Mediocre accommodations or no guests at all?

amother

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:32 am

I’ve been a guest a lot before and after I got married. As a guest I’ve always felt uncomfortable if the house was dirty, (especially the bathrooms and kitchen), my bed was not made / the guest room was not cleaned and prepared before I arrived, they didn’t have food that I liked to eat…
Now that Bh I have a big enough apartment to have guests (sleeping and eating), I try to prepare for my guests as best as possible so that they’ll be comfortable.
Bh with little kids, I’m at a stage in my life where life is hectic, and it’s extremely difficult to find time to prepare for guests in a way that I feel appropriate. The guest room is my husband’s “office” and cannot be prepped until Friday. When I have guests I like to make a variety of foods to ensure my guests will have something they like to eat , but I have recently been trying to cook simpler foods so that I could have time for kids and basic household stuff. Bh my home is always sparkling at least 15 minutes before shabbos, but guests usually arrive earlier….
In my mind there are different kinds of guests :
Needy people- People who have no where else to go (seminary girls…), new families who recently moved in and don’t know anyone

And
People who come just for fun, as company

I don’t feel right not inviting the people who I consider “needy”, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I can host appropriately .
(Example: I live in Israel and is normal for seminary girls to be asked to bring their own linen, but I think it’s extremely not nice to do that. It would make it easier to have guests if I did that, but I don’t think it’s right. I’m embarrassed.

Is it better to host and not necessarily have a clean home when they come and their beds made and not have a variety of foods and risk having the guest maybe feel uncomfortable? Or not host at all if I can’t do it well?

amother

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:48 am

My husband says not all guests see things that way…. Beh my brother in law is coming for shabbos (no other siblings are here in Israel and for other reasons I consider him “needy”) and he is arriving soon. I feel like it’s so rude and unwelcoming to come and not at least have the room prepped …. I want him to feel comfortable coming over our home.

I did something dumb and dangerous this morning because I was so anxious about the room not being prepared before he arrives. I left my baby eating in the high chair as I went into the room ( a few feet away) to prepare and then she started coughing on tomatoes. In life in general now I’m trying to stop doing things I don’t really need to be doing (making challah…) in order to be more present with my kids and do what I really need to be doing. I should never have left my baby while she was eating.

I wish I could have prepped in advance. Life is just so hectic.

amother

Banana

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:51 am

OP, I think your sensitivity is great. And I also think you can break this down into primary and secondary issues!

Primary : to make your guests comfortable, your home should feel clean, I agree with you on that. And a reasonable choice of food is good - but you don't need to overdo it.

Secondary - it might be nice to offer linens, but better to have the person who's happy to bring them (it's very acceptable) than not invite.

You sound like a lovely sensitive person with a busy life, and hopefully people will appreciate being invited to be a part of that 😀

amother

Lightgreen

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:52 am

I don’t know, but I can relate to the question! I have many broken and uncomfortable things in my apt (hoping to move out of it soon)… weird layout (master bedroom is in direct line of vision to door and dining room table)… and many little kids ka”h such that it’s often hectic here and yes they make messes faster than I can clean them. When people want me to host them I always feel uncomfortable saying no. I don’t think I can make it a pleasant stay for them but when I try to say that, it just sounds like an excuse. But seriously: I don’t think sem girls want to stay in a place where the bathroom door doesn’t lock well etc. And yes I’m embarrassed. I can’t wait to live in a place where I can comfortably host.

imaima

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:55 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I think everything goes with a disclaimer!
Inform people in advance what to expect and then they can decide.

amother

Blueberry

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 4:59 am

I grew up in a home that was always ready for guests. I saw my parents doing hachnasis orchim for people from around the world and it seemed almost effortless. And then I made my own home and discovered that this mitzvah is not for me. My house is flying all the time. On a regular Shabbos for just my family I regularly end up still finishing cooking during the 18 minutes. I just am not domestic enough or organized enough to really welcome guests properly. I do have family sometimes and they just come right in and start helping because otherwise I can't do it all. They know me by now and that's just how it is. Actually, my cleaning lady cancelled on me again after not coming last week either and I've been procrastinating on my phone rather than tidying up which is what I meant to do since my parents are coming for Shabbos. I haven't even started cooking yet.

By the way, OP, I remember being a seminary student and finding a place to go every week was very stressful. I was happy to go somewhere with a fun family atmosphere and happiest when I was treated like family and given tasks to do rather than standing around feeling awkward. I loved pitching in to help chop veggies or bathe a small child or play with the kids to keep them out of the mom's hair for a bit. I didn't mind making my bed as long as the linen was clean.

zaq

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 7:29 am

Don't let perfect get in the way of good.
Given your fastidiousness, chances are that your "mess" is someone else's "fabulous."
Guests don't need a banquet with three mains, seven sides and three desserts. They need sufficient tasty food that's properly cooked. If it's "only" one main, one side and one dessert, their stomachs don't know the difference.
If the minhag hamakom is to ask guests to bring their own linens, go ahead and do so. They're used to this by now, and bringing their own linen is a whole lot better than having nowhere to go.

amother

Bluebonnet

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:04 am

My dd is in seminary this year and having such a hard time finding Shabbos hosts since we don’t have family there. She and her friends aren’t picky…they don’t care about the accommodations being perfect, they just like warmth and kindness. It’s not like the house she grew up in is sparkling and perfect! Our home is bH lived in!

P.S. it’s normal for the girls to bring their own linen, they expect that and my dd actually prefers it.

seeker

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:06 am

I think it's fine to host as long as you tell them what to expect so they can either opt out, come prepared, or not be disappointed. "I'm making a really simple Shabbos but would love to have you, is this week good for you?" Plenty of times I've been to people who asked if I can put on the linen, they're making the whole Shabbos, I'm happy to take that bit off their hands. Dirty kitchen or bathroom is a deal breaker though.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:14 am

OP, you don't need to make tons of food or fancy foods. Make what you usually make. Your home doesn't need to be sparkling, most people understand that you have little kids. Bathrooms should be clean though. I don't think it's proper for guests to arrive to a room that's not clean and the beds aren't made (if they're not bringing their own linen.)
You don't need to feel pressured to host, you can say no if you're not up to it.

amother

Melon

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:19 am

I'm also so torn about this.

I'm a good cook, but not very organized. Plus the bathroom my guests would use has a leak so the wall is stained and ugly.

I don't think my apartment is so messy, but my husband does and is embarrassed. Plus, having seminary girls at the table makes him cringe - he's less outgoing than me.

I sometimes wish I could host more, but my husband is uncomfortable about it.

I judge myself, and feel so much judgement from others (not specific people, but society in general. People, even on this site, say things like, why don't people invite me over when I'm new in town, etc. but I don't think it's right to make my husband uncomfortable for the sake of other people.

I feel bad saying no, especially when it's a sem girl who really needs a place, but what can I do?
Sorry, OP for hijacking your thread. But you're not the only one who struggles with this for a variety of reasons.

southernbubby

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:24 am

The Lubavitcher Rebbe was once asked the question by someone who was not in a position to prepare gourmet food and provide hotel like accomodations in regards to hosting guests. The Rebbe answered to invite those guests that were truly in need of and would appreciate simple accomodations.

Today, due to various forms of Airbnb, people of means are probably more comfortable in their own space than they would be with sharing the bathroom with a houseful of someone else's kids. My own neighborhood has the La Quinta hotel as well as lots of wealthy homes with private guest space so I don't feel like I have to host strangers in my two bedroom small apartment. They have better options.
I would, however, host friends and family.

Chayalle

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:41 am

I think there's a balance to everything.
As a seminary girl, I didn't need everything to be perfect when I was a guest. However, I did once have an unpleasant experience, staying somewhere that was dirty and unpleasant. I would rather not have been invited (I actually went with a friend whose parents knew these people from years ago, but hadn't really been in touch...and they invited her to come with a friend. Maybe they felt they had to - reciprocate type of situation where friend's parents had hosted them way back....). I had other places I could have gone.

I didn't mind much to put (clean) sheets onto my own bed in a relatively clean house, relatively decent bathrooms....I was happy to pitch in with kids, serving, clearing, etc...on a reasonable basis.

As a married woman, I've done lots of hosting. It's my good mazal to somehow always be situated near Simcha halls, both in my previous and current residence. I used to have a guest suite - separate guest room in private area with it's own bathroom - and now I don't. I'm still happy to host (bedroom near bathroom that my girls also use, it's spacious and clean, don't have little kids so things are pretty quiet and no big messes) but I find that people are looking for very private accommodations for their guests (separate suite) so I don't end up hosting as much as I used to.

amother

Pink

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 9:50 am

I feel in a way that you are doing a chesed for seminary girls etc davka by not having a perfect looking home. When they have their own small kids iyH and their shabbos isn’t picture perfect, they’ll know that it’s perfectly normal not to have it all together all the time.

In general, in the world we live in, where people try to portray their lives as perfect, I believe we are doing others a chesed when we show them that we aren’t perfect.

So let your kids spill soda on the floor at candlelighting time! Fight over seats at the table! Leave (store-bought) ices on the couch to melt!
#celebrateimperfection

amother

Opal

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 1:36 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

I feel in a way that you are doing a chesed for seminary girls etc davka by not having a perfect looking home.

I used to tell people that having the messiest house on the block was my contribution to the mental health of my community: I made everyone else feel so much better about themselves.
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No, not really. That's just what I told myself when things got really bad.