Neighbor has crush on DD

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> Teenagers and Older children

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amother

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:20 pm

My neighbor's son has a crush on DD. She is 12 and he is about the same age. My daughter noticed this and mentioned it to me today. We are yeshivish and boys and girls are very seperate at this age. I want to speak to DD about it but I don't know what to say. Any suggestions?

amother

Broom

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:30 pm

Just keep a very keen eye on it.

Kids can get into soooo much trouble. (I know I did...)

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:30 pm

Explain to her that dating is for grownups who want marriage. Ask her if she wants to get married and have a baby right now. She'll say "no".

Then ask her if she doesn't see a future with this boy, why is she going to hurt his feelings, or have him hurt her feelings, when things don't work out?

Dating when you don't plan a future with someone, is just playing around with someone else's emotions, and it's not fair to anyone.

Definitely use logic when explaining things to her. You don't want to just forbid it, and end up with some kind of sneaky Romeo and Juliet thing going on.

You may need to have a talk with the boy's parents, too.

(I just watched an episode of Dr. Phil - I know, I was bored - where a girl got pregnant when she was 11 years old. She hadn't even gotten her first period, and didn't know she was pregnant until she was 6 months along and her mom noticed the girl's belly was getting big. When she delivered the baby she nearly bled to death, and coded a few times.)

bluebird

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:35 pm

What is your goal in speaking to DD? Do you want her to be aware of it and be careful of the boy? Something else? Just want to understand what your desired outcome is here.

Just please don't make it her problem. He's the one with the crush, she is not responsible for how he feels and acts.

FranticFrummie

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:37 pm

bluebird wrote:

Interesting point.

OP, how does DD feel about this crush? Is she flattered? Does she like the boy? Does she want him to leave her alone? Is he being stalker-ish?

amother

Carnation

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:41 pm

You need to explain that there is a time for everything in life. 12 years old is not the right time for her to be friends with a boy. It’s inappropriate in our circles. he He might be acting a little immature but she should be aware that it’s wrong right now.
A bas Yisroel should always protect herself to remain pure.

amother

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:42 pm

I want her to understand that this is normal but also that she should stay away. I'm just not sure how to explain this to a 12 year old girl. (My mother would never have spoken to me about this but I want to do better with my own daughter.)

dancingqueen

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:45 pm

bluebird wrote:

This.

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:45 pm

Wow, 12 is so young for a boy

12 year old girls are a lot more advanced than their same-age male peers

Yeah, idk, I think just avoid him

amother

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:46 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

Interesting point.

OP, how does DD feel about this crush? Is she flattered? Does she like the boy? Does she want him to leave her alone? Is he being stalker-ish?

She is flattered, not bothered, but also uninterested. He is doing things like speaking to her, when he knows he shouldn't, and sending his sisters to speak to her and report back to him.

amother

Melon

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:52 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

She is flattered, not bothered, but also uninterested. He is doing things like speaking to her, when he knows he shouldn't, and sending his sisters to speak to her and report back to him.

I'd talk to the boys mother about it.

bluebird

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:56 pm

In that case, this is a good opportunity for everyone to learn that girls/women are full-fledged people, not just objects of desire! Honestly I'd just tell her that. Smile

She can nicely tell the sisters to please stop asking her because she is not interested and that he needs to move on. I think that's hard for a 12 year old, so maybe practice some ways of saying it nicely through a third party? Or, if you're around when this happens, you can do the same.

She doesn't need to talk to him. She doesn't need to talk to his sisters. Just nod and walk away. Say "I don't want to talk about this any more". He'll get the hint, and if he's emotionally healthy the crush will resolve and he'll move on. Kids can't always control their feelings, but can learn appropriate behavior.

amother

Holly

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:57 pm

This sounds innocent. It certainly doesn't sound inappropriate. No reason to make a big deal out of it. Soon school will start and they'll both be busy. Obviously don't have her hanging out at his house and there's no reason for him to come over to yours, but I don't see any reason to make a mountain out of a molehill.

bluebird

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 8:57 pm

Also OP I like how you're approaching this. Smile

amother

Gray

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 9:04 pm

I think it's a great opportunity for a discussion.

Hashem made boys and girls attracted to each other. That's because marriage is very holy and we should want it!

However, these feelings usually begin around Bar/Bas Mitzvah, and nowadays we don't get married at that age anymore.

We should be happy to have these feelings, but we need to save them for the right time and place. The Yetzer Hara would be very happy for us to lose some of the kedusha of marriage by enjoying some of the closeness between a boy and girl even before actually getting married.

It's a challenge for both boys and girls, and it is our responsibility to help each other by not encouraging the Yetzer Hara. For example, if neighbor wants to talk to you, I understand you might want to talk to him too. He is a nice boy and it is normal to enjoy the company of another person, especially one that you might be attracted to.

But just like food without a good hechsher, it might taste good now, but you know it's not good for your neshama.

You might mess up, he might mess up, but that's part of becoming an adult - learning to deal with these feelings and to save intimacy for the holiness of marriage. When you notice yourself messing up, it just means you have to step back earlier.

There are also halachos like Yichud, that help us to stay out of situations that would make it harder for us to refuse our Yetzer Hara. We are careful about speaking to the other gender for the same reason.

It's hard now, because those feelings are strong and they are good, but IY"H you will enjoy an even more special time with your husband when you get married, and will be glad you didn't cheapen it by spending time with other boys beforehand.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 9:06 pm

bluebird wrote:

In that case, this is a good opportunity for everyone to learn that girls/women are full-fledged people, not just objects of desire! Honestly I'd just tell her that. Smile

She can nicely tell the sisters to please stop asking her because she is not interested and that he needs to move on.

Wait what? Talking to a girl is equivalent to treating her as an object of desire? We teach boys that girls are people by telling them only to interact with them when they're ready to, and incidental to the process of, select/ing a s*xual partner for life? I don't get it. I think there are more logical explanations to use for keeping a separation if that's what your community does.

amother

Yellow

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 9:15 pm

I'd go with your instincts. Yes, this is normal to feel this way. Yes, there's a time and place for everything. He's trying to figure things out and eventually will get there. She knows herself already- good. And if she's flattered, even if she knows it's not a thing that should be a thing, that's ok. If she finds him annoying, that's fine. If she finds him cute, it's ok; that can be true at the same time that nothing gets pursued.

Side note- I know some great shidduchim that happened years later after things like this.

And 12 is not young for a boy. By 12, the schools in our town are staggering dismissals so the middle school girls and boys aren't walking home at the same time, because there were real problems when they were.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 9:22 pm

Seems pretty harmless. You say you're yeshivish and boys and girls are very separated. How does dd know the boy has a crush on her? How many times have they spoken? Is it possible she's imagining it?

amother

Moonstone

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 9:33 pm

amother [ Yellow ] wrote:

I'm guessing you haven't had a 12 year old son yet. An healthy interest in girls, sure, but a real crush at 12, in a world where they are so sheltered, is surprising.

bluebird

Mon, Aug 02 2021, 10:43 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

I meant more in the sense that she does not have to reciprocate or be responsible for his feelings, at all. Just because he has a crush doesn’t mean she has any obligations to make him the focus, modify her dress/behavior to make it “easier” for him to not crush on her, etc. His feelings are his to manage, not hers.

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