DS's training dragging on and on...pls help

amother

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 12:23 am

I started training my son (he turned 3 a few months ago) about 5 months ago. I guess you can say he is officially trained, but in reality... Problem is, I don't see any logic to what's going on. He'll be near-perfect for a full week, and then have nonstop accidents for a couple of days. Case in point: Last week was amazing, and I was so grateful to have finally reached this point. Then this week, he is back to being changed 1-2 times a day in playgroup, plus had dirty accidents at home every day!
I know it's all healthy challenges, BH. But I am finding it EXTREMELY stressful, and I lose it with him and yell etc. It's just so so frustrating and aggravating to see the work and stress of so many months be for naught.
No one seems to get how hard this is. My more experienced friends just laugh, like yeah, we all know this isn't one of the funnest parts of mothering. But I seriously feel it has damaged my relationship with my DS, has made him be seen as an annoyance by his Morah (instead of allowing his cute personality to come out), and has added untold stress in my home. Everyone else tells me he'll get it eventually, DH says he's only 3, 3 yo have accidents... I wish someone would validate how hard this is for me!!

Chew21

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 5:05 am

I've BTDT sounds exactly like my situation. It was a nightmare. It really damaged our relationship and put such stress on everything. My son is now almost 4 bh bh he's at a much better place. I need to remind him to go to the bathroom sometimes. We are down to 0-1 accident a day. I can actually send him out without stressing out bh bh. He had no pelvic awareness and couldn't 'feel' when he needed the bathroom. He also wasn't able to hold it in. Bh he recently started going on his own. I myself am an OT and I've been doing very specific exercises which we've seen improvement in other areas as well bh. Have you ever had him evaluated?

FranticFrummie

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 5:55 am

He's 3. Most children will do anything to please their parents or their morah. He's not doing it davka just to annoy you. Please keep repeating this to yourself.

Boys tend to be fully trained later than girls, both number 1 and number 2. My theory is that most boys are naturally more active and rambunctious, and more likely to either not feel that they have to go when they are busy, or they don't want to interrupt their fun to go.

If you want, you can start giving him a bit of Miralax at night, and have him go first thing in the morning before gan. Start off with a tiny dose and then adjust as needed. If that doesn't help, then schedule an appointment for the doctor.

If this continues, he may need an abdominal ultrasound to make sure that he's not constipated. He can still make around the impaction, but it won't feel right to him, and he'll have more accidents, both 1 and 2.

amother

Smokey

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 6:10 am

It's super stressful. I've had my fair share of bad toilet training experiences.
But please please don't get mad at him.
Hug him and praise him when he goes to the bathroom.
And hug him and hug him when he has an accident.
It's not his fault. And he really is only 3.

I'm speaking now as a mother of teens. I think it was my most stressful part of child raising so far.
I had a DS kid who held in bm for a few days in a row very often (from around the age of 3-6).
I had 1 DS who wet his bed every night till age 13.
I had a DD who was dry and fine and totally toilet trained who went back to wetting I believe due to a strict teacher (will never know).

It does pass, but it's very very frustrating and difficult.

Teomima

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 6:55 am

I'll be honest, I think you started too young. Kids have to be ready for it to be successful. Just because a parent wants it to happen, doesn't mean the kid is there yet. They really need to develop a better awareness of the messages their own body is telling them before they can train successfully. I don't really know what to tell you since you've already been going this way for so long. But I do advise in the future, with other children, that you hold off until they're really fully ready for it.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 9:42 am

I have no practical advice for you but sympathies. My dd has been in the process of being trained for over a year. I know we started too early but that doesn’t help me now! We are at our wits end and nursery keep threatening to send her home. I wish I had a magic formula to get her trained properly overnight! I know it’s a small stress in comparison to major issues I and other people are going through but it’s just one extra thing on my head…

sky

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 9:47 am

I’m experienced mother and I get it.
I’ve been training ds since beginning of august (3rd birthday).
He has accidents. Until this week refused to make BM in toilet.
Just this week he made some Bm in the toilet. I feel like we are finally getting somewhere and then he has another accident.

I’ve been using pull-ups a lot. I know you aren’t supposed to but it keeps both of us much calmer so I don’t care. And I think if he is happier, his Morah can clean him easier, and I’m happier and less stressed it is worth it.

(His Morah is actually excellent at making each kid sit on the toilet at regular intervals so accidents in school are extremely rare).

I just remind myself iy’H he’ll be trained for when he walks down the chuppah.

amother

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 11:48 pm

Chew21 wrote:

Thanks for the validation! Really means a lot to me.
so happy to hear you're up to there!
How would I know if he has pelvic awareness? He seems to be aware most of the time. That's part of the problem- how do I determine if it's behavioral, physical etc? And who would I turn to for help- is it a question for parenting coach, child therapist, pediatrician, or other?
I wonder if I should have him evaluated, because he is mildly sensory as well (likes to touch and be touched, bites himself and other people and things when upset...)- can that also be connected to his bathroom issues?
How do I know if he needs an eval, and how do I start the process (LW)?

amother

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 11:51 pm

FranticFrummie wrote:

He's 3. Most children will do anything to please their parents or their morah. He's not doing it davka just to annoy you. Please keep repeating this to yourself.

I'm not sure what you mean. Are you saying that he is incapable of doing this, because if he was, he would do it to please me?
If that is indeed the case, what's my next step? Pediatrician?

amother

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 11:54 pm

amother [ Smokey ] wrote:

I feel so terrible every time I lose it with him. It's just so so hard for me to control my reaction.
Do you think he is indeed doing his best, or he just can't be bothered?

Wow- you certainly have seen it all! How did those issues get solved?

amother

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 11:57 pm

Teomima wrote:

I think you're right. I probably made every mistake possible: was pressured to have him ready for his summer program (she insisted he be trained). Was also shortly after I had a baby, which was probably not best time for me- or him...
Problem is, he really seemed ready. Always told me when he was going in diaper, thrilled to go in bathroom, etc. So I don't know what to say.

amother

Thu, Nov 04 2021, 11:59 pm

amother [ Midnight ] wrote:

I could have written this word for word!! For whatever it's worth, hugs back to you! Thank you for sharing that. We should daven for each other. Wink

amother

Fri, Nov 05 2021, 12:02 am

sky wrote:

Thanks for the validation. I am so ready to just throw in the towel, put him back in pull-ups, and hope it will just click for him in a few months. My only hesitation is that maybe that's the wrong thing to do at this point, and I'll just be making things worse. Wdyt?
And boy, can I relate to the relief when he is in pull-ups for the night...

amother

Fri, Nov 05 2021, 12:05 am

Einikel wrote:

My dd is great with #1 but has a lot of dirty accidents. Bh not in school but at home. I know when she runs into another room that she’s gonna do it so I try putting her on the toilet then. I also found that when I take of her panty and she’s bare she will tell me when she needs to go.

I had been thinking of putting him in pull-ups when he is home, but maybe I should try the opposite and have him wear nothing at all? My pessimistic side is dreading the inevitable messes already. Can't Believe It

Einikel

Fri, Nov 05 2021, 12:19 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

I only had that once when she was really cranky and overtired. She usually needs to feel like she’s wearing something to actually do it…

boysrock

Fri, Nov 05 2021, 12:55 am

Hi Toilet training is a very hard process!
There are a lot that goes into it. Does he have all prerequisites to be trained?
What is the consistency of his bowel movements?
Is he on any medication?
Did he recently have step or was feeling unwell(cold cough...)
Does he have any anxiety?
Is the bathroom a positive place for him?
Does he have a distracted personality? When he is busy it’s hard to call his attention...
These are a few of the things you need to pay attention to. If you want to pm me I can try to help you sort it all out

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Nov 05 2021, 1:01 am

I’m sorry its hard. My practical advice would be to put him back in diapers for a week or so.
( unless of course you are able to change him with absolutely no affect. Just matter of fact. )

Otherwise- First
Work on yourself to get your own emotions in check and restart when you are able to be fully compassionate and loving about the whole topic. Wait until the thought of his accidents is not triggering for you and/or you have a plan in place for how to deal with your emotions.

Good luck.

Sorry I’m being pragmatic And not empathetic. I’m tired and surprised no-one mentioned this.

( I’m sure there’ll be tomatoes thrown. But this is the approach I personally use. Example homework. And I cant clearly remember but I may even have done this with one of my children and toilet training.
Get your own stuff in order. Deal with your own emotions and triggers. Once you are in a better place , your child will have a strong support to move forward.

amother

Fri, Nov 05 2021, 1:45 am

amother [ Bergamot ] wrote:

Otherwise- First
Work on yourself to get your own emotions in check and restart when you are able to be fully compassionate and loving about the whole topic. Wait until the thought of his accidents is not triggering for you and/or you have a plan in place for how to deal with your emotions.

Get your own stuff in order. Deal with your own emotions and triggers. Once you are in a better place , your child will have a strong support to move forward.

No tomatoes from me! I actually agree with you. This child, in general, triggers me enormously (Does everyone have that with their oldest?) And I know that I'm too stressed out in general these days. How do I "deal with my own emotions and triggers" though? I would appreciate any advice. And don't worry about being blunt- I actually appreciate that.

amother

Smokey

Sun, Nov 07 2021, 5:23 am

amother [ OP ] wrote:

Just saw now that you asked me how those issues were solved.

DS kid who held in bm for a few days in a row very often (from around the age of 3-6)
- what helped in the end was some sessions of kinesiology. He was my first so he probably suffered from me and DH being very inexperienced and anxious.

DS who wet his bed every night till age 13
- Tried some alternative stuff - sacro-cranial treatment but didn't work.
- Dr Sagie's bell - tried it for 6 months and it didn't work, until he recommeneded we give it a break. About a month after we stopped, he suddenly started being dry (a few months after his bar mitzva). At some point I took it upon myself to say 'asher yatzar' with more kavana. I don't know if it helped (I hope it did) but it helped me appreciate when things go well.

DD who was dry and fine and totally toilet trained who went back to wetting I believe due to a strict teacher (will never know)
- waited patiently and it cleared up by itself b"H. It was every night so it didn't bother me so much.

I forgot also my youngest DD (now 11) was toilet trained for wee from about age 2.5, but always insisted on a diaper for bm. By this time I was b"H more relaxed and experienced - I put a diaper on for her every time. She always knew she had a big gift (a certain doll that she wanted) waiting for her in my closet for when she goes to the bathroom. One day when she was 3, the closet door was open and she saw the gift on the highest shelf, and said she wants it. So I said "let's try going to the bathroom next time you need" - and she did - and that was the end of the diapers, b"H.