Dd 16 yo is very chutzpah to me

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:08 pm

amother [ Stone ] wrote:

She can make herself a grilled cheese. If she's really speaking to you like this at 16 it's not ok.

I can’t not make dinner she needs to grow up healthy. I had some health issues in my family and I’m very concerned about that.

amother

Plum

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:09 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She will say don’t talk to me. I don’t want to hear you. I hate you shut up go away. Don’t ever talk to me.

It won't be easy but you have to rinse and repeat until she sees you're serious.

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:09 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

You don't have to sit back and take abuse.

It may not stop the abuse but it will EMPOWER OP to not just be a victim.

Don't talk to her, Don't give her any $$$ for clothes, Don't Chauffer her, Don't do her laundry,
Don't clean her room, Don't give her a cell phone, Don't pay for Camp,

Tell her when she stops the Bullying, then we can resume the relationship.

But it is important to get DH on board before you do this - or he will give her $$$.

Or....
She will find other ways to get what she wants. She will find her own rides, her own food, her own money.
A 16 year old girl can do it, but likely won't be safe.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is upset that our house and I are not like her friends families

Ok. There it is. That sounds like a perfectly typical teenage gripe, especially considering your marriage history. Kids are not stupid- they pick up on everything and chap a lot more than we realize.

I really think talking to a professional is the way to go here. To gain perspective on what she may be feeling and how interact with her in ways that will open doors between you and not close any more than there are already closed.

Punishing her will probably not accomplish much except further push her away and cause her dislike/hatred/whatever feelings towards you to increase.

Be a broken record- "The way you are talking to me is unacceptable. I would love to talk to you but only in respectful language." And leave it at that. But honestly, it doesn't sound like she WANTS to talk.

An idea that might be helpful is writing her a letter addressing what you think is bothering her.... but I would talk to a professional to get guidance first.

tp3

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:12 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I can’t not make dinner she needs to grow up healthy. I had some health issues in my family and I’m very concerned about that.

Kids do not need to deserve dinner. No matter how they behave, home is the place they receive basics without needing to earn it.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:12 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

OP, try to avoid her as much as possible.

Go out with friends, go to the gym, stay in your room with a book, listen to a shiur.

That what I do. But I do see her when she comes home from school and eat dinner and when I drive her to school.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:15 pm

amother [ Navyblue ] wrote:

I am a broken record that she doesn’t want to hear. She doesn’t want any letter from me and idk what to write. She doesn’t respect me I think this is the source.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:15 pm

tp3 wrote:

Kids do not need to deserve dinner. No matter how they behave, home is the place they receive basics without needing to earn it.

A 16 y.o. is capable of cooking her own dinner. As long as she has access to food, it enough.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:17 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

That what I do. But I do see her when she comes home from school and eat dinner and when I drive her to school.

Don't eat dinner to her.

Don't drive her to school.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:17 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

A 16 y.o. is capable of cooking her own dinner. As long as she has access to food, it enough.

It won’t happen. She won’t cook dinner. She comes home very hungry from school. I need to giver healthy food. I won’t not do it.

tp3

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:18 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

A 16 y.o. is capable of cooking her own dinner. As long as she has access to food, it enough.

The more you push her away, the more you will prove to her that her reasons for her inexcusable behavior are correct. And the harder you will have to work to bring her closer.

amother

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:18 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

What are her friends' homes like?
Sometimes it's not just a teenage gripe.

She has friends from the best families in her class. Wholesome great families. Her friends are the best girls also.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:19 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

It won’t happen. She won’t cook dinner. She comes home very hungry from school. I need to giver healthy food. I won’t not do it.

Well, then get used to being abused.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

amother

Navyblue

Tue, Jun 15 2021, 1:19 pm

amother [ Plum ] wrote:

What are her friends' homes like?
Sometimes it's not just a teenage gripe.

I didn't mean it as invalidating to dd's complaint. I just meant that teenagers often compare themselves to each other, each other's families, etc and will be bothered by differences.

It could be a legitimate issue or could be something she needs to get over eventually, realizing families are all different. But I think the marriage history could be significant here.