Home

In town vs Out of town the official debate
1, 2  Next
 
Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> The Social Scene -> Chit Chat


View latest: 24h 48h 72h


keym




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:04 pm
I was raised OOT (though big city OOT) with kosher restaurants and several Orthodox schools. I moved to Lakewood when I got married and am very happy here, yet I still have a lot of family (my side and in-laws) in various OOT communities.
I laugh when people talk about no peer pressure OOT. Maybe it was just my city (though I'm doubtful) but we had lots of peer pressure. Piercing ears, contacts, high heels, makeup, curfews, getting licenses, big splash for bas mitzva vs small family party just to name a few.
My parents always say that they felt pressured to compromise and give in earlier than they would have wanted (makeup at 14 rather than 16, license at 16 rather than after I graduated) because it wouldn't be fair to make me be the only girl in my class at school Shabbos without makeup.

Thoughts, feelings.
I'm curious but please can we keep this a civil conversation.
Back to top

finprof




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:08 pm
All HS girls have peer pressure. Watch any movie ever! For the rest of the community, I think OOT communities like Chicago/Skokie, St. Louis ect have that more than smaller ones. When there is 1 Shul you have to get along- you have no choice!
Back to top

small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:09 pm
There is peer pressure everywhere in every town, community and group. The pressures are different based on thr groups. There is also different kinds of pressure, items, spiritual, frugal, money, health etc.

It's a personality how much it effects a person.

I think there are other pros and cons to OOT living other than pressure.
Back to top

keym




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:14 pm
Of course there's more to oot vs in town than pressure.
I was just laughing at some of the threads that seemed to smugly say OOT there's no pressure. And I was thinking not my experience.
Back to top

Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:26 pm
Or how oot's are so polite and Lakewood/BP people are all rude. My coworker who lives out of town told me seriously, no sarcasm, that out of towners are better people than in towners. I was like, you actually believe that? And she did.
Back to top

small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:35 pm
keym wrote:
Of course there's more to oot vs in town than pressure.
I was just laughing at some of the threads that seemed to smugly say OOT there's no pressure. And I was thinking not my experience.


It makes me laugh also. I have a lot of family OOT and we laugh about these attitudes together.
Back to top

small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:36 pm
Crookshanks wrote:
Or how oot's are so polite and Lakewood/BP people are all rude. My coworker who lives out of town told me seriously, no sarcasm, that out of towners are better people than in towners. I was like, you actually believe that? And she did.


My sister in atlanta likes to say in the south everyone is polite to eachother but behind their backs they are mean vs in the north everyone is straight to each other to begin with. Both have pros and cons
Back to top

applesbananas




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:39 pm
small bean wrote:
There is peer pressure everywhere in every town, community and group. The pressures are different based on thr groups. There is also different kinds of pressure, items, spiritual, frugal, money, health etc.

It's a personality how much it effects a person.

I think there are other pros and cons to OOT living other than pressure.


So true. Dh grew up in Baltimore and he and my entire in-law fam felt so much peer pressure and always lived above their means. I grew up in town and didn’t feel it nearly as much. Totally a personality. Scared for my dd who’s just like dh and notices what everyone has and is doing etc
Back to top

OOTforlife




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:42 pm
keym wrote:
Of course there's more to oot vs in town than pressure.
I was just laughing at some of the threads that seemed to smugly say OOT there's no pressure. And I was thinking not my experience.

You'll get better responses to this in an anon enabled forum, especially from people who are from the smallest OOT communities.

You said you were from a big OOT community with multiple frum schools, so there was likely less diversity in any one school. That is very different from an OOT community with only one or at most two community schools, where kids from the entire spectrum of the community go, including even kids from non-frum homes.

There can still be pressure for some things, like bicycles, that are universal, but there is a lot more leeway to be different because everyone already looks different.
Back to top

Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:43 pm
small bean wrote:
My sister in atlanta likes to say in the south everyone is polite to eachother but behind their backs they are mean vs in the north everyone is straight to each other to begin with. Both have pros and cons

That's funny I never heard that Smile
Back to top

naturalmom5




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:45 pm
Best line I heard was from someone whose father was a rebbe in Providence
Then grew up a dozen other places before coming to Lakewood

"In Lakewood you see the knives coming at you "
Back to top

keym




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:54 pm
OOTforlife wrote:
You'll get better responses to this in an anon enabled forum, especially from people who are from the smallest OOT communities.

You said you were from a big OOT community with multiple frum schools, so there was likely less diversity in any one school. That is very different from an OOT community with only one or at most two community schools, where kids from the entire spectrum of the community go, including even kids from non-frum homes.

There can still be pressure for some things, like bicycles, that are universal, but there is a lot more leeway to be different because everyone already looks different.


I hear that.
But some of the pressure I mentioned is irrelevant if observance level (contact lenses and licenses). And some things become a bigger issue when you have a large range.
Because I lived in the city with several schools- LA, Cleveland, Chicago, Detroit, it was ok that my tv-viewing was more controlled.
I had a good friend raised in Kansas City or Omaha (I don't remember) and her parents didn't really want any movies but she pressured them to allow her to watch Disney (of the 90s) so at least she had something to add to the conversation.
Back to top

out-of-towner




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:58 pm
Totally depends on the kid, the family, and the city. That's my short answer.
Back to top

chanatron1000




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 2:59 pm
There are different social norms in different places. Sometimes people who are used to the way things are done where they're from consider people in other places rude.
Back to top

OOTforlife




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 3:23 pm
keym wrote:
I hear that.
But some of the pressure I mentioned is irrelevant if observance level (contact lenses and licenses). And some things become a bigger issue when you have a large range.
Because I lived in the city with several schools- LA, Cleveland, Chicago, Detroit, it was ok that my tv-viewing was more controlled.
I had a good friend raised in Kansas City or Omaha (I don't remember) and her parents didn't really want any movies but she pressured them to allow her to watch Disney (of the 90s) so at least she had something to add to the conversation.

Right, I said some things are universal.

Regarding your point about pressure coming from a larger range, if the range is truly large, it should not be a major issue. If 1/3 of your friend's class watched no movies, 1/3 watched Disney only, and 1/3 watched Beverly Hills 90210, I doubt she would have been considered socially awkward for being in the first 1/3. She might have pressured her parents anyway, because she simply wanted to see movies (what kid isn't tempted?), but it wouldn't have been a question of major social consequences.

The very bare bones situation, where the only kids who keep Shabbos are the kids of kiruv families definitely creates social pressure on those kids, but that is not really an OOT community usually.

In my community, I don't get the sense that Chabad kids feel pressured to be yeshivish or MO or that MO kids feel pressured to be yeshivish or Chabad. There's a healthy size amount of all three and most of the kids seem to take it for granted that they are different.
Back to top

small bean




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 3:28 pm
Pressure doesn't end when you become an adult.

OOT adults still have pressure. Any group you belong to has some sort of pressure.

I have people in my life who are very into being frugal. I feel uncomfortable around them when they ask me questions. Like I have to excuse my Romaine lettuce. Or around very healthy people my pantry. This happens in every community in every place.

Your pressures just change bases on who you associate with.
Back to top

Crookshanks




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 3:30 pm
small bean wrote:
Pressure doesn't end when you become an adult.

OOT adults still have pressure. Any group you belong to has some sort of pressure.

I have people in my life who are very into being frugal. I feel uncomfortable around them when they ask me questions. Like I have to excuse my Romaine lettuce. Or around very healthy people my pantry. This happens in every community in every place.

Your pressures just change bases on who you associate with.

#imamother
Back to top

Aylat




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 3:35 pm
.

Last edited by Aylat on Thu, Apr 22 2021, 11:36 pm; edited 1 time in total
Back to top

shabbatiscoming




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 4:06 pm
I literally never understood when people say in town and out of town.
I never heard such phrases growing up.
How does one get to decide if one place is in town or out of town? Smile
Back to top

keym




 
 
 
 

Post Thu, Apr 22 2021, 4:09 pm
shabbatiscoming wrote:
I literally never understood when people say in town and out of town.
I never heard such phrases growing up.
How does one get to decide if one place is in town or out of town? Smile


Its funny that you say that. My parents in Midwest/West USA call anything on the East Coast OOT. So according to them, we in Lakewood are OOT, Brooklyn is OOT, Baltimore all OOT.
Back to top
1, 2  Next Recent Topics

Page 1 of 2 View latest: 24h 48h 72h


Post new topic   Reply to topic    Forum -> The Social Scene -> Chit Chat

Related Topics Replies Last Post
The Official Imamother Telephone Game! 1494 Yesterday at 6:23 pm View last post
Shlissel challa sparks important debate
by amother
19 Tue, Apr 20 2021, 4:04 am View last post
Looking to move, out of town kollel
by amother
46 Thu, Apr 15 2021, 9:24 am View last post
Did anyone have experience with global wig repair Five Town? 0 Tue, Apr 06 2021, 4:27 pm View last post
New to town. Need to find a pediatrician.
by amother
20 Mon, Mar 01 2021, 2:14 pm View last post