Dd 16 yo is very chutzpah to me

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:56 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I didn't say to do it.

I said to threaten to do it.

Even if you never do it, the fact that DD knows you have these recordings, might
make her more careful. She may hesitate to call you names, knowing that you may
be recording her.

She knows I will never do that. She is very smart. I can’t threaten something she absolutely knows I won’t do. Dh wanted to do that sometimes but I didn’t let him.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:56 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Disagree.

DD KNOWS she is hurting mother. She WANTS to hurt Mother.

She is probably hurting deep inside herself and this is how she is "protecting" herself.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:56 pm

I would tell her "You are Bullying and being Abusive"

and walk out of the room.

And tell her until she apologizes you won't speak to her, cook for her, do laundry for her,
chauffer her, give her $$$, buy her clothes.

A Parent has some power - use it.

Bullies and Abusers don't bully STRONG people - only those who are weak and helpless.

Last edited by #BestBubby on Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:57 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

She is probably hurting deep inside herself and this is how she is "protecting" herself.

Stop Excusing Abuse and Bullying!

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:58 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

So then make a statement "It seems like something I have done is bothering you. If you can talk to me about it without using hurtful names or disrespectful language, great. I would love to try and change to make things better/easier for you. But I cannot have a discussion with you this way. I love you and I am here for you dd." And then walk away. This way you set up a boundary and left the ball in her court.

She will say don’t talk to me. I don’t want to hear you. I hate you shut up go away. Don’t ever talk to me.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 12:58 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

The tighter you squeeze and try to control a teenager, the worse the backlash will be. Teenagers cannot be controlled.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:00 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Stop Excusing Abuse and Bullying!

No. This isn't "excusing abuse and bullying". It is trying to deal with behaviors in a way that won't cause backlash or completely ruin the relationship.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:01 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

I said that. I told her she is abusive and bullied me. She said shut up etc.... But I can’t not give her food. I did walk away and locked my room but I gave her dinner.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She will say don’t talk to me. I don’t want to hear you. I hate you shut up go away. Don’t ever talk to me.

Have you ever talked to a professional about how to interact with your dd? I think it would probably be very helpful to break down what is going wrong between you two. Even if she refuses to go to therapy. You can still probably benefit.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:02 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I said that. I told her she is abusive and bullied me. She said shut up etc.... But I can’t not give her food. I did walk away and locked my room but I gave her dinner.

DD is 16 - she can prepare her own food. You don't have to be her cook.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:03 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

She is probably hurting deep inside herself and this is how she is "protecting" herself.

She is upset that our house and I are not like her friends families

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I said that. I told her she is abusive and bullied me. She said shut up etc.... But I can’t not give her food. I did walk away and locked my room but I gave her dinner.

Has she ever gotten professional help to process and understand her unstable childhood?

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:04 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

DD is 16 - she can prepare her own food. You don't have to be her cook.

Her school is purposely gives a lot of homework that she stays up late doing homework and non of her friends make dinner. She won’t make dinner.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:05 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

I spoke to a professional in the past but didn’t get any advice that helped.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:06 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

The tighter you squeeze and try to control a teenager, the worse the backlash will be. Teenagers cannot be controlled.

You don't have to sit back and take abuse.

It may not stop the abuse but it will EMPOWER OP to not just be a victim.

Don't talk to her, Don't give her any $$$ for clothes, Don't Chauffer her, Don't do her laundry,
Don't clean her room, Don't give her a cell phone, Don't pay for Camp,

Tell her when she stops the Bullying, then we can resume the relationship.

But it is important to get DH on board before you do this - or he will give her $$$.

amother

Floralwhite

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is upset that our house and I are not like her friends families

Whenever my children, who are much younger, come up with something like this I remind them that as soon as they're 18 they can move out and do things their own way. Until then - my house, my rules.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:06 pm

amother [ Ultramarine ] wrote:

Has she ever gotten professional help to process and understand her unstable childhood?

She refused to go in the past. At this point even if you suggest her something like that she will scream at you.

amother

Stone

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:06 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Her school is purposely gives a lot of homework that she stays up late doing homework and non of her friends make dinner. She won’t make dinner.

She can make herself a grilled cheese. If she's really speaking to you like this at 16 it's not ok.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:07 pm

amother [ Floralwhite ] wrote:

Whenever my children, who are much younger, come up with something like this I remind them that as soon as they're 18 they can move out and do things their own way. Until then - my house, my rules.

But if they tell you to shut up after this speech what are you going to do.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:08 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Her school is purposely gives a lot of homework that she stays up late doing homework and non of her friends make dinner. She won’t make dinner.

She can eat cereal & milk, frozen pizza, granola bar, peanut butter sandwich.

But do not make her a hot meal while she is abusing you.

The abuse will NOT stop until YOU change the dynamics.

And even if the abuse does not stop, you will show that you will not allow yourself to be USED.