add up. I felt baffled throughout and the fairy tale ending after all that.. not sure what the punchline was. It was a compilation of issues that are prevalent yet did not flow. Not sure who it was meant to bring awareness to..

amother

Rose

Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:31 pm

One thing that really bugged me (and again, I am sure either details were greatly changed or are a composite of different experiences) was how the wife in the article expressed great shock and even anger at people suggesting divorce, yet suddenly woke up and realized she must stop the trajectory after she discovered marks on her baby's body. That is such a serious and dangerous thing to occur, but it was almost ignored, just treated like a minor side point. That didn't seem to shake her up as much as the suggestion of divorce...or maybe it was just the way the article was written? But a tiny baby getting treatment that leaves marks on its body is in serious, serous danger, life threatening consequences.

amother

Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:47 pm

amother [ Rose ] wrote:

Maybe I need to read it again, but I don't recall anyone suggesting divorce. In fact, I felt that everyone was dismissing her concerns.

What bothered me is that she went along with his drinking and never said a word. Um..I think if I saw my husband getting drunk every Friday night I would literally pour the wine down the drain. I would confiscate the bottles and get professional help in dealing with it. I would not host bachurim. I think I would feel an acharyus to tell the yeshiva or the boys' parents. I would not be so meek. It sounds very unrealistic that she just stood by.

It also sounds unrealistic that this husband was open with her while dating that he had this issue in the past but has now been sober for a long time, but then boom- the first week after sheva brachos he was getting drunk.

I dont know anything about addiction but I would think it would take a crisis or stressful exper3ioce to get a sober man to go back to the bottle.

Having said that, I did not get the impression that the story was a composite of people. Truth is stranger than fiction and I do think it could have all happened to one person.

What did they mean with marks on the baby? I'm kind of naive, but I cant imagine what that means. Bite marks? Black and blue marks?

Just One

Tue, Mar 16 2021, 11:53 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Maybe I need to read it again, but I don't recall anyone suggesting divorce. In fact, I felt that everyone was dismissing her concerns.

What bothered me is that she went along with his drinking and never said a word. Um..I think if I saw my husband getting drunk every Friday night I would literally pour the wine down the drain. I would confiscate the bottles and get proffrsdional help in desling eith it. I would not host bachurim. I think I would frel an acharyus to tell the yeshiva or the boys' parents. I would not be so meek. It sounds very unrealistic that she just stood by.

It also sounds unrealistic that this husband was open with her while dating that he had this issue in the past but has now been sober for a long time, but then boom- the first week after sheva brachos he was getting drunk.

I dont know anything about addiction but I would think it would take a crisis or stressful experioce to get a sober man to go back to the bottle.

Having said that, I did not get the impression that the story was a composite of people. Truth is stranger than fiction and I do think it could have all happened to one person.

What did they mean with marks on the baby? I'm kind of naive, but I cant imagine what that means. Bite marks? Black and blue marks?

Marriage is a stressful transition, albeit a happy one. It can very well cause a relapse into addiction

lovingmommy3417

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 12:06 am

I didnt read the article, but my husband struggles with alcohol addiction. I will say that I knew going into marriage and we had very serious convos about it and I went to my husbands therapist with him.
I also was pretty naive though and didnt know how much was normal to drink for guys bec my father never drank growing up.
After several bouts of drunkenness I started taking it very seriously. My biggest wake up call was when he went out with friends for an event when we had a newborn and came back completely plastered. It was so horrifying and embarrassing. There have definitely been several times that I poured everything down the drain and didnt let him buy alcohol. I dont know how common it actually is, but its definitely real.

amother

Sienna

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 1:05 am

My husband used to get drunk every few weeks. Not every Friday night at all. Most of the time he just went to bed. Once in a while he did stupid things. And then on Purim he flirted with some students girlfriends and lost his job. There’s way more to this but I want you to realize that it doesn’t have to be every Friday night and nobody in my life would’ve guessed that this was happening to me every fifth or every tenth Friday night for years:(

amother

Jade

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 2:53 am

amother [ Sienna ] wrote:

I'm so sorry. That sounds awful

amother

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 8:53 am

lovingmommy3417 wrote:

I ask this with all due respect, but why would someone go into marriage knowing this?
After reading this article, my big takeaway is that when it comes to shidduch info, this needs to be looked into. I have dds in shidduchim and I never thought to ask this question, but now I definitely will!

seeker

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 4:51 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Nobody is perfect. Someone who had an addiction or other mental health issue, is honest and open about it, and worked through it with professional guidance may well be better prepared for a mature marital relationship than average people who want to think issues will never happen to them.

Of course it needs to be approached with all the caution of a sleeping dragon. But it doesn't need to be an instant deal-breaker.

HonesttoGod

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 6:00 pm

I didn’t read the article.
I do have to say that YES alcoholism is real in the frum community.
Every week there are kiddushim galore. The nicer the better. Alcohol of all types flow and no one watches who drinks what.

I personally know many men in my husbands circles who drink a LOT every shabbs and many if not all get at least slightly drunk. My husband actually took a step away from that circle when he realIzed what was going on.

It’s sad. And sickening too.

thunderstorm

Wed, Mar 17 2021, 6:07 pm

I just met a woman , who told me her DH gets dead drunk Friday night and sometimes it’s so bad that she drinks herself and she said “If we can’t beat em, join em”. So sad.
I also had two neighbors who got drunk every week. One on Friday nights and one on Shabbos day at the kiddush. The one that got drunk on Friday night was so so drunk one Shabbos he began pounding on our windows while we were asleep. We lived in a basement apartment. His wife was in total denial of the situation. She even told me that when they lived in Israel as a young couple they hosted bochurim every Friday night and the boys loved coming because her DH gave them alcohol and they would party into the wee hours of the night . She said the neighbors used to always complain about the noise and she thought the neighbors were being selfish. 🙈