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How to react to friend saying she spanks her kids?

 
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:05 pm
I’m horrified, I tried asking her why she does it...she kept telling me how hard her kids are, she gets so frustrated with them. She did have a hard upbringing, and thinks this is okay but it’s so not. I tried suggesting someone to help her but she doesn’t believe in parenting classes. Her kids are ages 5-15. What more can I do?
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:14 pm
Tell her that since she shared with you, you feel a sense of responsibility for her kids and since this is so not ok you will have to do something about it unless she commits to going for help or taking parenting classes etc.
Where’s her DH in this? Is he aware? Is he ok with it? Poor kids!
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amother




Taupe
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:15 pm
amother [ Moccasin ] wrote:
Tell her that since she shared with you, you feel a sense of responsibility for her kids and since this is so not ok you will have to do something about it unless she commits to going for help or taking parenting classes etc.
Where’s her DH in this? Is he aware? Is he ok with it? Poor kids!


If someone spans their kids (not beat them) what would you do?
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amother




Moccasin
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:17 pm
amother [ Taupe ] wrote:
If someone spans their kids (not beat them) what would you do?

Obviously there are levels. Normally I wouldn’t mix into other’s chinuch. But if OP brought it up here she probably means borderline abuse. I’d tell her DH, or other close family who can get involved, that she needs help since she’s damaging her kids.
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amother




Poppy
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:24 pm
First, empathize with her.

It's hard for people to hear their own mistakes pointed out, especially in an emotional situation, from someone that doesn't empathize with their experience.
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notshanarishona




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:27 pm
If I knew it was anything harder than with a hand or dangerous I would report to CPS (even though they are relatively useless). Child abuse needs to be dealt with asap.
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amother




DarkViolet
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:27 pm
Beats them with a belt/wooden spoon all over every day spanking or a light slap on the wrist once in a while?
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amother




Thistle
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:32 pm
Can you help her find the help she needs? Reach out to the schools for a chesed girl? Help her find after school childcare? She’s obviously suffering.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 7:47 pm
Before this thread gets out of control, maybe define what you mean by spanking? Does she do it when child does something dangerous like run into the street or play with fire? Or she spanks routinely when her kids get her nervous? Is she giving a slap on the behind or hitting in the face? Is she beating?

What exactly is she doing?How? When?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:05 pm
She’s hitting them on their arms and behind/thighs
Her husband knows about it, he’s super tough and probably hits too Sad
It’s when her kids get her nervous, argue and bicker etc
Not like when playing with something dangerous or running to street. That I’d hear more than this. I’m so horrified!!
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amother




NeonPink
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:08 pm
How did this come up in conversation? Did you witness it? Did she just confess randomly?
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:11 pm
amother [ NeonPink ] wrote:
How did this come up in conversation? Did you witness it? Did she just confess randomly?


Witnessed it and she’s also told me about it
Won’t be going over there with my kids again 😬
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amother




Sienna
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:13 pm
My neighbor hits her children. Drives me nuts. Not on a regular basis but still.

Then another neighbor slightly slapped her 3 year old on the face. It took all my courage not to say anything because I know it wouldn't help and she'd just be angry at me. She doesn't do it on a regular basis either, but I haven't gone to visit her since. Can't bring myself to.

I've come to realize that these people view hitting as a legitimate form of discipline. And they won't change their mind. They are mostly good mothers, give their kids love and attention and everything else but have this old school belief. I'm working on accepting that, but it drives me nuts.
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amother




DarkGreen
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:24 pm
I have a friend who gets extremely irritated by normal childhood behaviors and is verbally abusive Bec of her irritation. I can't stomache it and distanced myself from her (among other reasons) and because she would say "what is wrong with her" the kid was 3! I have no advice. It's hard to be both a friend and a voice for her children. I don't think you can be both.
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amother




Steel
 

Post Tue, Oct 19 2021, 8:33 pm
Depends what you mean by “spanking”..

There’s a big difference between a simple old fashioned hand spanking on the behind that many of us grew up with and being brutally beaten all over with a belt or other objects..

The first while frowned upon today and increasingly out of style is what even good mothers have done for hundreds of years.. The second is child abuse which must be stopped..
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