Mediocre accommodations or no guests at all?

amother

Daisy

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:37 pm

As someone who hosts a ton (guests almost every week and have ppl sleep here for neighbors), here’s what I do.
I have a whole bunch of sets of “bed in a bag” and there’s just a sheet, pillowcases and make the blanket neat. No duvet cover which is what really takes up time, and the entire thing gets stripped, put in the wash, dried, and put back on the bed. No extra steps and takes two minutes to make the bed and 30 seconds to strip after.
If I was busy with sets of linen and all that, I don’t think I’d host half as often.
Yes, the sets aren’t down blankets and super amazing, but they’re neat, clean, and comfortable which is all that’s needed.

amother

Mauve

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 2:48 pm

amother [ Pink ] wrote:

I feel in a way that you are doing a chesed for seminary girls etc davka by not having a perfect looking home. When they have their own small kids iyH and their shabbos isn’t picture perfect, they’ll know that it’s perfectly normal not to have it all together all the time.

In general, in the world we live in, where people try to portray their lives as perfect, I believe we are doing others a chesed when we show them that we aren’t perfect.

So let your kids spill soda on the floor at candlelighting time! Fight over seats at the table! Leave (store-bought) ices on the couch to melt!
#celebrateimperfection

The house doesn't need to be perfect looking for guests. The food and table don't have to be fancy. But the house/guestroom/bathroom shouldn't be dirty.

#BestBubby

Fri, Oct 22 2021, 3:20 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I’ve been a guest a lot before and after I got married. As a guest I’ve always felt uncomfortable if the house was dirty, (especially the bathrooms and kitchen), my bed was not made / the guest room was not cleaned and prepared before I arrived, they didn’t have food that I liked to eat…
Now that Bh I have a big enough apartment to have guests (sleeping and eating), I try to prepare for my guests as best as possible so that they’ll be comfortable.
Bh with little kids, I’m at a stage in my life where life is hectic, and it’s extremely difficult to find time to prepare for guests in a way that I feel appropriate. The guest room is my husband’s “office” and cannot be prepped until Friday. When I have guests I like to make a variety of foods to ensure my guests will have something they like to eat , but I have recently been trying to cook simpler foods so that I could have time for kids and basic household stuff. Bh my home is always sparkling at least 15 minutes before shabbos, but guests usually arrive earlier….
In my mind there are different kinds of guests :
Needy people- People who have no where else to go (seminary girls…), new families who recently moved in and don’t know anyone

And
People who come just for fun, as company

I don’t feel right not inviting the people who I consider “needy”, but at the same time, I don’t feel like I can host appropriately .
(Example: I live in Israel and is normal for seminary girls to be asked to bring their own linen, but I think it’s extremely not nice to do that. It would make it easier to have guests if I did that, but I don’t think it’s right. I’m embarrassed.

Is it better to host and not necessarily have a clean home when they come and their beds made and not have a variety of foods and risk having the guest maybe feel uncomfortable? Or not host at all if I can’t do it well?

For people in need like seminary it is better to invite even if mediocre.

Torah says יהי עניים כבני ביתך

Treat the poor like yr family

I.e. not better then family. if food and neatnesz (or lack) is good enough for yr. kuds its good enough for guests in need.

For company it is yr call.

amother

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 2:35 pm

Thank you everyone for your advice. I think I’ll have more menuchas hanefesh now.
To sum up what everyone says it seems like in order to have guests I need to minimally
have a clean bathroom, kitchen and guest room,
either have them bring sheets or provide my own clean linen (even if it’s not on the bed) and not worry too much about trying to satisfy everyone’s picky eating habits.
Does a Shabbos meal with bakery challah, dark meat chicken on the bone, rice and roasted mixed vegetables with store bought rugelach for dessert sound reasonable enough?

(Im usually worried that maybe the person doesn’t like the kind of challah I have, doesn’t like dark meat chicken, only likes raw vegetables or doesn’t like how I make my roasted vegetables ….)

Reality

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 3:04 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Sounds like a really nice meal to me. As long as there is enough food for everyone that's all that really matters. Nobody likes to go away and the amount of food is so small you feel embarrassed to take anything.

amother

Mint

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 5:22 pm

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Of course 😊 it’s easy to stick another few pieces of chicken in and pour a bit more rice…

I’m glad I have the approval to make a simpler meal even though it may not accommodate a picky eater.

As someone who is a 'picky eater', I would be fine with a basic meal. I'm more likely to eat basic food than more elaborate stuff. I would never expect my host to accommodate my pickiness and I would make do with whatever. As long as you don't try and push me to eat what I don't like, I'm good.
Over the years as a hostess, I've gotten more confident in my cooking and that when people don't eat my food, it's not a reflection on me.

amother

Stonewash

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 6:39 pm

I've been a picky eater my whole life. The worst is when a hostess prepares a huge spread and then I feel the expectation to try everything. Actually worst is when they give disapproving looks or comments, which has happened. The best is when there is a relaxed atmosphere and noone looks at my plate. Believe me I couldn't care less about the food, as long as it isn't gross looking or unhygienic, and if I don't like it I don't think badly of the cook in any way, I am fully aware that it is my own hang up.
Op you sound aware enough that I'm sure your apartment is clean and guests will be fine.

A few weeks ago someone asked to sleep over shabbos because she had a simcha in my town. For various reasons I couldn't say no, this was one of those 'needy' cases. I literally have never had sleep over guests apart from my kids friends. My house is small, my kids are loud and wild, and the only room I had for her was my child's bedroom which is tiny and hasn't been redecorated in about 20 yrs, with a very old tired bathroom shared with my kids. The pillow and duvet were old and my linens are not in best shape either. Bh I have a cleaner so eth is clean but I did feel like my home was very lacking. Friday afternoon I was in a state trying to get the room ready while the kids were acting up and general erev shabbos when I blurted out to dh this mitzva just isn't for me. He told me instead of feeling resentful, why not take the opportunity to tell Hashem, I'm doing this mitzva even though it is hard for me, and daven in that the zchus He should make it easier for me by giving me a bigger and nicer home to share. It did help to change my mindset some what. In the end my guest was so appreciative and actually told me she slept really well and the room was so comfortable, and that my home is so relaxed, so what do you know.

nw11

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 7:21 pm

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

I love your husband's attitude! What a beautiful thing to say.

saralem

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 7:34 pm

We always had tons of guests and a teeny house. Accommodations weren’t great but we did our best. I cooked a lot but it wasn’t fancy. Just plentiful and, I hope, tasty. So many of our guests were appreciative even though it wasn’t luxurious. At all! One thing though is that I drove myself crazy with anxiety before having guests ( so yes, before every single Shabbos) in trying to compensate for my cramped, plain home. I desperately wanted it to be nicer but that’s all I could afford. It was clean though. But stuffed with kids and their belongings!

Fox

Sat, Oct 23 2021, 10:08 pm

This is another area in which expectations have risen considerably in the 36 years I've been married. Unfortunately, it creates a circular problem.

When I was first married and through the early aughts, guests understood that they were staying in a home, not a hotel. Oh, occasionally there were disasters of one sort or another, but hosts and guests all lived to see another day.

Somewhere in the mid- to late-aughts, people with means started remodeling to include gorgeous ensuite accommodations for their guests. On one hand, it's lovely to use one's money to enhance such a mitzvah.

On the other hand, they raised expectations of guests significantly. I started reading threads on Imamother complaining that hosts hadn't offered guests a private bathroom or that guests had been kept awake by crying babies, etc.

We had always made room for anyone who wanted to come, but as my neighbors upped the accommodations, I realized that I couldn't keep up. First I tapered off inviting overnight guests, and after a few rude remarks about my old house, I tapered off inviting guests for meals.

I don't know the answer to this problem. I do think it's lovely for those who can afford it to create lovely guest quarters. But we lose something when that becomes the standard.

amother

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 12:42 am

That’s beautiful! And great attitude accepting your own pickiness as a guest.

amother [ Stonewash ] wrote:

amother

Babyblue

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 5:37 am

I have actually been burnt a couple times hosting sem girls and I don't do it anymore. My apt. is a standard Israeli size. I have one bathroom in the center of the house and another in my room. I try to keep it clean but I have kids that will sometimes do kid things 10 minutes after I clean it.
My husband is notorious for taking a shower 5 minutes after the siren.
I try my best to cook yummy food but many times after working really hard to prepare everything for these girls I felt a snobbish vibe and have no interest in putting up with that in my own home. Obviously they all come from a different standard and even the ones that are trying to be nice end up whispering behind my back.
Maybe I should be more mature about it and just plain ignore it as part of the chessed I am doing. But I don't want to.

amother

Stonewash

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 6:21 am

Fox wrote:

I agree with this so much. For years we didn't have guests because we didn't have a full crockery set and I was embarrassed of my mismatched set or of using disposables. Then we finally bought a full set, from IKEA mind you, but then we had chairs that were all falling apart so you know, we can't have guests like that. We got new chairs but then...you get the picture. Meanwhile all around me everyone talks about their remodelling, their 7 course meals, how their shabbos dishes and silver are too delicate to go in the dishwasher so they absolutely need a cleaner after each meal, magazine articles full of tablescapes and hostess must dos. I've also had my kids friends come over to play and I hear them commenting, wow your kitchen is tiiiiny I've never seen such a small kitchen, or you share a bedroom how do you manage!!! Etc. I know they are kids, and those kids are definitely the minority bh most are very polite and sweet, but it hurts, more for my kids than for me. So yes, we have guests less and less because I can't accommodate these standards.

I do think that we as parents need to instill in our kids that a person's worth isn't about their house or their cars or their clothes etc. It's about who they are as a person. It's hard, but if we don't do this we end up with children like some of my kids friends, like the sem girls in the post above, and newly weds who can't cope with less than 5* accommodation at their inlaws, and even dare I say like my own kids who put so much value into the clothes they wear. I struggle with this too. And like fox says, then everyone loses out.

southernbubby

Sun, Oct 24 2021, 8:18 am

amother [ Babyblue ] wrote:

I don't think that anyone has to host the type of people who are critical, ungrateful, and who sit in judgement. If they have better options then let them go there. Tell whoever arranges the housing for seminary girls why you don't want to continue hosting them. People pay top dollar for seminaries and this has been a bone of contention for decades the fact that the seminaries don't provide Shabbos meals and instead impose these ingrates on struggling locals.